Orlando Bloom Must Really Want Taylor Swift To Write A Song About Him

Mercury must really be in retrograde in a serious way, because The National Enquirer (via Defamer and Celebitchy) says that for the first time in history, come-to-life Laura Ashley bedspread Taylor Swift is not stalking a dude and showing up to his house in the middle of the night in a wedding dress while carrying her two cats dressed as her bridesmaids. Shit has been switched up. The Enquirer (I know, I know) says that Orlando Bloom is the one doing the chasing and he’s trying hard to get Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms to go out with him. Orlando Bloom must think that he’s at the stage of his career where he really wants the tabloids to write about how he’s gay, because dating Taylor Swift is the easiest and quickest way to bring that on. The Enquirer’s source said this:

“Orlando has been bombarding Taylor with text messages and phone calls, begging her for a date. But she’s been playing hard to get. She’s flattered because she thinks Orlando is so sexy and, in normal circumstances, she would leap at the chance.”

Taylor hasn’t immediately wrapped her Easy Bake Oven around Orlando, because she’s friends with his ex-piece Miranda Kerr, and Selena Gomez, who is back on the Biebs, at one point wanted to be the next Kewpie-faced brown-headed doll in Whorelando’s life.

“But Taylor is concerned that dating Orlando would destroy her friendships with Selena Gomez and Miranda Kerr, and is worried about being involved in a rebound romance.
Ohh. She’s looking for a serious relationship. She doesn’t want to be just another notch on his belt. Taylor knows that Selena is nuts about Orlando and wants to have a real relationship with him. Yet all he seems to want to do is ask her about Taylor!”

There’s also a big development in this BREAKING NEWS story. The New York Post says that Orlando just bought a $4.8 million loft in Taylor’s building in Tribeca.

Taylor Swift looks like something that came from the mind of Marie Osmond and that’s definitely Orlando’s type, but I don’t think he’s trying to get into her heart-shaped strawberry tart. It’s really obviously that Orlando is burning up Taylor’s baby pink iPhone and moving into her building to get closer to her pussy.

Do you blame him? Actually, I kind of do, because that adorable kitten looks like a tiny alien who put on an adorable kitten costume to get closer to the humans and learn our secrets before the eventual alien takeover.

Here’s Taylor in NYC today looking the snobbiest daughter of a Republican senator from Georgia.

Pics: Splash

Orlando Bloom And Selena Gomez Might Be Doing It…FOR REVENGE

When Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr announced they were splitting back in October, the internet exploded into a pile of solved blind items about who Miranda was passing her married pussy to, one of which was Justin Bieber. I never really believed those two did anything more than watch an episode or two of Go Diego Go! and shared a Go-Gurt (because they both look like toddlers, get it?). But since 90% of people believe Justin cheated on Selena Gomez by putting his wee-wee in Miranda’s bony box, and Miranda herself did say she’s also into girls, so I’ll take that as enough evidence that they did in fact fuck (but I refuse to picture what it looked like because I don’t want Chris Hansen showing up at my door).

Now, Orlando and Selena could easily chalk the whole thing up to “Sluts will be sluts” and move on to greener, less assholey pastures, but TMZ says that they’re getting back at their exes by humping on each other. Revenge is a dish best served jizzy. The two were spotted hanging out at a Chelsea Handler concert on Saturday night, but the second a pap went to take their picture, Orlando got a major case of deer-in-the-headlights and tried to split. This isn’t the first time they’ve hung out either; Selena posted a picture to Instagram of her getting close with Orlando at an event last month.

I know that taking a picture with someone doesn’t automatically mean you’re dating (if that were the case, I’d be dating all my friend’s cats) so I don’t think these two are humping on each other, even if Selena is totally his type (brunette, toddler face). He probably got scurred and ran off because he didn’t want anyone to know he had tickets to see Chelsea Handler (that’s the kind of embarrassing you don’t ever want to get out).

Orlando Bloom And Ashton Kutcher Make An Appearance On Lindsay Lohan’s List Of Famous Slam Pieces

Lindsay Lohan is a coke-infused snot bubble of insufferableness and delusion, and she’s about as tolerable and pleasant as a spiked dildo, but last week I stood up and clapped for her slut game when InTouch Weekly published a list of some of the famous dicks she’s supposedly taken a ride on. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to fuck a bunch of hot famous people? If you’re famous and don’t say, “Yeah, I’ve sucked that dick,” about every other presenter while watching the Golden Globes, you’re doing “being famous” wrong. The celebrity guest list for LiLo’s freckled cooch included hot pieces like Zac Efron (HA!), Justin Timberlake and Jamie Dornan. All three of those dudes have since overdosed with shame, said goodbye to public life and are now living in a monastery. They’ll never be heard from again. Well, they might get some company at the monastery, because in this week’s InTouch Weekly they squirted out even more names from the fuck list that LiLo supposedly made while boozing with friends in the bar at The Beverly Hills Hotel last January.

The second round of “Whose peen has paid a visit to Lindsay Lohan’s crackie cooch?” includes Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Nachos (Wonky McValtrex’s ex), Danny Cipriani (English rugby player and Kelly Brook’s ex), Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (hockey player who used to play for the New York Rangers), Orlando “Orli” Bloom, Brian@GPH (whatever that means), Josh Mond (movie producer), Riley S (whoever that is) and Petey Wright (model). Wilmer Valderrama AND Ashton Kutcher? If Topher Grace and Danny Masterson’s names aren’t under those blurred bars, they’re going to feel so left out, or relieved that they aren’t on the CDC’s “Sluts To Watch” list.

InTouch plans to release more names next week, but let’s all guess! I’m going to guess the rest of names are: SamRo, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Butler, Larry King, Richard Burton’s corpse (it was for research!), the tit-chewing dog from Mean Girls and Herbie the Love Bug.

Miranda Kerr Is Doing An Australian Billionaire

Well, I guess you throw that whole “working on mah marriage” thing in the trash when a billionaire starts cumming solid gold coins on your chichis. Just five weeks after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announced that they were done doing each other for now, Woman’s Day magazine (via SMH) says that she’s spinning on the diamond-encrusted platinum peen of Shrek-looking ass gambling tycoon James Packer, who is worth around $7 billion.

James is also going through some divorce shit with his wife of 6 years and the mother of his three kids. James and his wife Erica broke up barely three months ago. A source says that James and Miranda have only started dating recently, but they’ve known each other for a while  and their families have gone on vacations together. Miranda, Orlando and their kid Flynn spent some time in Tahiti with the Packers last year. James Packer’s spokeswhore wouldn’t say shit about this.

James Packer is somewhat of a star fucker and he became a Scientologist after he got friendly with Tommy Girl. He quit Scientology in 2005 after his dad died.

Miranda Kerr’s checking account is filled to the top with millions of dollars, but why fly first class to some island for vacation when you can fly on your private drone to a private island your billionaire boyfriend bought your ass? Yes, Orlando Bloom’s face is so pretty that you just want to sit on it, but James Packer’s face becomes sort of pretty when you picture it as a giant, gold, sparkly dollar sign. Blow a goodbye air kiss at Orlando’s pretty face and climb that ladder, you shameless bitch.

Here’s Miranda, Orlando and their kid in NYC a few nights ago.

Pics: Splash

Gerard Butler Doesn’t Want You To See Pictures Of Him Talking To Miranda Kerr

At a screening of The Great Gatsby in NYC on Tuesday night, noted slut whore Gerard Butler was seen talking to de-winged Victoria’s Secret angel and Orlando Bloom’s wife Miranda Kerr for a few minutes. When photographers took pictures of Gerard and Miranda sharing words with each other, he asked them to kindly delete the pictures or he’d screw every single one of their husbands or wives and when they look down at the freshly bloomed genital wart on their husbands or wives’ crotch, they’ll think of him!

Page Six says that Gerard must’ve known one of the photographers on a friendly level, because when he asked the dude to erase the pictures, they “high-fived and bro-hugged.” The source also says that Miranda was SMILING while talking to Gerard for 20 minutes.

What does it all mean?!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!

Whatever, can’t a married woman smile while talking to a certified slut for 20 minutes without a bunch of nosy hos thinking that something (read: his dick) is up? Yeah, no, not when it’s Gerard Butler we’re talking about. Something is always up when he’s talking to a chick. I bet that in those 20 minutes, they boned 3 different ways, cuddled, shared a cigarette and boned 2 other different ways without anybody noticing. The Butler is that smooth. The Butler is that stealth.

And you know when Gerard Butler and that photog “bro-hugged”? Yeah, his dick did the reach-under anal move. He’s that good.

Andre Leon Talley Leads The Fuckery Parade At The MET Gala

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.