Joe Jonas Is Not Giving Ashley Greene Anything To Work With

Ashley Greene celebrated her 24th birthday at Pure in Las Vegas on Saturday night and was surrounded by a sugary rainbow of sweet confections that made every hole in the room beg for a cavity search. And I’m not talking about that Candy Land mess of a cake. Joe Jonas was at Ashley’s side for her party and she was on him like a fly on a sugar dipped cherry, and he was on her like….well…like dignity on a Lohan. Joe is keeping his hands at his side like Ashley is a beard made of vagina hairs.

Can’t Joe give Ashley something to work with?! At least she’s trying to hang on him like his dick is not letting out a “meh” from being that close to girl cooch. I mean, Ashley even tried to slap away the gay rumors by telling People that Joe doesn’t know the difference between “vintage Coach” and Chanel. Bead, please:

At her 24th birthday celebration at Las Vegas’s Pure Nightclub on Saturday, the Twilight beauty donned a form-fitting black cocktail dress and sported a gold Chanel charm bracelet on her right wrist. The latter was a gift from Jonas.

“The funny thing about it is when I got it, my boyfriend said it’s vintage Coach – and I was like ‘Thanks so much.’ And then I put it on and was like, ‘Oh my god, this is Chanel,’ ” Greene said, letting out a scream.

“It was very cute and sweet and adorable to me because my boyfriend gave it to me,” she said. “Coach, Chanel, [it] makes no difference to him … [But] I absolutely love it because he knows what I like.”

Let’s hope that Chanel charm bracelet had a Chanel key on it that opened a Chanel box to a Chanel vibrator, because that’s the only way Ashley was going to have a birthday orgasm at the end of the night. But really, Ashley went a little too far with the “vintage Coach” shit. “Vintage Coach” is just a fancy way of saying “Coach bought from the bottom of a clearance bin at Filene’s Basement.” And there’s no way Joe would ever strut his shit through a Filene’s Basement.

Ashley Greene And Joe Jonas Are Still Doing This

Not to be outdone by Taylor Swift and Jakey Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas and his face merkin of the moment Ashley Greene held hands while making their way into The Lion restaurant in NYC last night. The only real problem I have with this relationship is that it seems like as soon as Joe Jonas welcomed Ashley into his life with a simple signature on a contract, his jeans have gotten baggier and baggier. Joe’s jeans used to be so tight that you could practically hear its threads screaming for mercy with every strut he took. Joe’s jeans used to be so tight that you could perfectly see if his butt cheek was Tajazzled or not. And now look at this shit! Ashley is CHANGING HIM!

Joe’s jeans are quickly going from “sucking on to his ass as though his b-hole is the portal to denim heaven” to almost hitting the ground. It won’t be long before Joe’s jeans are sliding down his bubble butt. Although…..now that I think about it, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Then Joe can take his sweet sexiness to the next level by working one of those new saggy pants garter belts:

Yeah, forget everything I said about his jeans not being tight enough. Sag faster, Joe!

Joe Jonas Stops For Peen

Sometimes it’s really the little things in life, or in this case the little circumcised HARD things. CallUsFreaks (via ONTD) posted this priceless picture of Joe Jonas getting closer to a fertility statute in the duty free shop of some airport while Ashley Greene was outside trying to flag down a few paps, or something. You know, when you’re walking through a duty free shop and your eyes land on a stone dick, it is your obligation to tickle its nuts while dry banging your culo with the other hand. It just is, so Joe Jonas is totally following protocol.

And here’s a few pictures of Ashley and Joe strolling through LAX yesterday. You know Joe is totally thinking about the duty free fertility statue he shared an intimate moment with. Hey, whatever gets you through a photo-op.

Ashley Greene Is Always To Blame!

As your ass already knows, one of Mickey Mouse’s prized pieces 18-year-old Demi Lovatooooooo is in a treatment center to deal with “emotional and physical issues.” This we know. Some others things we know is that there’s a dozen blind items that suggest the inside of Demi’s nose looks like the Snow Miser’s lair and that she might be a cutter and that she was bullied in a bad way in school. Well, a source tells E! News that the latter two are among the issues she’s trying to work out in treatment.

Demi has openly talked about how she left junior high school to be home schooled, because a group of bullies kept shitting all over her life. The source says this is what led to Demi cutting herself. And if this isn’t after school special enough for you, the source also added that Demi suffers from bulimia.

Demi was sort of able to hold everything together with an extra-thin rubber band, but apparently that shit ripped apart at an airport in Peru this past Saturday. Demi was in the middle of the South American leg of her tour with the Jonas Bros. when she delivered a meltdown worthy of a very special episode of Full House. Demi got into it with a back-up dancer and then she went after Joe Jonas’ newest beard Ashley Greene. A source explains, “She just lost it right at the airport in front of everyone. The [Jonases’] dad basically said right there, ‘That’s it. You’re going home.’ ”

That Ashley Greene is totally that popular cunt from hell in junior high school who came up to me and asked what I was wearing to the winter dance since she didn’t want to show up in the same dress as me. Fucking bitch. The sad part is, I actually laughed and wanted to give her a slow cap for getting me good. But seriously, I knew Ashley was the prickly cunt who broke the Disney ho’s back!

Demi just needs to look into the mirror and tell herself that while she has a pair of thick eyebrows that could moisten a dehydrated Sharpie, her haters got a thirsty brow area that looks like a Chia pet that has been left in the sun too long. And at the end of the day, brows all that matters. This lady gets it.