Dolly Parton Sleeps With A Beat Face In Case Of Emergency

June 5, 2019 / Posted by:

Does a theme park that smells like BBQ and features a 52-foot fake tree sculpture with “620 acrylic butterflies” glued on and piped in music sound tacky to you? Yes, well good. Dolly Parton wouldn’t have it any other way. Dolly recently paid a visit to Dollywood to commemorate a 6-acre expansion called Wildwood Grove where she performed in a “sequined lilac pantsuit with black piping and matching butterfly wings”. She also used the occasion to bless us with a little interview for the New York Times. I swear, whenever things on earth get too stupid and mean, Dolly can sense it, and alights from stars on butterfly wings to remind us that common decency and common sense still exist in this world.

For example, one takeaway from that you can use is to always travel with Vienna sausages and hot sauce on your person, especially if you’re going to be in a remote location like Europe. Also, you may or may not be surprised to learn that Dolly always sleeps with a full face of makeup, and has never taken a ride on any of the rides at Dollywood lest she lose a wig or shoe. I, for one, am not surprised in the least.

When asked if she’s ever ridden any of the rides at Dollywood, on brand as always, Dolly said that if she’s gonna get mussed up, it better be a handsome man doing the mussing.

I don’t ride the rides. I never have. I have a tendency to get motion sickness. Also, I’m a little bit chicken. With all my hair I got so much to lose, like my wig or my shoes. I don’t like to get messed up. I’m gonna have some handsome man mess it up, I don’t want some ride doing it

No one’s catching Dolly out looking a mess. Not in this lifetime (which in Dolly’s case I pray is equal to a thousand lesser’s lifetimes). That’s why she always washes her face in the morning.

I clean my face in the mornings. You never know if you’re going to wreck the bus, you never know if you’re going to be somewhere in a hotel and there’s going to be a fire. So I leave my makeup on at night and clean my face in the morning.

Dolly’s got a song called The Mystery Of The Mystery which is about what happens after you die but I think the real mystery is what does Dolly look like without her accoutrements. It’s for us to ponder, but never to know. Seeing Dolly in her altogethers would probably be like seeing the face of God. You’d simply be blinded by radiant light and flooded with so much emotion your heart would explode. Dolly keeps us safe by shielding her true eternal being from mortal eyes with sequins, makeup, and miles and miles of high-quality wigs. She does that for us.


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