FYI: “The Biggest Loser” Winner Ate 1,600 Calories A Day And Was Always On A Treadmill

Abuelitas everywhere USPS’d (abuelitas don’t do FedEx) a chilaquiles casserole to Rachel Frederickson when she came out on The Biggest Loser season finale looking like she pulled a Christian Bale. Rachel Frederickson, who is 5’5″, weighed 260 lbs. when she checked into The Biggest Loser and she weighed in at 150lbs. when she left the ranch as a finalist. During the three months between leaving the ranch and the finale, she lost another 45 lbs. and won that shit by dropping 60% of her body weight. Weighing 105 lbs. when you’re 5’5″ is considered overweight in Hollywood, but it’s underweight according to the Body Mass Index chart. Bitches gasped, lost their minds and threw fried chicken drumsticks at Rachel.

The Los Angeles Times says that during a conference call with the media, Rachel dodged all the eating disorder questions and refused to directly talk about how people are saying she took it too far. Rachel said that after she left the ranch, medical experts and training staff monitored her diet which consisted of five small meals a day. Rachel ate a mixture of carbs, protein and fats, and no more than 1,600 calories made it into her mouth hole on a daily basis. But Rachel probably burned many of those 1,600 calories, because she exercised like, well, like someone was waving a $250,000 check in front of her. 24-year-old Rachel walked on a treadmill for most of the day while she worked and she took Zumba and spin classes daily.

In case you don’t know, this is what walking on a treadmill while working looks like:

That is a torture device from HELL. Somebody should sue that company for misrepresentation. That model is telling lies with her face. It’s not possible for a sane human who feels real emotions and feelings to smile while working and walking on a treadmill at the same time. That’s like smiling while listening to a Justin Bieber song and watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians at the same time. If you can smile while doing that, you’re crazy and a sociopath. I can barely walk and talk at the same time let alone walk, type, read, fap and eat pork rinds at the same time. If I could do that, I wouldn’t go on The Biggest Loser, I’d go on ‘Murica’s Got Talent. Anyway, that’s what Rachel did all day.

Rachel’s twin Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper refused to comment on Rachel’s body, because they weren’t her trainers and weren’t with her while she was on a treadmill journey from hell. But Rachel’s trainer Dolvett Quince did spit out a statement on Facebook:

Last night’s Biggest Loser Finale has sparked a huge reaction and I do not want the day to end without addressing it. Biggest Loser is a journey which has its ups and downs. Please try not to look at one slice of Rachel’s journey and come to broad conclusions. Rachel’s health is and always has been my main concern and her journey to good health has not yet ended!!

Some people are still pissed and want NBC to release some kind of statement, because they think that The Biggest Loser is a show that promotes losing weight the healthy way and Rachel contradicts that message or something. Um, do these people know what they’re really watching. The Biggest Loser is The Real Hunger Games (Correction: I take that back, Survivor is The Real Hunger Games.) It’s basically a game show where people lose as much weight as possible to #getmoneybitch. And Rachel won that shit, and maybe like other past winners, she’ll gain some of the weight back.

But NBC should still do the responsible thing by airing a show that shows the other side. They should green-light a show called The Biggest Gainer where people gain as much chunk as possible for $250,000. Victory would be mine! (That’s if Jessica Simpson and/or KFed didn’t apply.)

“And If You’re Still Hungry After The Celery Juice, You May Smell 2 Pictures In A Cookbook”

When Nicole Richie appeared at the American Music Awards in November (seen above) I don’t think many of us went “Harpo, who dis skeleton from my high school science class?” but apparently Star Magazine did. They seem to think she’s getting skinny enough for a reunion with Saggy the Blue Bikini, as well as theories on how she’s dropping the weight.

WARNING: IF YOU LOVE CHEESEBURGERS AS IF THEY WERE YOUR OWN CHILDREN, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

According to Star (via Daily Mail) Nicole has been on a diet that would make even a food-crazy like Gwyneth Paltrow think it’s a bit restrictive (“I enjoy the smell of my farts too much to give up solid foods” – Goopy):

The reality star turned designer has dropped down to 88 pounds, according to Star magazine, which was her weight in 2006 when she memorably showed off a bony frame as she jogged on a beach in a bikini. She has reportedly been living on a diet of sunflower seeds, celery and juices. The LA native also allegedly uses chewing gum to stave off hunger pains.

A source close to Nicole (the skirt from this picture come to life during a Beauty and the Beast-style spell/curse) says she’s totally healthy, not anorexic, and the reports of her binging hard on Ants on a Log – sans ants, sans delicious peanut butter or C-Whiz – are false, so who even knows. Until we get pictures of Nicole at the grocery store with a cart full of water, boxed air, and Model’s Choice Laxatives (“The classy laxative”), I don’t think we should be too concerned.

And I get wanting to lose weight, but you gotta do that shit the healthy way. Sunflower seeds aren’t dinner; they’re a snack meant for baseball games and road trips. And Celery is a gross 3rd tier garnish for a Bloody Mary or Caesar (right under olive and shrimp) or, if you’re desperate, something you use as a makeshift lightsaber when you’re unable to find an old wrapping paper tube or pool noodle.

Here’s Nicole at the American Music Awards. I don’t know about an eating disorder, but by the cut of that dress I can definitely diagnose her as having Miley Cyrus Syndrome.

(Pics via Wenn)

Chaz Bono Lost Some Chunk And Gained A New Piece

It used to be an easy win if you pulled the Chaz Bono card in Pictionary; giant circle for the body, Theodore Seville for the face, maybe draw a crude caricature of Cher in the background licking her lips or flicking her hair off her shoulders with a speech bubble that says “I made that!”. But it looks like you’re shit out of luck now! It’s time to cue the Florence and the Machine and sing The Hog Days Are Over, because Chaz emerged this weekend at a farmer’s market in Beverly Hills and shocked everyone by looking like a slimmed-down healthy shell of his former self.

I don’t know how Chaz dropped the weight, so I’ll speculate that it was either diet and exercise, surgery, or going back and re-watching Nancy Grace on Dancing with the Stars (I literally couldn’t keep food down during that whole season). Remember Chaz, losing weight feels good, but don’t get addicted to that lightheaded feeling you get from compliments and celery; it’s not worth it if you turn into the Texas T-Rex and get all Dallas Buyer’s Club on us (no seriously, don’t – it’s fucking terrifying).

Chaz also cruised for oranges and heirloom tomatoes with a mystery lady. Ooooh, is it serious? Has she met Cher yet? No! That’s a trick question. She’s not walking around beaming with the light that comes from being in the presence of The Almighty, which means their relationship is in the beginner ‘just shopping for veggies’ stage and not the ‘come meet my mother and stare in awe at her glory’ stage.

Also, you may have noticed that I tagged this post Skinny Bones Jones and quizzically thought: “Skinny? Maybe those sideburns…” and I agree. However, when you lose enough weight to cause the scale to slide from REINFORCE THE FLOORING to I NO LONGER SWEAT BUTTER, that gets a skinny tag in my books.

(Pics via Splash)

BREAKING NEWS: Miranda Kerr May Or May Not Photoshop Pictures of Herself Before Posting Them To Instagram

“Which tool do I use to erase Alessandra Ambrosio’s fat ass out of this picture? Is it Blur or Clone Stamp?” – Miranda Kerr

The Daily Mail must have pulled Woodward and Bernstein out of retirement and had detectives on this case for months now, because they’ve finally broken a real ESCANDALO news story that’s about to shatter everything you know about the modelling world. According to a real eagle-eyed reporter at The Daily Mail, there’s evidence that former Victoria’s Secret model and full-time hongray-looking Kewpie Doll Miranda Kerr Photoshops pictures of herself to look slimmer before posting them to Instagram.

Suspicions were confirmed when Kerr posted an edited picture of herself, along with Doutzen Kroes and Alessandra Ambrosio, backstage at last year’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show. However, Kerr forgot that she had posted the original picture one year ago. Super snoops then placed both pictures side by side and it was evident that there was heavy manipulation done to the most recent picture, particularly around Miranda Kerr’s waist, making it appear much smaller than the original.

I know this must be difficult to comprehend; I myself am still having trouble coming to grips with the idea that a model (OF ALL PEOPLE) would be so vain as to make their waist even smaller for a picture-sharing iPhone app. So far, Miranda has yet to address the issue, but an outcry of Instagram commenters prove that the public DEMANDS ANSWERS.

I’ll have you know that Michael K isn’t the only one with a long, glamorous history of modelling. Back in the day, I had a very lucrative career as a hair model, and not for boring shit like magazines or shampoo commercials. I’m talking the big time; live styling demos at convention centre hair shows. And I was damn good, too. My main look was ‘Trying not to address the crippling reality of this nonsense’ but I was also pretty good at ‘Even I know this won’t lead to something better‘. I WAS THE MASTER. A particular highlight was modelling Kelly Clarkson streaks as a grimy stylist in butt-hugging $300 bedazzled jeans (this was 2004, after all) named Kennyth texturized choppy layers into my hair while a remix of Eric Prydz’s Call on Me was played at a deafeningly-loud level on repeat for 25 minutes. You’re probably thinking: “I hope the money was good.” I wouldn’t know; I was paid in styling products. I NEVER SAID I WAS SMART.

(Pic via Instagram)

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Pulling A Christian Bale

Well, I guess Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t sign up to Tom Hanks’ class at The Learning Annex called “I Fucked Around With My Body Weight To Get That Oscar And Now I’ve Got The ‘Beetes.”

Jake Gyllenhaal used to look like a skinny Brawny Man dipped in lube, but since every damn ho in Hollywood thinks he can do it like Christian Bale (see: The Texas T-Rex), he lost a bunch of chunk for a movie role. Jake told People and UsWeekly at last night’s Hollywood Film Awards that he went on the low-cal ass dust and tap water diet to lose 20 pounds for his role in Nightcrawler. I first read that as “Nightstalker,” which made more sense since Jake kind of looks like a white Richard Ramirez. But nope, Jake is playing some dude named Lou who’s always hungry.

“It takes place in a land where I think there is a desert in a lot of ways, great opulence, and at the same time, great vastness and emptiness. I knew that [Lou] was literally and figuratively hungry [and I wanted to get into a] mode where I was always a bit hungry.”

So this Lou dude is suffering from the hungries so Jake wants to connect with his character by forcing himself to suffer from the hungries?  Method! Bitch needs to check his drivers license. Does it say Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis? No, so he needs to quit it. Jake looks like a 50-something Chaka from Land of the Lost who once caught a cavewoman getting ravished by a tiny triceratops and is trying to kill that image from his brain by smoking the wrong stuff. That’s some Faces of Meth: Caveman Edition shit.

And how is it possible for his face to look HONGRAY while his eyebrows look well-fed?

Pics: Wenn.com

Brad And Angie’s Matching Hairstyle World Tour Takes Them To Paris

At yesterday’s London premiere of World War Z, Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie both wore their hair down and looked like they just came out of the ocean and let their locks dry in the breezes. (Well, Brad Pitt looked like he just came out of a cesspit and let a walrus’ fart dry his locks, but that’s practically the same thing.) At tonight’s Paris premiere of World War Z, Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie both used some of the oil on her face to slick their hair back into a ponytail. I really hope this becomes a thing.

At the Berlin premiere, I hope they both wear a teased side ponytail. Then at the Tokyo premiere, I hope they both wear a crimped top ponytail with teased bags. At the Hong Kong premiere, they can both wear Motley Crue circa 1984 hair. At the Madrid premiere, they can both wear spiral perm prom hair. And on and on and on…. Brad and Angie’s matching hairstyles is really what’s going to sell World War Z (no, it won’t)!

And I looked at Brad Pitt’s exposed zipper for way too long, because I thought it was a piss stream.