Madonna recently teased new music and I got excited at first because I love a well-dressed hooker with a dark past, but then I actually heard the song and I was like: “Oh… okay.” It’s not like I hate it, but honestly Madonna needs to give me another Confessions On A Dance Floor which turned me gay in 2005 (just kidding; Sailor Moon turned me gay in 1993). I just want to dance Madonna! And listening to you whisper “cha-cha-cha” does not get my booty thumping.
Regardless, Madonna threw together a video for us and it’s very Madonna. It’s so Madonna that she takes the opportunity–while groping lovingly on Maluma–to lick man’s toe while wearing an eyepatch. Duck, because Quentin Tarantino’s dick just blew off of his body.
The video starts with Madonna praying because it’s a Madonna video and the only person who talks to God more than Madonna is Kanye West (and trees). She goes on about “running away” and never being “what society expects me to be”. You know? She’s just “seen too much”. She has been: “kidnapped, tortured, humiliated and abused.” Yeah–I’ve also seen Swept Away.
Madonna says from now on she is Madame X and “Madame X loves to dance, because you can’t hit a moving target.” She then proceeds to whisper you near to sleep with her cha-cha-chas and slowly cha-cha with her–I’m guessing students at the bordello? Unclear. Maluma is dominatrix teacher’s pet and they pretty much start dry humping.
Madame X also gets married to Maluma in a cowboy-wedding dress while wearing only one red glove–one glove, one eye before they gallop away. The whole video seems to throw together parts of all Madonna’s past videos into one. You can watch the whole thing below, and buckle up and hide your toes!