And Now It’s Jennifer Lawrence’s Turn To Work That Fancy Duvet Cover Couture!

As a proud nap enthusiast, I am loving the siesta sophistication being served up at these Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres! First it was Elizabeth Banks turning out gorgeous guest bedroom eleganza in London, and now we have Jennifer Lawrence working some flawless 5-star hotel room realness at the premiere in Los Angeles last night. That dress makes me want to order a $30 cheeseburger from room service and eat it in a pillow fort while watching a tasteful $20 adult film.

Now, I’m not sure what Jennifer Lawrence has stuffed under the skirt of her fancy Dior dress, but I will say this: it looks like it’s either comfortable as hell or a Slue Foot Sue nightmare. But knowing JLaw, there’s no way she’d cram herself into anything that would restrict a fart, so I’m going with “comfortable”. JLaw is smart – those Hunger Games movies are long as hell, and the best way to prevent getting a painful ass cramp from sitting too long is to make sure your butt is wrapped in a soft nest of plush booty cushioning.

Sadly, JLaw’s down-filled butt wasn’t my favorite look of the premiere. That honor goes to Fulton Reed from The Mighty Ducks (aka Elden Henson) who wore his hair in a gorgeous pair of formal gentleman braids!

The braids plus the bow tie make him look like sort of like a little girl at a dance recital that was like “Fuck this shit, I’m late for my job at the bank“. I love it! Here’s more of JLaw looking all kinds of comforter casual and Fulton Reed working a tight hair game last night, as well as Jena Malone serving up some drunk memaw at a wedding realness, and MISS DIANA ROSS!!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Diana Ross Is Officially Related To The Simpsons

Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.

UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.

UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.

And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.

Pics: Wenn.com

Diana Ross’ Son Is Ready To Marry Into The Simpson Family

Because the paparazzi stopped showing up when they texted their exact location for a photo-op, Evan Ross and Asshole Simpson had to go to The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere in L.A. to get their picture taken and while they were there reporters asked them about their relationship since what else is there to ask? Well, that’s not true. I’d ask Ashlee if she gets her chin so shiny by polishing it on the hairy bow tie patch on Evan’s chin. But omg! Insider asked Evan and Ashlee about how things are going  between them and he said that he can’t wait to deep throat her chin on their wedding night.

“Yeah, she’s the one. It’s amazing. I’m so in love and we’ve got amazing things going on. And we inspire each other.”

Evan said that he foresees them getting married soon. And I can see foresee Papa Joe’s hand playing a little under-the-table grab-ass during Thanksgiving dinner this year.

But what I want to know is, how does Diana Ross feel about her son linking her to that family of messes?

If my son came to me and told me that he’s been sucking stranger dick under a freeway overpass for money to buy meth, I’d tell him that I was proud of him, because instead of stealing from me he’s working for that meth money. That’s being responsible. If my son came to me and told me that he read all the Fifty Shades of Grey books and actually liked them, I’d tell him I was disappointed, but we’ll get through this difficult time together. But if my son came to me and told me he wanted to marry Ashlee Simpson and I’d have to spend holidays with those crazies, I’d disown him, change my number, sell my house, change my face, change my social security number and never talk to him again. If you really want to hurt and get back at your parents, marry a Simpson.

Here’s more of Evan and Ashlee (looking like the fourth runner-up in 1994’s Miss Slovak Republic pageant) last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Tony Bennett Calls For The Legalization Of The Good Shit, The Bad Shit And Every Other Kind Of Shit!

If President Obama, Congress and all the Houses quit their jobs and handed all their power over to Tony Bennett, you’d soon be able to waltz into a Duane Reade to pick up a bottle of lube (not the Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed one), a bag of hot fries, a roll of toilet paper and a box of crack rocks. At Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy gala, held at the same hotel where Whitney Houston passed away, Tony said that deaths of Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson and Whitney might have not happened if all drugs were legal. Preach it, pepaw!

“First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now, the magnificent Whitney Houston. I’d like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs.

Let’s legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one’s hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it.”

The only shit I know about Amsterdam I learned from an episode of House Hunters International, but I’m pretty sure that only weed is legal there and they still have to buy their 8-balls from a sketchy dealer with stank breath in the dark part of an alley way like the rest of us. Also, Michael Jackson died of a prescription pill overdose and it’s looking like Whitney didn’t take any illegal drugs before she went up to star in Heaven’s remake of Sparkle with Aaliyah. It is kind of bizarre that Xanax and Valium are completely legal, yet whenever my weed man comes to visit, I have to pat him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire tap. Actually, that’s not why I pat him down. I pat him down because he lets me and it’s pretty much the only kind of action I get.

Anyway, Pepaw Tony means well and some of what he says sort of makes sense if you think about how many billions are spent and how many people die from the war on drugs shit. But that’s some shit for a different day. I think what Tony is really trying to say is that he wants to be able to buy a damn joint wherever he goes.

Here’s a few pictures from Clive Davis’ gala last night and let me predict the future by typing what you’re going to think in about 5 seconds: What in the name of veiny titty balls was Kim Kardashian doing there?! Call me Miss Cleo.

In order: Toni Braxton, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, nobody, Glamberace, Amber Rose (no comment on those Klingon brows and gremlin lips), Diana Ross, a Diana Ross wannabe and Our Lady of Perpetual Cheetos.

Michael Jackson’s Will Filed

The will of Michael Jackson was filed in Los Angeles today and TMZ got a hold of it. As expected, MJ named his mother Katherine as legal guardian of Prince Michael, Blanket and Paris. If Katherine wasn’t able to care for the kids for any reason, he wanted Miss Diana Ross to be their guardian.

Yeah, I didn’t see that one coming. Joe Jackson is totally rubbing his palms together, because his dream of The Jackson 3 is getting closer…..

The will also states Michael’s estate is worth $500 million. Everything has been left to the Michael Jackson Family Trust. The co-executors of the trust are John Branca (his lawyer), John McCain (former presidential candidate) and Barry Siegel (his accountant) NO! Not John McCain. I’m telling dumb jokes. John McCLAIN who is a music executive is one of the executors. I thought I’d give your eyeballs a jump.

The details of the trust are not public, but apparently the money goes to Katherine, his kids and various charities.

And in more Michael news, KTLA says that he will not be buried at Neverland. There’s currently a law that forbids burials on private property. Gov. Schwarzenegger is trying to help the family get around the law, but so far no dice. Also, the planned public viewing at Neverland on Friday or Saturday might not happen after all. Santa Barbara County officials have yet to confirm that it’s happening.

By the way, I must have that sweater in the picture above. I’ll be making my own version tonight using an old sweatshirt and metal push pins from Rite-Aid.

This Bitch Is Dedicated

You know Marilyn Manson ordered Evan Rachel Wood to scour the vintage stores and replicate Dita Von Teese’s outfit or else! If she doesn’t do it, she’ll have to sleep in the coffin again.

Here’s Dita looking like Lovey Howell as she tried to avoid the sun at the Coachella yesterday.

Dita recently said that she does whatever it takes to keep her baby powder skin from getting tan. She said, “I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it. I pack vitamins to stop the sun doing anything to me. Some foods accelerate tanning, so I’m very careful about what I eat.” Damn. The woman has dedication. I get up, go piss, put on some sweats and call it a day. Dita probably spends 2 hours picking her outfit and then another 2 hours picking out shit to eat that won’t tan her skin.

Below are some other twats at Coachella including Sienna Miller, Kelly Osbourne, Kimbo Stewart and Melanie Griffith. They don’t hold a candle to Dita’s glamour!

Is it just me or does Melanie look like she’s suffering from cokey mouth?