Madonna’s been terrorizing our ear-holes all spring with new music from her latest album Madame X. We were told Madame X was some kind of secret agent who travels around the world, shifting identities and solving problems like Israeli–Palestinian conflict and tenacious toe fungus. Now Madonna, sorry, Madame X, has a new video that would like to ask for your enthusiastic consent to jizz in your eye (consent is understood to have been given when you click on the little triangle).
In this video for the song Dark Ballet, Madame X brought a big duffle bag full of Mission Impossible rubber masks and takes on the identity of (guessing using her list of Madame X alter egos for reference) a prisoner, a nun, and a saint. I wish she had also managed to shoehorn The Cabaret Singer in there as well, but this isn’t one of the “fun” ones. It starts with a lengthy quote from Joan of Arc followed by a black man being burnt at the stake. See, not fun at all.
Does a theme park that smells like BBQ and features a 52-foot fake tree sculpture with “620 acrylic butterflies” glued on and piped in music sound tacky to you? Yes, well good. Dolly Parton wouldn’t have it any other way. Dolly recently paid a visit to Dollywood to commemorate a 6-acre expansion called Wildwood Grove where she performed in a “sequined lilac pantsuit with black piping and matching butterfly wings”. She also used the occasion to bless us with a little interview for the New York Times. I swear, whenever things on earth get too stupid and mean, Dolly can sense it, and alights from stars on butterfly wings to remind us that common decency and common sense still exist in this world.
Drake finally put all those goods deeds to music and despite that music, I’m not mad. Apparently Drake and Co donated almost $1 million to regular everyday people in Miami. Outside of the grocery store stunt, the novelty check and the Saks Fifth Ave shopping spree, Drake also surprised a number of very happy people with stacks of cash. Plus a whole lot of other gifting that doesn’t look at all cringy when cut together. Plus, apparently Miami fucking loves Drake! One lady literally fell out when he sidled up to her on a curb.
Here’s the video
I screamed when I saw my girl Odalie at 3:58 looking impassive as hell. She must not drive because Drake was giving out a whole lot of whips with red bows on top. Oprah better watch out, Drake’s coming for her with his car giveaways! The video reads like an earnest love letter to the people of Miami, and who but the grinciest of grinches could be unmoved by a kids’ ice truck dance party. I’ll take three scoops of Antonio Brown, please. Well played Drake, you win this round.
Drake has doubled down on his campaign for sainthood with another over-the-top display of generosity that will be featured in his God’s Plan video. Last time, Drake splashed out at a Miami supermarket picking up the tab for everybody’s groceries. This time, People reports, Drake was moved after reading a feature in The Miami Herald about a hotel maid at a luxury resort who has to commute up to four hours a day due to being pushed out to the ‘berbs because of skyrocketing rents in Miami Beach. So he took her on a shopping spree at Saks Fifth Avenue with NFL star Antonio Brown, natch!
There hasn’t been a Canadian granted Sainthood since St. François de Laval (B.1623, D. 1708), but Drake is poised to knock St. Frank off his high horse and get. that. title, boi! According to E! News, St. Drake spent some time in Miami this week doing good works in the name of the lord. Was he clipping toenails at the leper colony or giving crippled orphans a reverse wheelchair Jimmy with the laying on of hands? Not exactly. Drake was generating footage for his newest music video God’s Plan.
“Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”
In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.