Zac Efron And Michelle Rodriguez Aren’t A Thing Anymore

There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.

Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.

“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”

Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.

“He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”

Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.

Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.

In “This Is The Epitome Of Random” News: Michelle Rodriguez And Zac Efron Got Papped Kissing

Butch queen Michelle Rodriguez and pretty pretty princess Zac Efron have been vacationing with friends in Sardinia for a little bit and that pairing makes zero sense until you remind yourself that Zac kind of loves drugs and she is made of equal parts coke, booze and weed. I was expecting to see the headline, “Italy Fresh Out Of The Bad Shit, Asks South America For A Cocaine Bailout,” but I was not expecting to see the headline, “Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez Confirm Romance.” Yesterday, The Daily Mail threw up pictures of Zac Efron getting lip gloss on Michelle Rodriguez’s face while delicately kissing her on a boat. The definition of “random” always finds new, creative and WTF ways to redefine itself. This is like the Inception of bearding.

MRod was clit wrestling with Cara Delevingne a few months ago and together they were my second favorite gayelle couple after Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, but I guess she’s done with that and now she’s one half of my new favorite lesbian couple.  MRod has said before that she goes wherever her cooch takes her and she loves both dick and snatch, and you know her strap-on game is next level, so these two sort of make a sliver of sense. But CDAN has a different theory for why these two are suddenly a thing. Apparently, MRod really wants a fetus in her and she may be trying to get Zac’s glitter sperm to knock her up.

Michelle had a long time girlfriend. Her name is not important here, but they dated for lots of years and even have an agreement together in case they ever split. Not a registered partnership, but something to protect both of them in case of a split. This girlfriend and Michelle had been searching for someone to have a child for them. To be the father. The person they both decided on was Olivier Martinez. Yep, the same guy who ended up having a child with Halle Berry. Apparently Olivier told Michelle that he would love to have a child with her and Michelle was enamored of the idea and thought Olivier would be perfect. Then he got involved with Halle and Michelle felt betrayed and lied to by Olivier. Nothing new if you know Olivier. Up to that point, Michelle had never been with guy. Ever. Yes, I know she likes to tell the world she likes both sexes, and she does a lot of flirting, but remember it was only recently that she was spotted openly making out with Cara Delevingne and other women. Michelle decided to cheat with Cara on her then girlfriend who she was supposed to meet up with in Asia. Fast forward a few months and Michelle and Cara split and Michelle and Zac are spotted making out on boat off the coast of Italy and are joined by a guy who has been the source of a lot of issues with Zac.

If Michelle and Zac had a butch unicorn baby together, the Earth would end when millions of heads exploded simultaneously. I think Neil deGrasse Tyson talked about that in Cosmos or something.

This might be the greatest acting that Zac has ever done, because they actually look really into each other in those pics. MRod’s looking at Zac like he’s a giant vagina and he’s looking at her like she’s a giant tube of tinted moisturizer. You know, maybe they aren’t kissing at all. Maybe MRod burped up some coke. I’m going to stop questioning them and just go with it, because I can truly get behind (wink wink) a couple that “fuckery” queefed up.

Here’s Zac working out with hot Italian daddy Gianluca Vacchi in Sardinia on Saturday.

Pics: Splash

Close Your Trapper-Keeper To Taken Gayelles, Taylor!

I am not a smart person (understatement of the centuryyyyy), but I do know what danger is. Danger is buying $0.49 sandwich from a gas station convenience store. Danger is looking at a questionable dick and thinking ‘I’m sure that’s just an ingrown hair’. But the most dangerous danger of all is coming between two crazy-ass unstable booze-guzzling gayelles! Taylor Swift must be feeling brave after buying that leather jacket, because she dared to spend yesterday hanging out with Michelle Rodriguez’s current partner in coochie-cuddling, Cara Delevingne. Damn girl, you might wanna call Mercy General and tell them to set aside a bowl of lime jello for you, because if Michelle ever sees these picture of you squiring her woman around town, she’s going to put your ass in the hospital.

Then again, I’m not completely sure Michelle knows how to operate a computer (or as she calls it ‘Not A Booze Dispenser‘) so Taylor might be safe. But still! I can’t get behind a home depot-wrecking hussy. And yes, I know that Taylor isn’t trying to fuck Cara; they were just going out for sushi and doing a little shopping. But you never know with that shady butterscotch sundae; everything is a potential break-up song (“Is this light bulb broken? GET MY GUITAR”).

And I would have done n-e-thang to see the look on Taffy Sinclair’s face when she saw what Cara was wearing on their friendship date. “Did you need some more time to get ready? You’re ready. Sorry Cara, but I can’t Instagram us doing super cute things if you’re not looking super cute. Gosh, friend collecting is so difficult these days.”

Pics: Splash

Cara Delevingne Makes Out With Michelle Rodriguez While Dressed Like The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air

If you’re in Miami and see steam billowing out of one of the hotels, it’s nothing. It’s just Michelle Rodriguez and her piece Cara Delevingne rubbing a layer of skin off of their coochie lips while scissoring, because you know when these two fuck, they fuck. They fuck like a death comet is shooting towards Earth. When they fuck, smoke detectors go off and when the firefighters break down their hotel room door and try to pry them off of each other, they keep fucking. Turning the hose on them is a waste of water, because they can’t stop, won’t stop.

While looking like Jason Mewes dressed up as a Disney Channel rapper circa 1993, Cara held MRod’s head like a basketball and made out with her in front of their hotel in Miami yesterday. Before making out in Miami yesterday, Cara and Michelle touched nipples while making out with their tops off in Cancun last week.

I’m gayer than a baby blue poodle humping on a flamingo plush toy’s ass and even that did things to me. But you know when this ends, it’s not going to end well. They’re going to make SamRo and LiLo look like a functional and sane couple. They’re going to unconsciously uncouple, because they’re going to knock each other out with the shit they’ll throw at each other from across the room. There’s going to be tears, screams, broken windows, blood and the make-up sex will make the ice sheet in Greenland melt once and for all. We’ve been warned.

Pics: Splash

Michelle Rodriguez Didn’t Tell The Mirror That She’s Doing Cara Delevingne Full-Time

The Internet’s clit got extra hot yesterday when The Mirror said that Michelle Rodriguez confirmed to them that she’s dating current it model and eyebrow game bronze medalist Cara DeliVinesorwhatever. MRod supposedly said that their relationship is going well and Cara’s real tough. I took that to mean that Cara is a bossy bottom or mostly the top. If The Mirror printed a headline that read, “John Travolta Gets The Drips From Looking At Light Brown Cock,” I’d look at it with suspect eyes, so I didn’t 100% believe that they talked to MRod, but I wanted to believe. But MRod’s rep tells Gossip Cop and TMZ that she never said words to The Mirror:

Michelle’s rep tells TMZ, the UK Mirror story — in which Michelle reportedly admitted to being in a relationship with Cara — is FALSE. The rep says Michelle never spoke to the Mirror.

MRod’s rep didn’t deny that she’s bumping ‘ginas with Cara, they only denied that she talked to The Mirror.

In The Mirror’s defense, Michelle Rodriguez is a stumbling mess and her head is filled with a cloud of nitrous oxide and Jack Daniel fumes that eat all of her memories, so she probably doesn’t remember who she talked to 2 seconds ago let alone 2 full nights ago. So MRod might’ve talked to them, she might’ve not talked to them or she might’ve spilled her heart out to a plastic ficus tree in the corner and The Mirror overheard their conversation. Those plastic ficus trees are so damn trustworthy when you’re wasted.

Here’s LiLo and SamRo 2.0 leaving the Elle Style Awards in London last night. They’re always hiding their faces in their laps. They look like they’re trying to lick their crotches (stretch before hand, bitches!) or like their teacher just screamed, “EARTHQUAKE DRILL!”

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Michelle Rodriguez Tells The Mirror That She’s Dating Cara Delevingne

Based on those pictures of Michelle Rodriguez getting every kind of crunk at a Knicks game, I thought she was in an EXCLUSIVO three-way relationship with Jack Daniels and a vaporizer. But MRod has a lot of love to give and apparently she’s scissoring some of that wet, sloppy love on the crotch of hipster model Cara Delevingne. Even though MRod and Cara put on a drunken, messy gayelle show at the Knicks game and got hers-and-hers hangover cure IV drips (Side note: I’ll stick to menudo enemas as my hangover cure of choice, thankyouverymuch), I didn’t think they were really clit wrestling for real. But 35-year-old MRod supposedly told The Mirror (aka The Mine Of Salt Daily) that she and 21-year-old Cara have been licking on each other’s chochas for about six weeks now and Cara is so tough that she regularly wins their lesbian oil wrestling matches (which I’m sure they do every night).

“It’s going really well. She’s so cool. When we started hanging out I just thought she was awesome, and we have the best time together. She’s hard though. You wouldn’t want to mess with her in a fight.”

The Mirror’s source also says that things are so serious that MRod’s going to Cara’s older sister’s bachelorette party in L.A. next month.

This is coming from The Mirror, so I don’t know… I won’t believe it one hundred percent until I see paparazzi pictures of Cara Delewhatevervine walking around without eyebrows because MRod munched her pruned woolly bear brows right off. And you know MRod can.

Here’s some sort-of-funny pictures of Cara and a barefoot MRod going into and leaving Prince’s show in London last night.

Pics: Splash