Category: Jeff Bezos
Thanks To The Coronavirus, Jeff Bezos Is On Track To Becoming The World’s First Trillionare
The last thing we need to see right now is another billionaire profiting off a deadly human health crisis. Luckily for current richest man in the world Jeff Bezos, he won’t have to worry about being one of those for much longer. According to The New York Post, Jeff is on track to becoming the world’s first trillionaire whose dick pics got passed around by his girlfriend’s brother. But also just the world’s first trillionaire period. Why it’s almost enough to make me consider canceling my order for that just for Zoom-funsies wig from the Dolly Parton collection that I ordered on Amazon.
Jeff Bezos Bought Two Beverly Hills Properties For A Total Of $255 Million
Because every billionaire overlord needs a billionaire overlord compound to plan his world takeover in, Jeff Bezos has spread his cheeks and farted out a paltry $255 million to buy two massive properties in Beverly Hills. As Amazon’s accountants send the IRS a check of $0 in corporate taxes and Amazon workers slave away, Jeff Bezos will skip through his new Beverly Hills mansion while deciding which one of his many bidets will get the honor of licking his ass like it’s Sandra Lee’s ex. The Wall Street Journal reports that the emperor of America’s favorite brand has broken the California real estate record by buying the Jack Warner Estate in Beverly Hills. And because most of us haven’t seen just how big Jeff’s alleged big dick is, he had to show us by buying the place next-door too. It’s like the billionaire version of an Amazon add-on item.
Lauren Sanchez’s Brother Claims That She’s Engaged To Jeff Bezos
Since Succession isn’t coming back for a long time, we’ll just have to be content with this messy, low-rent Dynasty knock off called Bezos’ Billions to get our fix of billionaire schadenfreude. On last week’s episode, Michael Sanchez was suing Jeff Bezos, The World’s Richest Man (we know this because he’s named as such in the lawsuit), and a private investigator named Gavin de Becker for defamation, claiming he was falsely accused of selling pictures of his sister’s lover’s dick to The National Enquirer. Today, Page Six reports that details included in the lawsuit suggest that Jeff and said sister, Lauren Sanchez, The World’s Most Glamorous Woman (we know this because just look at her!), are engaged. And that’s not the only tease written between the lines of Michael’s lawsuit which reads like The World’s Shadiest Legal Document.
Lauren Sanchez’s Brother Is Suing Jeff Bezos For Defamation
When the richest man in the world Jeff Bezos announced that his marriage to MacKenzie Bezos was over, we learned that he was with Lauren Sanchez. Things got more awkward from there. Lauren’s brother, Michael Sanchez got wrapped up in an alleged plot to bring down Jeff Bezos. The scheme involved Donald Trump, American Media Inc. and its owner David Pecker. Michael is the one who originally leaked Jeff and Lauren’s sexy text messages which led to Jeff revealing his divorce. So allegedly Michael did the same thing with the dick pics, and now he’s suing over the accusations. And yes, we should all file a class-action suit against everyone involved for making us picture the richest dick’s dick.
Jeff Bezos “Earned” Over $13 Billion In Under 15 Minutes
Because you, the average person, are too lazy to actually take your ass to Target, Jeff Bezos just became $13.2 billion richer than he already was. Congratulations, you just paid for Lauren Sanchez’ spa treatments for a year! Ok, maybe 6 months, but seriously get a grip. You’re an adult. Do you have a crush on your Amazon Prime driver or something?
According to Bloomberg (the news org, not the other billionaire, at least not directly), Amazon stock surged yesterday, netting Jeff $13.2 billion in as much time as it takes for you to find anything on Prime Video using their crappy search function. Seriously, how is Netflix the only streaming service with a user friendly interface?!
The Saudi Government Denies That Their Crown Prince Stole Jeff Bezos’ Dick Pics
If Jeff Bezos’ life was a rainy day board game, it would probably be Monopoly, but the kind of Monopoly where one person plays dirty, buys all the properties and utilities, and starts bankrupting everyone else on the board. However, over the past year he’s been playing his own personal game of Clue, and the mystery he’s trying to solve is who stole his dick pics to his alleged mistress from where, and where they might end up. Well, we might know who stole his dick pics. At the very least, we know who is swearing up and down that they don’t have said pictures.