Now, I try to avoid sporting events starring children at all costs, because it brings together three things I don’t want to be around: sports, competing children, and batshit insane overbearing parents. But this story has made me change my mind, because I didn’t know until this video came along that my new favorite pastime is watching moronic parents teach their children that the way to handle something that doesn’t go their way is to throw punches. And this children’s baseball brawl featured a pregnant woman wielding a baseball bat. Welcome to Lakewood Youth Baseball League’s half-time show: Jerry Springer Live!
I learned firsthand that some parents of sports kids are a wreck when I went to the kiddie hockey game of a family member’s kid, and sat there, minding my own business, sipping from a pink Vitaminwater bottle filled with ro-zay. As I did that, alpha hockey mom Vicky (I’m sure her name was Vicky) stomped up to me in her pink UGGs and said in a sarcastically fake sweet tone, “That’s my usual seat, but it’s okay,” before stomping away. Vicky was right, because I then realized that I was sitting in a Game of Thrones-style throne made of hockey sticks with the words Queen Vicky spelled out in hockey pucks above me. Queen Vicky later got into a screaming match with parents from the other side over a call. But Queen Vicky is going to need to get wilder if she wants to compete in the big leagues of messy sports parents, because there’s lunatic parents who will risk spending their weekend in a jail cell over a call made by a 13-year-old at a kiddie baseball game.
CNN reports that on Saturday, a youth baseball game (Little League wants you to know that they had nothing to do with this shit) in Lakewood, CO turned into the saddest MMA team fight ever when a fight broke out after parents and coaches argued with the 13-year-old umpire about how many players were allowed on each team. That led to an all-out brawl on the field at Westgate Elementary School.
As they shook their head at the tragic ridiculousness of it all, the Lakewood Police Department posted a clip of the fight on their Facebook page. It’s best to watch it while listening to Hero by Mariah Carey since these parents are obviously perfect heroes and role models to their children.
Shout out to blondie in the tube top delivering a devastating flying punch onto a dude.
On Saturday, June 15th LPD was called to the baseball fields at 8550 W Vassar Dr. for reports of a large fight during a youth baseball game. These coaches and parents, unhappy with a baseball game involving 7 year olds and a 13-year-old umpire, took over the field and began assaulting each other. We're looking for any information on this melee, but in particular the identity of the suspect in the white shirt and teal shorts. Several people have already been cited in this fight and several injuries were reported.
Posted by Lakewood Police Department on Tuesday, June 18, 2019
And because this mess wasn’t already a big enough Jerry Springer episode, it really became a Jerry Springer episode when one woman, who either has a stage 4 CASE OF THE BABIES or did what I would do at a children’s baseball game and swallowed an entire keg of beer to get through it, grabbed a bat and waved it around while shouting, “I don’t give a fuck!” before a guy grabbed it, which ended with him getting jumped. via TMZ
Not seen in that video: that lady’s unborn baby saying, “Well, I do give a fuck,” while frantically trying to tap out of that fight.
Police showed up and citations for disorderly conducted were made. Some parents could face child abuse charges for putting their kids in danger, and one man could get hit with assault charges for seriously punching another man. A rep for the Lakewood Police Department said this about the biggest disgusting mess to hit Lakewood since the one I made in the bathroom at Casa Bonita after eating there.
“We were disgusted, quite frankly. Baseball and 7-year-old kids, it’s the parents that need to grow up here. That’s the saddest part. These are parents and coaches, people they’re supposed to look up to. People that are supposed to be mentors, and this type of thing happens.”
If only these parents and coaches cared as much about being a good example to their children as they do about a call made by a 13-year-old at a children’s baseball game. Priorities: they got theirs in order!
But imagine giving that much of a fuck about a kids’ baseball game that you’re willing to end up in handcuffs over it? Weirdos. If I was a parent there, I wouldn’t even notice the call made by the teenage umpire, because I’d be too busy going through my Instagram while listening to a Jackie Collins book on Audible as I waited for the Postmates delivery person to bring the tiny cans of wine and Popeye’s chicken I ordered.