I See Kanye West Is Designing Red Carpet Gowns Now

Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.

I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.

Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.

Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.

Pics: Wenn.com

News That’ll Make Your Sex Parts Scream Yes: Idris Elba Is Single

As Idris Elba’s scorned ex-piece K. Michelle wonders, “Maybe I should call,” b-holes and pussies that don’t have a chance in hell with him are howling “Hallelujah!” Because apparently, the piping hot piece of British man meat and noted ho Idris Elba is no longer with his girlfriend and the mother of his second baby. I know, I didn’t know that the woman whose body and face I replaced with mine in pictures was his girlfriend. But she’s not anymore.

43-year-old Idris and 28-year-old Naiyana Garth started doing each other full-time in 2013. Idris knocked her up very early into their relationship and she gave birth to their son Winston in 2014. The Sun says that Idris has moved out of the house they lived in together and moved into a nearby place to be close to Winston. The source spilled this out:

“It ended very recently and it’s too soon for her to talk about it. They’ve kept it very quiet so she’s surprised people know already. It’s very sad that this has happened while Idris is experiencing the highest points of his professional career and they can’t celebrate it with each other.”

Idris was at the British Film Awards, where he won Best Actor for Beasts of No Nation, on Sunday night and he was asked if he’s officially put an “open to the public again” sign on his dick. He only said, “That’s the media for you.” That means yes.

Idris and his “friend” Naomi Campbell recently left a club in NYC together, so some think that Naomi the Terrible threw an iPhone 6s Plus (I’d like to think she evolved and is now throwing iPhones instead of BlackBerries) at his home and wrecked it. I don’t know if Idris and Naomi are a thing thing. They don’t really make sense to me. Sure, Idris can figuratively take Naomi’s coochie to paradise, but I don’t think he has the funds to fly her on a gold-plated jet to his private island where they’d roll around on a beach made of actual diamonds. I’m pretty sure Naomi is a size queen and by that I mean she’ll only regularly date a dude with horse hung bank accounts.

And here’s Naomi working the shit out of a bunion at last night’s NYC premiere of Zoolander 2.

Pics: Wenn.com

Helen Mirren Doesn’t Think It’s Fair That Everyone Is Shitting On The Academy Because Of #OscarsSoWhite

Oscar winner and the new face of Budweiser Dame Helen Mirren was asked to brain burp up her thoughts on the fact that the Oscar acting categories are filled with nothing but white people for the second year in a row. While talking to the UK’s Channel 4 News (via The Guardian), Helen says that she doesn’t think it’s fair that everyone is coming for the Academy because it’s not their fault that the voters would rather watch a movie where Matt Damon makes caca potatoes (pootatoes) on Mars than watch a movie about child soldiers in Africa.

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Idris Elba Won The Screen Actors Guild Awards, Twitter Responds With #SAGsSoBlack

(Note from Michael: Yes, I’ve already done some things to that pic in Photoshop.)

Take notes, Academy Awards. Unlike you, the Screen Actors Guild Awards was very, er, diverse last night #SAGsSoBlack. The winners included Black actresses such as Viola Davis, Uzo Aduba and Queen Latifah who won statues for their performances in TV shows or movies, prompting Twitter to respond in appreciation with the hashtag, #SAGsSoBlack. Idris Elba made history during Saturday night’s show for his record breaking win for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries for his starring role in Luther, and for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role, in Beasts of No Nation. He’s the first male Brit to walk away with two statues on the same night. Helen Mirren was the first female Brit to do the same.

The hot piece of British ass was dapper, unlike some other Brits (I’m looking at you, Daisy Lowe) and thanked everyone. He literally spends 47 seconds thanking everyone he’s ever met in his life. Take it away, Mr. Elba.

If you’re too lazy to press play, read Idris’ thank you speech below.

“I remember getting my SAG card from [the TV show] Law and Order; that was 20 years ago so thank you for that, man.

Cary Fukunaga you are a G for making this movie. You toyed around with this script for seven years and I’m thankful to take this award on your behalf.

Ted-something from Netflix, well done for your belief, bro.

We made a film about real people and real lives. And to be awarded for it is very special because a lot of people were damaged through that. So thank you for giving this film light, respect, love.”

Idris also got really reflective and gave his two cents on the #OscarsSoWhite controversy and shared:

“Welcome to diverse TV.”

Take that, take that #OscarsSoWhite for snubbing Idris for a Best Supporting Actor nod for Beast of No Nation. Did you really think the Universe wouldn’t find some other way to make amends?

Pics: WENN.com

Idris Elba Is “Too Street” To Play James Bond, So Says The Author Of The Latest Bond Novel (UPDATE)

Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba has long been talked about as the one who should replace Daniel Craig as James Bond and he has said before that he’s into it and even Sony’s ex-co chairman Amy Pascal is for it. But one trick who is totally not into it is the author of a James Bond novel whose name isn’t Ian Fleming. Anthony Horowitz, the author of the newest Bond book Trigger Mortis (I both love and hate that title), tells The Daily Mail that Idris Elba is “too street” to play James Bond. According to him, “too street” isn’t code for “too black.” Anthony can name other black actors who should play Bond (Adrian Lester is one, he says), but Idris isn’t one of them.

“Idris Elba is a terrific actor, but I can think of other black actors who would do it better. For me, Idris Elba is a bit too rough to play the part. It’s not a colour issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond. Is it a question of being suave? Yeah.”

Anthony also thinks Skyfall is the worst Bond movie ever, he didn’t like Quantum of Solice and he thinks Ian Fleming’s Bond novels are “too slow.” If his ass also said that Denise Richards is the worst Bond girl of all-time, I’d really raise a pitchfork at him!

But Anthony does think Daniel Craig is a great James Bond. Okay, so if Idris is “too street,” then what in the hell is Daniel Craig? Daniel Craig is way more street than Idris Elba. One of the reasons I like Daniel Craig as Bond is that he’s both suave and rougher than Miley Cyrus’ voice. Dude looks like he’s been shanked in the face several times during bar fights, stole all of the suits he wears and will directly spit on your genitals if there isn’t any lube around. That’s one way I like my Bond.

And Idris Elba never struck me as street at all. He looks like he came out of his mom’s vagina while wearing a tuxedo.

UPDATE: That was fast. Anthony Horowitz is sorry.

“I’m really sorry my comments about Idris Elba have caused offence. That wasn’t my intention. I was asked in my interview if Idris Elba would make a good James bond. In the article I expressed the opinion that to my mind Adrian Lester would be a better choice, but I’m a writer not a casting director, so what do I know? Clumsily, I chose the word ‘street’ as Elba’s gritty portrayal of DCI John Luther was in my mind, but I admit it was a poor choice of word. I am mortified to have caused offence.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Idris Elba Thinks We’ll Never See Idris Elba As James Bond, And It’s All Our Faults

Sad news for those of you who have spent the past four months on your knees praying to St. Hollywood that Idris Elba would be chosen as the next James Bond, because according to Idris Elba, it’s probably not going to happen. And the reason it’s not going to happen is because we wanted it too much. Originally, Idris Elba was laughing off the rumor, but during a conversation with London’s British Film Institute (via THR) yesterday, he made it clear that we’ve got a better chance of seeing a Kardashian with a deflated ass than seeing Idris Elba as Bond:

“Honestly, it’s a rumor that’s really starting to eat itself. If there was ever any chance of me getting Bond, it’s gone.”

No! Say it ain’t so, Luther! Unless I hear it from Mr. Bond himself (I don’t know anything about James Bond, but that sounds sort of right to me), I refuse to believe the dream is dead. I don’t want to live in a world that would deny us the chance to see Idris Elba stroll out of the ocean in a pair of junk-hugging short shorts or lighting panties on fire with the sight of him in a red diaper and thigh-high boots. Yes, I know that’s Zardoz, but my mind chooses to believe that just like former James Bond Sean Connery, Idris Elba would also choose to follow up his role as 007 with some sexy sci-fi future fuckery. Is it too much to ask for a half-naked Idris Elba? Just let me have this Hollywood! Come on, I saw The World Is Not Enough twice – I think I deserve this.