The Texas T-Rex Is Really Starving His Way To That Oscar

Taco Bell executives are bawling into each other’s arms, because it’s been months since Matthew McConaughey has pulled up to one of their drive-thrus and said, “Alright alright alright, just throw everything on the menu into a blender, liquefy for 20 seconds and pour directly into my slop hole” after a major bonge binge. The Texas T-Rex temporarily broke up with his true love, the good shit, a few months ago, because he needed to shrink himself to the size of a Marc Anthony to play the lead role in The Dallas Buyer’s Club. Matthew is playing real-life person Ron Woodruff, a womanizing homophobic junkie who got HIV in the mid-80s from dirty needles and later became an important AIDS activist.

After months of only eating protein and very little carbs, Matthew left LAX on Friday to finally begin shooting TDBC in Texas New Orleans with Jared Leto and Jennifer Garner. Matthew long said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that. Dude’s head looks like it’s trying to escape from his neck and his normally stubby T-rex arms look extra long. Dude looks like a caricature drawing come to life. If he does get that Oscar, they should give him a trophy that’s gold foil on the outside and chocolate on the inside.

Matthew can easily gain all the weight back just by sniffing something deep fried at The Texas State Fair, but he should try to keep all the weight off so that he can play the Toys ‘R Us giraffe in a biopic. That’s how he’ll really get that Oscar he wants. But seriously, dude looks like a giraffe. I want to drive up next to him in a Jeep and feed him leaves.

But Where Oh Where Are The Pictures Of Prince Hot Ginge’s Nipples? (UPDATE: Picture Proof That PHG Was There!)

Here’s JLo giving Casper Smart the silent treatment just minutes after he got kicked out of the pool for making a poopy in the shallow end. How was Casper supposed to know that sometimes a fart brings a friend? They didn’t teach him that in potty training class! JLo so should’ve left Casper in her hotel suite with her other kids, but she didn’t want him crawling away to the nearest gay glory hole.

Never mind that JLo is at a pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and is wearing the most clothes I’ve ever seen her wear, the real story here is that apparently Prince Hot Ginge was at this party and I couldn’t find one picture of his Red Hot nipples melting under the sun.

E! News says that the Bellagio fountain squirted higher than usual yesterday, because royal panty cream-inducer Prince Hot Ginge was in Las Vegas and partied at that pool party JLo hosted. Some source who was there had this to say:

“It was his first Vegas pool party. He was with a group of around six to seven friends and just wanted to have fun with the boys. He was in town to take a break and have fun. He was letting loose, and swimming and dancing to the music. It was great to see him acting like any normal guy. Harry and his friends even had a blow up whale in their area, they were just fooling around and joking and having some drinks and just enjoying themselves.”

Okay, whores will whip out their phones to take multiple pictures of their stupid food and they’ll post that shit to Twitter like people care, and yet I can’t find one picture of PHG making the pool water boil by sticking his toes in there? What is wrong with people?! If a topless PHG is in front of you and you do not have a recording device to capture that important moment in history, you grab a napkin, prick your finger and draw that image in BLOOD! Or maybe PHG isn’t in Las Vegas. Maybe it was really Carrot Top with his hair pulled back into a bun, because I confuse the two all the time.

The only way we’ll know if PHG is really in Las Vegas is if all the lights dim tonight to honor the ultimate dome of luminous light on his head.

UPDATE: YAAAAASSSS! Thanks to KHx for dropping the tingles on me by sending in a picture of PHG partying in Vegas on Saturday. No, my eyes aren’t burning from getting poked by his nipples, but he is showing his royal pits and doing the douche pose, so I’ll take what I can get.

You know, I CAN’T with PHG’s friend. If PHG is sitting on your shoulders, you pray to be possessed by a demon so that your head can do the Exorcist head twist right into his crotch. Or you pray to the gods above to give you a mouth on the back of your neck.

UPDATE #2: If you need me, I’ll be sitting at The Sun all day, because they have PHG nipple pictures  complete with his five-lane happy trail. Today is also the day that I’m actually jealous of a giant beach ball, a giant beach ball that is probably knocked up with little ginger ball babies now.

Casper Smart Was Just Getting A Fade, Okay?

Yesterday, John Travolta’s ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo’s piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he’s into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch’s stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper’s reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo’s reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won’t hurt.

But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn’t getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn’t tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a “skin fade” at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire’s.

So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn’t getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper’s nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that’s not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should’ve been? Bitch should’ve been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.

John Travolta Has A New Best Friend

A little over a week ago, JLo’s leased piece Casper the Friendly Gold Digger was caught by a pap’s lens sashaying into a peep show on 8th Avenue in Manhattan. Many of us figured that either Casper was there to live out his dancer dreams of recreating Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” video for strange men or it was just a staged STUNT QUEEN stunt to stroke away the gay rumors. But Star and InTouchWeekly say neither of those are the reason why Casper found a way to slip out of the toddler leash that his sugar master JLo is always holding on to. Star says Casper was just doing a little gay glory hole trolling and InTouch says he was just getting the John Travolta special from a WOMAN! That tingle you feel dancing around your ear holes is the glory hole gays cackling at that last part.

Let’s get InTouch’s story out of the way first. Bibi, a worker at an appointment-only exotic massage parlor in the building Casper went into that day, says that JLo’s paid toy was there to get his body worked on and he was only there for around 10 minutes. Bibi didn’t say if she’s the one who put her fingers on JLo’s ho, but she did say that he’s “a nice man. He has strong muscles.” Don, who works below the parlor at the gay peen show (on purpose typo), co-signed Bibi’s claim and says that he’s seen Casper going in to get a massage at least twice this month. JLo’s spokeswhore denies all of this and says that he was just there to get a tattoo on his finger. More like he was just there to get a finger in his toot, which leads me to Star’s story…

One of the gay peep show regular’s told Star that he has definitely seen Casper use his allowance money to get into the peep show and he was probably there for more than just a level 1 Fred Willard:

“Yeah, I’ve seen him. He was in here about three weeks ago. This is a gay cruising spot. You go into the booths, then you get all kind of tapping on the wall and propositions. It’s like zombies.”

JLo’s spokeswhore jumped in and said Casper does not make out with peens and the hos spreading the gay rumors are just jealous.

First of all, will somebody please print out the exact location of that peep show and give it to Fred Willard, so he has a quiet place in NYC to furiously hand hug his pepaw chorizo without worrying about the damn police screwing with his fap time. Second of all, whatever the truth may be, John Travolta is still going to slip a note in Casper’s mailbox at the Scientology Center inviting him to the men’s sauna meet (John’s Scientolohole) and greet (it with his peen).

Here’s a few pictures of JLo and her piece on her birthday. It was nice of that selfish heffa to give Casper a quick massage right there in front of the paps, but I’m sure he’s thinking to himself, “Um…can you go a little lower and also, somewhere between my shoulders and b-hole, can you magically transform your lady hands into man hands?“

Mimi Will Be the Highest Paid Reality Show Judge, Dahling!

Somebody hand me a lamb so I can ask it to double slap me in the face for having the audacity to write yesterday that Mimi accepted a paltry, poor person’s wage of $12 million to be a judge on American Idol for one season. JLo made only $12 million for her first season of Idol, Brit Brit is making around $16 million for her first season of X-Factor and Xtina is making $10 million for her third season of The Voice, so how dare I even think that the Rainbow Unicornie Princess of Pink Diamond Luxury would ever agree to make the same or less than those cheap Dollar General whores.

People says that Mimi’s deal is worth $18 million for her first season and she has the option to renew if she wants to. This deal makes her the most overpaid judge on a reality show ahead of Brit Brit and Howard Stern (who gets $15 million for America’s Got Talent). Simon Cowell doesn’t count since he also gets paid for being an executive producer and each one of his furry tit pies gets 7 figures each for just being.

Thank the Sanrio gods for this news. All is well again. Mimi’s FOX check is bigger than JLo’s FOX check. And now I know that if you put $12 million in front of Mimi, she wouldn’t even let her Hello Kitty sneeze on one of those bills. I’ll never make that mistake again!

Here’s the discount trick Mimi replaced having a pre-birthday dinner last night at Cipriani in NYC with some people and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger. I’m assuming Mimi was kind of enough to tell the restaurant to charge JLo’s meal to her account since JLo ONLY made $12 million for her first season of Idol. I mean, JLo can barely afford a sheet cake from Costco and a 1/2 chicken dinner special from Juan Pollo.

Casper Smart Is A Straight-For-Fame Gay, So Says A Fellow Dancer

I’ll wait here as you wipe away the glittery hummingbird juice that secreted out of your nipple slits after you laid eyes on that picture on the left. All wiped up? Okay, so I’ve never gotten a vibe from Casper Smart that he loves to gargle on peen morning, noon and night. Never. But now everything has changed thanks to this picture which is as gay as a unicorn getting DPed by a rainbow and a pink toy poodle named Mon Cherie. Radar points us to the Twitter page of Joshua Lee Ayers, a dancer who has worked with Casper in the past and claims that JLo’s bought-and-paid-for piece sucks L.A. dick on the down low. To back up his claim, Joshua tweeted this picture of Casper making a “your peen goes here” pose while working a kaleidoscope in his shorts. That’s the only receipt I need! via Radar:

“Check out Ur boy… And his low key homo ways,” Joshua wrote on a photo of Casper that he posted on his Twitter account in March.

In the photo, Casper is shirtless, wearing shiny gold short shorts obviously stuffed with something, a sparkly bejeweled belt, a scarf and a deer hunter hat while surrounded by other shirtless men in their underwear.

On May 24, Joshua posted another photo of Casper showing off his cheekbones with the caption: “I know what I know, Not love, a lot of business and public relations.”

JLo’s rep denies that Casper is gay and says that it must be a slow news week. I resemble that comment!

But seriously, that pic doesn’t prove anything. How many straight dudes have gotten drunk on malt liquor and ended up giving sugar to the camera while wearing a rhinestone belt? Entire frats wouldn’t exist if shit like that didn’t go down on the regular. Casper could scream for peen, poon or both. It doesn’t matter. There’s only two things that matter: 1) Casper is representing hard for the gold digger community and; 2) That duck-faced bitch looks hotter in a pair of gold shorty shorts than JLo does. Werk it, guurrrrrl.