The Bling Ring Movie Brought Parasite Hilton To Tears

Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky’s coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.

At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn’t cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.

“I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”

(“Now you know how we feel, bitch!” said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky’s crusty chocha cave of doom)

When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn’t know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, “Yeah, bitch.”

Maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic or because I’ve been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we’ve all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.

Here’s Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.

Brooke Mueller Doesn’t Want To Lose Her Child…..Support Checks

While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards’ arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller’s house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule’s schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn’t want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie’s lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke’s scheme. Brooke’s lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.

TMZ’s source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn’t want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.

Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let’s see…. The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There’s clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn’t hand over $55,000 every month, she’ll text her this picture every morning:

Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise’s only response would be, “What’s your account and routing number?”

And here’s pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.

A Woman Who Has Never Met Reese Witherspoon Thinks That She Needs To Go To Rehab

If you looked at the picture on the left and though to yourself, “Mmmmm, those tortilla chips on the floor look delicious,” then you and me are the same and we’re both disgusting because eating tortilla chips off the floor is nasty. If you looked at the picture on the left again and thought to yourself, “Now, that is the face of a scheming, gold digging whore pit viper,” then you’re right!

The beautiful bride on the left is Reese Witherspoon’s stepmother Tricianne Taylor (no lie, Tricianne is a hot name) and she married John Witherspoon last year when he was still married to Reese’s mother Betty Witherspoon. Shortly after the wedding, Betty sued both Tricianne and John for bigamy. John has early-onset dementia and claimed that he doesn’t even know Tricianne and doesn’t remember marrying her. John and Tricianne are still married and even though she’s never met Reese Witherspoon, she’s still scooting skid marks all over Laura Jeanne Poon’s image for a quick check.

Tricianne tells The National Enquirer (via Radar) that she’s not exactly surprised that Reese was a disrespectful twat to a cop, because she’s treated her own father the same way. As Tricianne counted the crisp one hundred dollar bills that the Enquirer gave her, she said that Reese was such a bitch to John that he almost didn’t walk his daughter down the aisle.

“She was so awful and disrespectful to her father. Reese shows very little respect to her father, and he’s been ostracized by her because she’s so angry that he married me. Based on Reese’s behavior in those police videos following her recent arrest, I believe she has a serious drinking problem and needs to get professional help.”

The Enquirer adds that Trashy Anne Taylor wants $100,000 to expose all of Reese’s secrets.

See, this is how I know that there’s something really wrong with me. Trashy Anne sounds like a conniving, money-grubbing whore leech and John Witherspoon should’ve channeled Nancy Sinatra and put on those white boots to walk, far, far away from her, but I’m still reading her words and thinking to myself, “She’s kind of hot.” Trashy Anne is shameless, crazy and an overall mess. She’s just my type.

But seriously, I love how she’s diagnosing Reese even though she’s never met her. I’ve never met Reese before and I’ve called her crazy, but I’ve never said she needs to go to rehab. But if that’s what it takes to get a quick stack of hundreds from the Enquirer, then let me be the second to say: I’ve never met Reese Witherspoon, but she needs help!

A Laura Ashley Night Terror Come To Life

Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour’s ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was “punk,” because the Costume Institute’s exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!

I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of “punk.” It’s “romantic punk.” BITCH, my chihuahua’s swollen anal gland (I’m taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don’t worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should’ve thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone’s abuelita’s sofa.

She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim’s look is a grandma sitting on top of her.

Kanye’s alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!

An AMERICAN CITIZEN In Cuffs: Part 4

TMZ just keeps the dash cam hits coming and here’s the grand finale (I think) of Reese Witherspoon, AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!, getting arrested by a cop while saying whatever she wants to on free ground, because she’s AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!

The clip starts out with Reese telling the officer that her name is Reese Witherspoon and this is about to be national news. My favorite part is when she goes, “Absolutely, you told me not to get out of the car and I said, to you ‘I DIS.AGREE.’” If my drunk ass got out of a car and sassed an officer like that, I’d be eating the ground he has jurisdiction over.

Reese then gets into the back of the cop car and her drunk driving husband Jim Toth manages to be the voice of reason. Jim tells her that she’s making it worse and she just needs to stop. Shut up, Jim! You don’t have jurisdiction over Reese’s vocal cords and she’s an American citizen who can say whatever she wants on free ground! Besides if Reese did shut up, she wouldn’t have barfed out ridiculous shit nugget after ridiculous shit nugget and made my week complete.

And Here’s Reese Witherspoon’s Most Hilarious Performance Ever

To sort of quote Reese Witherspoon in this dashboard cam video from the night she was arrested for being a drunken, annoying twat, “This is beyond BEYOND….HILARIOUS!” 

The footage from the dashboard cab of Reese and her husband Jim Toth getting arrested magically landed in TMZ’s lap and they posted three videos of her shouting out priceless lines like, “I am an American citzen!” and “You’re about to find out who I am!” THIS TRASHY BITCH pulling rank! Who the hell does she think she is? Randy from South Park?

The cherry on top of this drunken, red wine-infused sundae is Jim, standing there all quiet-like, wishing he had the power to disappear. Then Jim delivers the real punchline: “I had nothing to do with that.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These two drunk messes should take their act on the road. Only neither of them should drive. Jim seems like the type who speaks a maximum of 20 words a day and he uses seven words daily to say “I had nothing to do with that” to everybody that Reese is bitchy to.

And here’s Reese telling the cop that she needs to use the bathroom, because she’s knocked up. I guess we now know that when Laura Jeanne Poon gets drunk, her twang comes out.

And finally, here’s Jim trying to blow blow blow blow blow blow for the cop.

If Reese and Jim would’ve put their heads together and blown blown blown blown blown the cop, they wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

Jim pleaded guilty to DUI today and Reese pleaded no contest. Jim won’t go to jail, but he will have to perform 40 hours of community service. Reese has to pay a $213 fine and that’s it. I was going to say that now that night is behind them, but that’s not completely true, because these beautiful videos will live on forever and beyond.