Ke$ha’s Nalgas Made An Appearance At The Billboard Music Awards

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, “Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?” And that’s because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids’ favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I’m sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here’s some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell’s favorite couple, Hell’s second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber’s former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

Okay, Okay, Sarah Jessica Parker Won The Met Gala

If your eyeballs haven’t turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker’s crotch (“I haven’t even stared at the Crotch of Sauron” – Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night’s theme of “punk” and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse’s idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they’ll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.

And here’s pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn’t try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn’t try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn’t try), JLo (didn’t try, should’ve been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters. 

Casper Smart Has Somebody To Play With At The Children’s Table

Skeletor could never move on from losing Castle Grayskull to He-Man time and time again, but when it comes to love dude moves a whole lot faster. Just one month after breaking up with Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, Marc Anthony has already moved on to a new piece, 21-year-old Topshop heiress and reality show trick Chloe Green. Chloe was friendly with 44-year-old Skeletor when he was still married to JLo and now their friendship has bloomed into some full-time humping.

Skeletor took the 5-year-old Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA on Tuesday and his new piece Chloe came along for the rides. Skeletor and Chloe held hands, canoodled out in the open and she carefully listened while holding Emme as he told her about his plans to conquer Cinderella’s Castle since he could never fully conquer Castle Grayskull.

The Daily Mail points out that Chloe is 2 years younger than Skeletor’s eldest kid Ariana and 4 years younger than JLo’s bought-and-paid-for piece Casper Smart.

The good news for Casper is that since he’s 4 years older than Chloe, he’s still the captain of the children’s table and so the last bit of sparkling apple cider STILL goes in his plastic sippy cup. The bad news is that since there’s another thirsty mouth at the children’s table, there won’t be any leftover sparkling apple cider anymore. Damn you, Skeletor! You ruin everything.

Boy George: Now With Less Fupa

When I first saw these pictures, I hadn’t yet done my usual morning routine of eyeballing coffee, so I thought this was either Samantha Ronson in serious lady drag or a dressed down Rylan Clark. But it’s a fupa-less Boy George!  On the left is Boy George in 2010 with some chunk on his body and on the right is Boy George this past weekend with all of the chunk off of his body. Boy George went to the WhatsonStage.com awards in London last night and gone from his body were his stack of luscious chins and his magnificent chichis. Since he was in the mood of getting rid of things, bitch should’ve gotten rid of that hat too.

HuffPo points out that Boy George tweeted a picture of his new body and it made some of his followers ask him how he lost all of the chunk. No, Boy George didn’t tweet back with “coke and lots of ass sex.” Boy George tweeted the link to some nutritionist who teaches people how to eat healthy and other boring stuff like that.

Never mind that Boy George’s face tattoos looks like something I doodled on my Pee Chee folder in 1992, I’m really supposed to believe that he lost all that weight from exercise and eating healthy. That doesn’t happen! Bitch is probably up to his old tricks and lost all that weight from chasing Norwegian escorts around his apartment.

Just…A…Little…Further

Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were – perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That’s it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can’t help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can’t believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he’s a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

Jared Leto Hasn’t Eaten Food For A Month, Basically

Posh, Anne Hathway, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel “Chupa” Zoe, eat your heart out. I only mean that figuratively, because hearts are fatty and full of calories and will make you fat and ew!

Jared Leto has to buy all of his underwear in the toddler section at Babies ‘R Us, because he was already skinnier than Chris Brown’s extra long pencil dick and now he’s even skinnier. As everyone already knows, Jordan Catalano fought the hot and won when he dropped over 10 pounds and waxed his brows off to play a transgender woman with HIV in The Dallas Buyers Club. Matthew McConaughey also lost a whole lot of weight for that movie and said he did it by cutting all carbs from his daily diet. Jared, however, tells Vulture that he got Kate Moss skinny by fasting. Fasting is basically the GOOP way of saying, “I’m starving myself!” Jared said this about fasting for his art:

“Your body goes through weird stages. Sometimes it’s hard to hold on to water. But for me, it’s not about the most weight I can lose, it’s more to represent the character. I’m focused on what it means to be a transsexual woman. Historically, people have done it for pursuit of self, to achieve a meditative state, so I’m hoping for that, and not the other things. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

I won’t be surprised if one day I’m driving down the street and see Jared Leto’s stomach bag trying to hitchhike its way out of town. It’s going to leave his body any day now, because he keeps treating it like shit. Jared gained a bunch of chunk for that Chapter 27 movie and now he’s starving himself. His stomach is confused. You know what else is probably confused? Jared’s peen. Dr. Oz says that when a dude’s body shrinks, his dick grows and when his body grows, his dick shrinks. Confusing your internal organs is one thing, but confusing your external organ is a crime. There’s nothing sadder than a confused peen.

And since Jared’s got more to tuck now (cut to Jared wrapping a Spanx condom around his bigger peen to make it skinnier), he should probably win the Oscar for Best Tuck Game.

(Pic via Terry’s Diary)