Paula Abdul Got A Job On “So You Think You Can Dance”

And sadly, no, it’s not choreographing numbers with dance legend MC Skat Kat. But it SHOULD be. You really fucked up, So You Think You Can Dance producers. E! says that Paula Abdul can stop friending former American Idol contestants on LinkedIn, because she got a job as a judge on the 12th season of SYTYCD. 12 seasons! Have we not found someone who can dance yet?

Paula will be replacing Marie Osmond on meth Mary Murphy, and she’ll be joined by fellow new judge and “Talk Dirty” singer Jason Derulo. Cat Deeley will return as host, and Nigel Lythgoe will be back as a judge. Nigel says he’s “delighted” that Paula and Jason are joining him at the judges’ table, because – DUH – Paula Abdul is a national treasure and it’s an honor to be graced with her drowsy-voiced presence for even five seconds (which is really about how much time you get with a lucid Paula).

Paula Abdul has been either a judge or a guest judge on like 87% percent of reality talent shows on television, so it totally makes sense that she was given a job on SYTYCD. The fact that she’s a on-point choreographer was probably just a happy coincidence. I bet they didn’t even have to ask her if she wanted to be a judge; she just sensed there was an empty chair, flew to the studio on a cloud of shimmery eyeshadow dust and giggles and sparkling rosé bubbles, and was like “Okay, so when do I start?“

The AX Factor: Paula Abdul Is Out Of A Job

If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you’ll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season.

FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger’s second season contracts were executed, but they haven’t said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn’t called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could’ve at least shaved the words “you’re fired” into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now!

Apparently, Simon hasn’t chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I’ll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia.

Give This Child All The Emmys

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody’s crying like they’re about to bury somebody. Damn. I don’t watch this anymore, but I’m about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn’t watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night’s elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon’s contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid’s contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she’s going to make in a couple of months when she’s cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn’t even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she’s been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can’t be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I’m the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden’s Crush CD). Nicole couldn’t decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public’s vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, “Mommy, you promised!” There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia’s entire act, but now she’s murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

And The Emmy For Best Comedic Performance By A Midriff Goes To…

Trying to prove that the stick that’s permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen’s head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch’s sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma’s old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she’s serving up organic caca souffle. But I’m sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy’s stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw’s table runner. Move on…

Here’s a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I’m assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don’t make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly’s prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it’s made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don’t know if Jennifer’s sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must’ve had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

Crazy Ass Paula Abdul Is A Wonderful Boss

Anybody who has seen Paula Abdul’s masterpiece of a trainwreck reality show knows that she’s a sane and level-headed employer who treats all of her assistants with the utmost respect and would never make unreasonable demands. Since it’s Opposite Day, what I really mean by that is Paula is Forever Your Crazy Bitch and working for her is probably not unlike babysitting a psychotic toddler who has never been spanked and will only go into its calm submissive state if you stick a pacifier made of Vicodin in its mouth. I bet if you walked into any padded room and asked who has worked for Paula Abdul, the one patient in there would stop chewing on a pillow tile to raise her hand a dozen times (one for each personality that was created to deal with Paula’s crazy ass).

UsWeekly says that Skat Kat’s former beard (Skat Kat, totally gay, totally loved the Q-Tip in his no-no) gives all of her assistants this list of demands they must follow or she’ll feed them to Simon Cowell’s tits.

1. Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times “because she doesn’t trust her own conversations,” the source says.

2. “She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD.”

3. Abdul team members should also prepare to go through her email — and respond to family and friends as the star herself.

4. The “Forever Your Girl” singer also needed constant reminders that she is a “warrior, survivor and gift,” adds the insider.

Okay, these aren’t that weird. The second one isn’t weird at all. The third one is easy since her assistant only has to respond with “please send percocets now” and her family knows she’s doing fine. The first one makes sense, because Paula never knows which voice in her head controlled her mouth that day. Sybil wishes she would’ve thought of that! The fourth one is true in every way. Paula is a gift (to the pharmaceutical industry, The Soup and me), is a survivor (going through an 8-hour period with just one syringe of liquid morphine counts as surviving) and she’s definitely a warrior! Don’t you remember the battle of the Bratz (which she lost) or her never-ending battle against sanity (which she wins every time). Paula IS a warrior, survivor and a gift!

With all that being said, I’d rather get a job as that dog’s full-time anal gland pincher than work for Paula’s ass.

Kara DioGuardi Is A Dramatic Lightweight

Paula Abdul must be embarrassed as all shit today. Not because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that she ate 6 pot brownies at her house. No, because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that eating 6 pot brownies put her in the emergency room. Paula Abdul has a reputation to uphold and just can’t associate herself with a lightweight ho who almost died from eating pot! Lightweight bunny-toothed bitch! That’s what Paula said. Not me.

On Lopez Tonight last night, Kara said that she was staying at Paula Abdul’s house and “accidentally” ate 6 pot brownies in a row and didn’t know they were pot brownies even though pot brownies taste just like pot brownies. Paula Abdul was on vacation at the time.

About six hours later, Kara said she fell out of bed and started going on a beautiful trip that most of us will pay good money for. Kara’s stupid ass went on:

“There were these, little nuggets, little, you know, take six, not a lot. Six hours later I was like, ‘heeeey, what’s going on?’ I fell out of bed, on the floor, I stumbled downstairs and I was like, ‘I ate too much.’ And the ambulance comes and is like, ‘this bitch is as high as a kite.’ I was hallucinating, I was on an IV. I stumbled out like junkie … it was bad news!

I had six, I almost died.”

That description pretty much sums up Paula Abdul on American Idol.

Kara covered Paula’s ass by saying that the pot brownies were left by a friend after a party. I believe her. Paula doesn’t fuck with that toddler shit. Pot brownies are for babies who can’t hang! Paula only messes with OxyContin cakes and Adderall frosting.

But seriously, methinks that wasn’t pot in those brownies. Me also thinks that Paula Abdul now knows where her chocolate LSD balls went.

via HuffPo