Orlando Bloom And Kendall Jenner Are “Secretly Dating”

If you’re wondering why the dogs in your neighborhood are currently howling at the top of their lungs, it’s because they’re reacting to the high-pitched dog whistle squeal Pimp Mama Kris let out after she discovered that her most legit earner might be fucking a real celebrity.

So back in July it was reported that toddler-faced model enthusiast Orlando Bloom got the hots for Kendall Jenner after they met at a party. Well, two months later, The Sun (via Daily Mail) says that 38 year old Orlando and 19 year old Kendall have been secretly dating since they met. A source claims Orlando and Kendall have gone on a bunch of dates over the summer, one of which was sushi followed by a drive (ooooh, how exciting). The source says:

“The age difference doesn’t seem to bother them although it’s far too early for either to tell if it’s going to develop into something serious.”

“Excuse me? Being a teenager who dates an older dude with a kid is MY thing” hissed Kylie Jenner.

Of course this isn’t the first time Orlando Bloom has gone for a chick who can’t legally rent a car. About a year ago, Orlando was maybe revenge fucking one of the former members of Kendall’s friend club, Selena Gomez. So that’s…something.

Since this information comes from The Sun, there’s like a 99.99999% chance it was a wish that came from PMK’s vision board. But in the event they are actually dating each other, well – good luck with that, you two. Kendall, try not to make a grossed out face every time Orlando asks what Snapchat is. Orlando, don’t stare directly into the eyes of the firey red guy with horns who is always over at Kendall’s mom’s house.

Here’s Kendall pimping out perfume for Estée Lauder on Friday. You know a jealous Kim Kardashian is totally thinking “Estée Lauder? Hmm, never heard of them. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to hustling pills on Instagram.”

Pics: Wenn.com

What In Goth Window Curtain Hell?

Leonardo DiCatchAHo threw a gala for his foundation in St. Tropez yesterday and going by what Michelle Rodriguez put on her body, you’d think the theme was “Goth Granny Got Tangled Up In Her Curtain” glamour. I didn’t know you could vape crack. I mean, I’m guessing that’s what she’s vaping and I’m also guessing that she vaped it before she decided to do herself up like a budget model in a Frederick’s of Hollywood fashion show held in a mall in Transylvania.

I don’t even know why Michelle Rodriguez bothered wearing that busted ass curtain with the garbage bag flowers on it. She should’ve just showed up in black granny chonies, a tube top and her vape pen. Now that would’ve been a true look of elegance and she would’ve been the best dressed bitch at that gala. Before going out, MRod needed to take a good look in a full-length mirror and ask herself, “Would Kylie Jenner wear this to a funeral?” The answer is obviously an ALL-CAPS, bolded YES. That would’ve been MRod’s cue to take off the thing, douse it in gasoline, burn it, put its ashes in a box weighted down with rocks and take a boat out into the middle of the ocean to dump it. Purge the thing!

Anyway, here more pictures from last night’s gala, which raised more than $40 million, including some of Leonardo Seagal, his latest piece Kelly Rohrsomethingoranother and exquisite Swedish blossom Victoria Silvstedt.

Pics: Splash

Ed Sheeran Thinks Taylor Swift Should Date Orlando Bloom

You know, “date” is such a strong word, especially when it comes to a hot hit-it-and-quit-it piece like Orlando Bloom. Fuck several times, yes, but can you imagine dating that? Eventually you’d have to have an awkward conversation about all that random surfer bro jewelery and that tragic tribal sun tattoo on his upper dick area, and I’m not sure it would be worth it. However, someone thinks it would be, and that person is human-sized orange-flavoured singing Fruit Wrinkle Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran told Now magazine (via HuffPo) that he thinks Legolas Greenleaf would be a great match for his boy-crazy BFF Taylor Swift, and he’s hoping they might consider getting together. According to Ed Sheeran, they have a lot in common: they live in the same building, and…well, that’s about it – they live in the same building:

“He’s lovely, and they live in the same building. [I’m hoping that] the magic might present itself eventually.”

Tay Tay has said recently that she’s taking a bit of a break from dating, so Ed might have to wait a bit for that “magic” to happen, but when it does, he’ll know. Hell, we’ll ALL know; Tay Tay is papped at least 4 times a day walking in and out of her building, so it will be CODE BLUE the second she steps out with someone who isn’t a cat.

Here’s more of Tay Tay’s potential next break-up song in Cancun with some mystery blonde that I choose to believe has been hired by Orlando to apply SPF-50 to his upper dick area tribal sun. Nobody wants sun burnt skin flakes falling onto their balls!

Pics: Splash

Leonardo DiCaprio Clapped For Legolas During The Orlando Bloom Vs. Justin Bieber Douche Fight

The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.

A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:

“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”

I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.

This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.

And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.

Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?

Pics: FameFlynet

Justin Bieber Slaps At Orlando Bloom….On Instagram

Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?

The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.

And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.

Pics: Wenn.com

Orlando Bloom Tried To Punch Out Justin Bieber In Ibiza (UPDATE)

Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!

Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:

“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”

TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.

This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.

Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.

UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this: