FYI: “Zaddy” Christopher Meloni Can Catch Flies With His Ass Cheeks, Like A Venus Fly Trap
Well, there you have it. Fly costumes everywhere are sold out, and the #1 searched Google phrase is, “How do I make a fly costume for my tongue?” Because Christopher Meloni, whose hotness has set fire to more loins than a malfunctioning vibrator, has brought out his nipples and rock-hard ass cakes for a cover spread in Men’s Health. And during the interview for his cover story, Christopher Meloni joked that his ass cheeks can trap flies like a Venus Fly Trap. Well, if Christopher Meloni is ever looking to make a few more coins, he can launch a fleshlight mold of his ass that you hang on your patio to swallow up flies.
While looking like Ming The Merciless’ CrossFit papi twin on the cover of Men’s Health, Christopher Meloni talked to writer Anna Peele about his new show Law & Order: Organized Crime, how he got started in Hollywood, and how he keeps his body “dom daddy who scoffs at you when you bring out a bottle of lube and spits on your hole instead” hot. But more importantly, he talked about his “zaddy” status and muscly ass. Just a few months ago, Christopher Meloni’s bubble butt of steel made the rounds on Twitter again. My ass cheeks have been known to break the spirit of a man, but I ain’t got shit on Christopher Meloni whose 60-year-old ass cheeks have broken the internet. When Anna brings up how Christopher is having a “cultural moment” (read: he’s helping to cure dry mouth by giving tricks a case of the slobbers), he lets her know that he’s aware his butt is famous and he loves it.
“Zaddy!” the Internet cried. And Zaddy Meloni welcomed his new acolytes onto his thickly quaded lap. When I tell him he’s having a cultural moment, he says, accurately, “My ass is.” And Meloni, with his butch blend of off-color bluntness and gleeful mugging, is enjoying the high. “It’s cool as shit,” he says of having a renaissance in the back third of his life, sipping espresso out of a mug with his face printed on it. “The aspect of age comes into play as far as the cover of [this magazine] and how I feel about it. A friend of mine said, ‘Did you ever think in a million years you’d be on the cover of Men’s Health?’ I said, ‘Certainly not at age 60.’ ”
Later on in the interview, Chris asks Anna what a “zaddy” is exactly. A “zaddy” may sound like a dad who really loves Zatarain’s Jambalaya Rice Mix, but it’s just a smooth hot piece who is made up of equal parts style and confidence.
Meloni finally asks: What is a “Zaddy,” exactly? “I just thought it was a cutie thing,” he says, as adorable as a hulking 195-pound man can be. I explain that a Zaddy is a distinguished vintage. “Daddy plus?” he asks. “Daddy platinum?” Then he gets why he couldn’t be our Zaddy before now. “It’s reserved for an older gentleman,” Meloni says in wonder, his cobalt eyes widening. This moment couldn’t have happened until now, because Meloni wasn’t yet who he is now. “How much am I allowed to taste of this fruit?” he says, intoning the existential question of success with the confidence of someone who has very literally restricted his fructose consumption to achieve the tuchus we extol. “How much am I allowed to enjoy this?”
And toward the end of the interview is when Christopher made the joke about his fly-catching nalgas. If Christopher Meloni was a character in 1986’s The Fly, that movie would’ve been really short, because Jeff Goldblum would’ve ended up in his ass alley right away.
While we look out over the Hudson and Meloni eats peanut butter, we talk about the flow state—how sometimes, like right now for him, you hit all the green lights. When I tell him I’ve been killing flies with incredible accuracy lately, he says, “I catch flies with my ass cheeks, like a Venus flytrap.” He giggles wildly. “I’m clever with my ass cheeks!” he says, cackling. Moments later, a fly lands on the table. Meloni raises his hands. There’s a clap, then silence, and Meloni is smiling, once again looking down at a dead body.
Wait, so one minute he brags about how his ass can catch flies, and the next minute, he catches a fly with his hands? Put your money where your ass is, Meloni! And since the topic of this post is how Christopher puts the MELON in Meloni, here’s him working that ass out:
We’re about to find out if shapeshifting is a thing that can really exist. Because many a thirsty ho is going to try to shapeshift into a fly so they can buzz near Christopher Meloni’s zaddy buns and say with 100% truthfulness that they were destroyed by him.
And here are more pics of Christopher Melon’s hairy nipple knobs in Men’s Health:
Pic: Ben Watt/Men’s Health