Paula Abdul is just three months away from threatening Britney Spears’ Las Vegas Queen of Lip-Synching crown by starring in her own residency at the Flamingo. It’s been called a night of music, dance, and storytelling. I’m disappointed in Paula for not naming her show, Paula Abdul: I’M TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY!
Paula got Vegas’ tip wet last night by closing the Billboard Music Awards with a medley of some of her greatest hits. And I say “some” because she wrongly left out the classic hits Crazy Cool and Will You Marry Me? But still, Paula’s performance had everything! It had Paula lazily lip-synching to her songs. It had Paula tap-synching at the beginning to a recorded tap track. It had Paula giving us 90s Pia Zadora. It had Paula falling (only, she did it on purpose this time). It had MC Skat Kat (in the real technologically advanced bit of the night)! And it had Paula turning her hat into a ninja star and nearly taking off Julianne Hough’s head. If you’re wondering why Julianne Hough is a thing, now you know. The universe made her famous so that in 2019 she would sit front row at the Billboard Music Awards and happily get hit by Paula Abdul’s flying hat.
Since you’re probably only here to relive the moment when Paula gave her really belated review of Julianne Hough’s Crazy Eyes costume, here you go:
— ADHDventurous (@ADHDventurous) May 2, 2019
Julianne responded the same way I would: she grabbed a neck brace and threw it on before calling Larry H. Parker to sue Paula for 51% of that Las Vegas residency money.
OMG IM PEEING MY PANTS!!!!! You know it was with love ??? xoP https://t.co/T3jin4Z6lE
— Paula Abdul (@PaulaAbdul) May 2, 2019
I don’t think Paula was joking. Will one of her minions please change her chonies for her.
And after Paula hat-punched Julianne Hough, she continued to show the young hos that a 56-year-old with the chronic body pains can do it better than them. Paula DANCED!, FELL!, GOT DRAGGED!, and took lip-synching all the way. If you’re going to lip-synch, completely give her vocal cords the night off by lip-synching everything including spoken words like, “Thank you, Billboard Awards!”
Even though the Billboard Music Awards started with a Candyland nightmare for all your senses, it ended with Miss Vanjie’s true drag mother (where do you think Vanjie got her bodysuit obsession from?) shutting that shit down. Even Paul Abdul’s one-time rival Rhonetta probably worshipped at her no-taps-having legendary feet last night.