Category: Paula Abdul
Paula Abdul Once Again Talked About Being A Plane Crash That There’s No Record Of
If there was ever a time for an Unsolved Mysteries reboot, that time is right now. Because we’ve got a mystery that needs solving, and it involves Paula Abdul and a story about a dramatic private plane crash that may or may not have ever happened. According to Paula, it did. But according to the receipts Jezebel pulled, it maybe didn’t. Straight up now tell me did this plane crash happen or not?!
In Case You Missed It, Paula Abdul Nearly Took Julianne Hough’s Head Off With A Hat
Paula Abdul is just three months away from threatening Britney Spears’ Las Vegas Queen of Lip-Synching crown by starring in her own residency at the Flamingo. It’s been called a night of music, dance, and storytelling. I’m disappointed in Paula for not naming her show, Paula Abdul: I’M TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY!
Paula got Vegas’ tip wet last night by closing the Billboard Music Awards with a medley of some of her greatest hits. And I say “some” because she wrongly left out the classic hits Crazy Cool and Will You Marry Me? But still, Paula’s performance had everything! It had Paula lazily lip-synching to her songs. It had Paula tap-synching at the beginning to a recorded tap track. It had Paula giving us 90s Pia Zadora. It had Paula falling (only, she did it on purpose this time). It had MC Skat Kat (in the real technologically advanced bit of the night)! And it had Paula turning her hat into a ninja star and nearly taking off Julianne Hough’s head. If you’re wondering why Julianne Hough is a thing, now you know. The universe made her famous so that in 2019 she would sit front row at the Billboard Music Awards and happily get hit by Paula Abdul’s flying hat.
Paula Abdul Is Doing A Las Vegas Residency
Paula Abdul is coming back in a big way! Tonight she will be performing some of her classics (YES, THEY ARE CLASSICS!) at the Billboard Music Awards AND she announced a residency at the Flamingo Las Vegas called, Paula Abdul, Forever Your Girl coming in August.
Paula promised to make this residency not just about song and dance but (arguably more importantly!) also about storytelling. Paula’s storytelling is like your favorite drunk aunt bragging about how good she use to do the Macarena at weddings. It’s a solid MESS and I am here for it. Tell me all the stories, Paula!
Paula Abdul Fell Off The Stage Last Night
Last night, Paul Abdul was performing the second date on her Straight Up 2018 tour, when she fell off the stage and into the crowd right in the middle of warbling a song. Unfortunately, there were no reports that MC Skat Cat was there to catch her fall, but even though Paula got “Knocked Out” she managed to keep her “Crazy Cool” and the show went on once she decided to continue to “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” because she was feeling “Alright Tonight“. Ok, Ok, I know that was painful, but TMZ already took the obvious headline that Paula went “Straight Down“.
News That’ll Make Your Chonies Rip Right Off: New Kids, Paula Abdul And Boyz II Men Are Going On Tour Together
Us old whores better double up on our blood pressure medication, because this news may cause a vessel to burst.
Eight years ago, grown women and gays screamed chunks of their lungs out when New Kids on the Block announced that they were reuniting and going on tour. They’ve been touring ever since and because they still have mortgages to pay off, they’re doing another giant summer tour and this time they’re bringing Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men with them. My little gay self who stood in line at a damn Wherehouse Music to get Paula Abdul concert tickets and then got shut out is commanding my grown gay self to hit the X on this browser tab and immediately go on over to Ticketmaster dot fucking com.
Farewell, American Idol
The show that gave us the rebirth of the Vicodin-infused jewel that is Paula Abdul and created an all-evil, Kartrashian-making Satanic monster out of a leprechaun with Sun-In highlights will end after 13 years and 15 seasons. The 22-year-old in me who used to watch that mess religiously and even voted several times (You can judge me since I judge myself for that!) is bawling like Paula Abdul when her pharmacist at CVS would say the words: No more refills!
FOX announced this morning that American Idol has been renewed for one last time. Its 15th season will be its last. JLo, Harry Connick Jr., Keith Urban and Ryan Seacrest will all be back. American Idol started writing its own death certificate a few years ago when Simon Cowell and his furry tit pies left it to do the American version of the X-Factor. American Idol’s current ratings aren’t even close to what they were during its glory days. FOX burped this statement today:
“American Idol will begin its 15th — and final — season this January on FOX. A season-long celebratory event, American Idol XV will feature host Ryan Seacrest and judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr., as they search for the final Idol superstar and pay tribute to the past 14 seasons of amazingly talented contestants and the millions of fans who tweeted, texted and championed their Idols.”
Why even bother searching for one last Idol? Just like all the other winners of the past few years, the final Idol will be lucky if they’re able to book a gig at the opening of a strip mall in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. For its final season, American Idol should bring back some of its best losers (Sanjaya, Tatiana Del Toro, the thorn in my ass lip Kristy Lee Cook, William Hung, Carmen Rasmusen, Kevin Covais, Jim Verraros, etc…) and let them battle it out. Or better yet, American Idol’s final season should be devoted to finding out whatever happened to Brian Dunkleman:
(SPOILER ALERT: Brian Dunkleman exists and he’s spreading the truth on Twitter.)
And the final episode better feature a performance from American Idol’s greatest discovery: RHONETTA!
American Idol’s death would be in vain if Rhonetta and Paula Abdul don’t sing “Straight Up” together during the last show.