Michelle Rodriguez Knows How To Do Cannes

Now you know what innocent passersby see when you come stumbling out of a cab (or whatever) smelling like poor decisions and a good time with ropes of your hair swinging all around like you’ve just given road head during a bumpy ride. Thanks to Michelle Rodriguez for giving you a picture to match to the feeling!

While some celebrities spray their genitals with fancy French perfume and try to behave like refined swans in Cannes, MRod is doing Cannes how it should be done. By day she’s hanging her Dominican moon over the waters of Cannes, and by night she’s running from a motel in her gown after gnawing off the arm of a dealer who tried to sell her a bag of dirty kitty litter. MRod snorted it anyway, because the cat could’ve been on Ketamine and why waste that shit?

Hopefully, one of these days MRod drunkenly trips out of a cab and lands directly onto Paz de la Huerta who is obviously lying in the gutter. Because those two belong together!

Michi Likes Sausage

Michi Likes Sausage is an awesome name for a Joni Mitchell cover band that only plays meatarian events, it’s also what Michi Rodriguez said at the premiere of Battle L.A. when talking about those lesbian rumors that won’t quit. Michelle does this all the fucking time. She has to let us know that even though she looks like she could lick a pussy until her tongue turns into a raisin, the only thing she’s slapping her strap-on against is man ass. Got it. That’s our cue to change MRod’s order from “tuna” to “sausage” before changing it back to “tuna” again a hot second later. Don’t put your pen away, because we’ll be doing this again next year.

And Then There Was Michelle Rodriguez

I was wondering why Natalie Portman thanked Michelle Rodriguez* in her never-ending acceptance speech of never-ending thank yous last night, but now I know why. Natalie’s unborn baby is the reincarnation of Nostradamus and told her that Michelle Rodriguez would dress jack Noah Cyrus and stomp through the night in some silver ho shit: boudoir edition. I want to get on a stage myself and thank Michelle for this elegant mess.

MRod is a butch bitch who usually only wears black leather, gun holsters, pocket knives, boxer briefs, a jock strap and a serious snarl, so I’m surprised to see her wearing vintage Victoria’s Secret (and by vintage I mean like 2002).

You know that by the end of the night, Michelle had that skirt hiked over her bagina and downed a Bud while sitting spread eagle like a bow-legged trucker getting a $2 lap dance.

* Yes, I know Natalie Portman thanked a different Michelle Rodriguez, but let me believe.

Dildo For Ransom

Couples get into fights for all sorts of stupid reasons. I once got into a major slap fight with an ex-boyfriend because during sexy times the peen accidentally poked the outer no-no hole area. It felt like I got knuckle punched in the starfish and I’m not into that violent shit! I’m sure Michelle Rodriguez and her “roommate” got into a fight for very similar reasons.

Rush & Molloy reports that at the Mayfair Hotel in Coconut Grove, FL on Sunday morning, MRod woke up guests by banging on her hotel door and screaming at her lady friend.

One guest said, “I woke up Sunday morning to the sounds of two women yelling, and one of them was smashing the door knocker very loudly. I peeked out and saw it was [Rodriguez]. She’s screaming, ‘Open up, let me in, bitch!’ If you don’t open up, you’re not getting your [pleasure toy] back.”

And with that, the door opened. Lezzies love their [pleasure toys]!

I’m going to assume that the [pleasure toy] they’re talking about is a dildo. But it could be a vibrator, strap-on, chainsaw or whatever the hell lezzies use to do each other with. If MRod was outside of the room, where was the [pleasure toy]? It was up her chocha, right?

MRod is my kind of angry lezzie. I can’t even call her a gayelle, because she isn’t. Bitch is a straight-up Lezzzie. I threw in an extra “z,” because that’s how hardcore she is. I bet you that when her partner in pussy finally let her inside the room, MRod really gave it to the bitch with the help of her [pleasure toy].

Michelle Rodriguez Is On The Loose!

Michelle Rodriguez is free after spending only 17 days in Lynwood. Michelle was sentenced to 180 days for a DUI. I was under the impression that she wasn’t eligible for early release. TMZ reports that she was let go and it’s unclear why.

Los Angeles is a great city! If you have to drink and drive anywhere, do it in Los Angeles. I’m guessing they released her, because she won the jail coochie pie eating contest. She ate 20 coochies in 5 minutes! Look at her! She definitely looks like a champion coochie eater.

Scissor Sisters