So, Michelle Rodriguez Got A Little Drunk At The Knicks Game Last Night

I thought the picture of the viking vampire demi-god dropping iced butt cubes into a toilet in the South Pole would be the most entertaining picture I posted today, but then this mess came along. This messy picture has everything you want in a messy picture: Michelle Rodriguez slobbering over that vaporizer like it’s a hard black dick and she’s a Kardashian, Cara Delevingne getting stoned courtside (you know there’s a lot of the good shit in there), pro boxer Miguel Cotto throwing a look that says, “I know, son, I know, but stay still and don’t disrupt the Michelle Rodriguez when you see one in the wild,” and that gold medal-winning side-eye from a child. I also love how that red photographer looks like he’s wondering what he should take a picture of when there’s a drunk, stoned, messy lesbian show happening behind him.

Screw the Knicks game! The real entertainment happened courtside in Madison Square Garden last night. The Dominican Puerto Rican train wreck got Doogie Howser drunk and probably got stoned on that good shit before giving the children a show! MRod busted out several plastered faces, licked on the smoke rings that Cara blew out, made out with Cara and in between all of that took a little nap. If this was a game of charades, I’d scream out, “Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah doing a little mother/daughter bonding!”

It was the true definition of mess. I’m surprised the players didn’t stop playing and stand in front of MRod with their hands on their hips while they waited for her to finish. How could they ever compete with the shit show that MRod and Cara served up?

And after they left MSG, MRod kept the foolery going by karate kicking at the paps. Oh, MRod, keeping it sloppy, messy and rage-y as always. I bet you need PTSD counseling after she eats your puss out.

Pics: Getty, AP, Instagram

The “Fast & Furious 7” Will Go On

The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal executives and the director of Fast & Furious 7, James Wan, had a conference call this morning to decide what to do with that shit. They were in the middle of shooting scenes in Atlanta and were taking a break for the Thanksgiving holiday. Paul Walker and the rest of the cast were supposed to fly back to Atlanta today to continue filming and after that they were scheduled to shoot scenes in Abu Dhabi in January. James and the executives had a meeting this morning, because everybody was asking (nobody was asking), “But what about that car movie?!”

THR says that Universal and James made the decision to not shelve the movie completely, but they did agree that they should press pause on filming since the crew and the cast need time to mourn Paul Walker and don’t really give three queefs about that Fast & Furious shit right now. They aren’t sure when shooting will pick up again. Since Paul Walker’s character is in a lot of the scenes they haven’t shot yet, they’re deciding how to re-write and rework the scenes.

In other Paul Walker news, the driver of the red Porsche Carrera GT has been identified as Roger Rodas, Paul’s friend and the CEO of his automotive company Always Evolving. Paul and Roger became friends because they both loved cars. Witnesses tell People that as the car show/charity event was ending, Paul and Roger took the Porsche for a joyride behind the Always Evolving warehouse in a business park. (Here’s a picture of Paul with the Porsche hours before the crash) The Los Angeles County sheriff said in a statement that speed was a factor in the crash, but a witness type says that they didn’t drive off recklessly since children were around including Paul’s 15-year-old daughter Meadow. Fifteen minutes after Paul and Roger took off, everyone heard a loud crash and we all know what happened next.

And in my post about Paul’s death, I forgot to include Vin Diesel’s tweets:

Brother, I will miss you very much. Heaven has gained a new angel. Rest in peace xxx

— Vin Diesel (@REAL_VinDiesel) December 1, 2013

Although I'm totally heartbroken to of lost a brother….I feel honoured and blessed to of known such a wonderful guy pic.twitter.com/Hu0dnHiCRC

— Vin Diesel (@REAL_VinDiesel) December 1, 2013

Yes, I read those tweets while listening to Vin’s cover of “Stay.” It’s the only way to read them.

Michelle Rodriguez’s Vagina Goes For Peen And Poon

While the two out of three Jonas Brothers came out as being one hundred percent pussy lovers (HAHAHAHAHA), Michelle Rodriguez tells Entertainment Weekly (via UsWeekly) that the media’s always wondering if she rubs her punane against another punane or rubs it against a hard dick and the answer is: both. MRod says that in movies she usually plays a butch bitch who can suck a twat until it turns into a raisin, so she understands why people thinks she’s a lesbian. But in real life she’s bi-sexual. Clutch your anal beads!

“I’ve never walked the carpet with anyone, so they wonder: What does she do with her vagina? Plus, I play a butchy girl all the time, so they assume I’m a lesbo. Eh, they’re not too far off. I’ve gone both ways. I do as I please. I am too f–king curios to sit here and not try when I can. Men are intriguing. So are chicks.”

One of my favorite phrases of 2011 was “Mitchie loves sausage” and MRod gave that us when she denied that she’s a card carrying members of the gayelles. So, on one hand it’s nice that MRod is saying what everyone has already known, but on the other hand I’m sad she didn’t take the opportunity to update one of my favorite phrases by saying, “Mitchie loves sausage and fish. She’s a surf and turf kind of ho.”

QOTD: Vin Diesel Is Way Too Buff To Play Ferris Bueller

Let’s all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men’s Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he’s a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

“Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn’t have done Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it’s part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he’d be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors.”

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart’s head on Vin Diesel’s body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It’s Hollywood. It’s the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, “It’s make believe!”

And here’s the dude we’ll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

Michelle Rodriguez On Why Nicole Kidman Won’t Win An Oscar For Pissing On Zac Efron

When I first read that in Lee Daniels’ newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron’s chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave “Nicole Kidman’s Piss Stream” on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn’t going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac’s lip gloss-covered nipples, because she’s not black.

“I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, ‘She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.’ I was like, ‘Nah, man. She’s not black!’ I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy.”

The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn’t for playing a character that wasn’t black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren’t trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels’ Precious, Mo’Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don’t know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you’re high on meth. I’m not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.

And now I have the image of Mo’Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.

Michelle Rodriguez Is One Lucky Bitch

If any of us had a stumpy mast of seasoned Italian gristle with a slug hugger full of soft bulging love communicating to us in body language to ravage him whole, we would not turn our backs to him the way Michelle Rodriguez did in Sardinia yesterday. But that’s exactly what MRod did while climbing rocks and shit with Italian businessman Gianluca Vacchi. I mean, Gianluca is throwing his arms up and begging for a stick up, but MRod is denying him! Or maybe she left her dildo gun on the boat. Whatever the case may be, I hope that after those dykes on a bike rode into the sunset, their love story ended with Gianluca checking into the emergency room at 4am because he accidentally fell culo first onto a broken off strap-on. Il finito!