Jennifer Lawrence Will Never Be On Twitter And It’s All Your Fault, Internet!

November 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Uh oh, bad news for those of you who have been longing to read the 140-character thoughts of America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence (“@JLawSweatpants: More like America’s Sweet-fart #LOL #fart #nailedit”). JLaw recently admitted to Nick Grimshaw on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via E!) that you’ll never see her tweeting about pizza or farts or falling asleep to House Hunters at Chris Martin’s house and waking up in a pile of pizza and farts, because she doesn’t know how that internet shit works! LOL SO RILL! But also because she and the internet aren’t exactly on good terms ever since…you know…The Fappening:

“I will never get Twitter. I’m not very good on phone or technology. I cannot really keep up with emails, so the idea of Twitter is so unthinkable to me. I don’t really understand what it is. It’s like this weird enigma that people talk about. It’s fine, I respect that, but no, I’ll never get a Twitter. If you ever see a Facebook, Instagram or Twitter that says it’s me, it most certainly is not.”

The morning show host noted how serious Jen got with that answer. “I had that one locked and loaded. I really like laser focused [on that answer]…it’s because the internet has scorned me so much that I feel like it’s that girl in high school that I’m like, ‘Oh, you want to talk about her? Yeah I’ll do that!’ Take my hoops off, I’m ready to go.”

Oooooh, watch out, internet! Stuff a roll of dimes in your bra and apply some extra glue to your acrylics, because that bad bitch JLaw is coming for you, puta! I hope you look good in orange; JLaw is gonna make it look like self-defense, put your ass in a jumpsuit! I hope your affairs are in order, SKANK!

But I can’t fault JLaw for not wanting to be on Twitter. All she’d probably tweet about are farts and food, and there’s already enough people doing that on Twitter! That’s why I had to cool it with the Twitter for a while; all I was doing was tweeting about food. Newsflash Allison, nobody gives a shit that it’s a “cake kind of day.” Besides, if you really want to know all the random thoughts swimming around in JLaw’s brain, just get her drunk and follow her around as she does red carpet interviews.

And in case JLaw needed any more reason to hate the internet, here are some pictures of her tits trying to escape from her dress last night that will no doubt be saved to a folder marked ‘Uh…English Homework?‘ on the desktops of horny teenage boys everywhere, as well as Randy Marsh’s alter-ego Lorde.

Pics: Splash

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