Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”

Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?

If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.

If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)

Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.

Pics: Splash

NYC’s most avant-garde subway performance artist (that job description just made James Franco fart out a cloud of hot jealousy) Kalan Sherrard!

What could be making Kalan Sherrard’s face turn into a beam of happiness in his mug shot? Did he get arrested for trying to smuggle a ton of meth in his ass and just as the officers pulled out the bad shit, some of it leaked in his butt? Is he really happy to be arrested because he finally got to use “The Joker in a mug shot” face he’s been practicing for years? Is that happy face totally manufactured and he did it just so he can end up in The Smoking Gun’s mug shot tag?

It’s probably the third one, but I’m just going to tell myself that Kalan’s face looks like a rainbow on speed because he’s filled with joy from swinging around a fake dick in front of the cops at Art Basel in Miami. Nothing brings genuine joy like swinging around a dildo in public. The Miami New Times says that Kalan and his partner Maria Paz Valenzuela are disgusted with how Art Basel has turned into a playground for the really rich and famous who don’t care about art (“Wha? I bought a Monet mousepad, okay?” said Leonardo DiCatchAHo as he dives face first into a lake of naked models) so on Sunday they protested against it. They walked into the Collector’s Lounge and shouted words from BMW’s guide to collecting art while dressed up like Burning Man refugees. When security got to them and ushered them out, they screamed, “Fuck Art Basel!”

Once they got outside, the police took over and when Kalan pulled out a dildo, he was tackled to the ground. The police thought his dildo was a gun. Kalan and Maria were arrested and charged with disturbing the peace (I hate my fingers for not making a Freudian slip by typing “peen” instead of “peace“) and resisting arrest without violence. It was the second time in one week they were arrested. They were arrested last Thursday by Miami police for disorderly conduct.

After his release, Kalan told The New Times that he knows he would’ve been shot dead if he was in a “darker body.” He also continued to spit out anti-wealth and anti-art-world words.

Here’s the video of Kalan and Maria getting arrested:

So they arrest a dude waving a dildo around yet dildo (see: Parasite Hilton) after dildo (see: Dan Bilzerian) are let into Art Basel? That’s selective dildo discrimination! This news is also pretty upsetting to me, because I thought I knew Florida. If you can’t wave a dildo around in Florida, where can you wave a dildo around? (Answer: The Scientology Celebrity Centre since the dildo is their official flag.)

The dude at the 1:54 mark in the video gets a HSOTD honorable mention for asking “Is that art?” while watching the cops take Kalan away. It’s all HIGH ART!

Keebler Magic Middles! 

In the late 80s, the Keebler elves (aka the shifty elves who secretly worked for the Diabetes medicine industry) gave humanity what we really wanted: a chocolate chip cookie with a fudge injection. So many scat queen jokes, so little time. Magic Middles were really popular, because who doesn’t like to bite into a delicious cookie filled with cookie poop? I didn’t even know that we were living in a world without Magic Middles until the other day when I was browsing the cookie section at Target (Note: You can usually find me in the cookie section at Target).

Magic Middles came on my mind and I looked for them at Target, but couldn’t find them. A quick Google search told me that Keebler sent them to the cookie graveyard a long time ago. Some people say that Magic Middles are back and they’ve seen them at the grocery store and others say that the closest thing to Magic Middles that Keebler has out right now are Cheesecake Middles. Cheesecake Middles do nothing for me, but it’s the perfect cookie for a Golden Girl on the go.

When I’m in the cookie section at Target again today, I’ll look for Magic Middles. If I can’t find them, I’ll just get a bottle of Hershey’s syrup, a box of shortbread cookies and a turkey baster. I’ll make it happen.

And here’s the commercial:

“So he’s not the frontman for a fudge smuggling operation?” That elf was the Bruno Knight of cookie-baking elves.

Captain Hook’s jacked-up, fuck effort chola eyebrow situation from last night’s Peter Pan Live. There’s supposed to be an exclamation point after Live, but I can’t do it, because that boring mess was no exclamation point.

Peter Pan the musical is already weird. A grown woman dresses up like a teenage boy, breaks into a house at night and sprinkles “pixie dust” on the children (read: drugs them) before taking them up, up, and away. Some may call that a charming, family-friendly musical. I call that an episode of To Catch A Predator. I kept waiting for the dog to stand up, zip itself out of its costume and reveal it’s really Chris Hansen who has gone undercover to bust “Peter Pan.” So that shit is already weird, but NBC upped the WTFness by adding a Lisa Frank alligator on acid, a bunch of hot gay pirates who were dressed up like the Real Housewives going horseback riding, Tiger Lily looking like the worst dressed trick at Coachella (Vanessa Hudgens should’ve been her stylist), a chorus of bossy bottoms (aka The Lost Boys), Smee’s weird fabric tattoos, a dead maid, too much Melissa Joan Hart and a pathetic sword fight that needed a major injection of Viagra. That sword fight was like two soft peens slapping together. And Wendy! When I wasn’t screaming, “SOMEBODY FALL!!!”, I was screaming, “Get over it, Wendy!”

Wendy was so damn hard-up and she couldn’t take a damn hint. She’s the Jennifer Aniston of that story. Chick had no clue. Either Peter Pan isn’t a lesbian or Peter Pan just isn’t into her. I mean, that “gift” from Peter Pan was a huge hint. Who swoons over a Dollar Tree clearance bin, cheap comb that Peter obviously found in the gutter. I thought her and Tiger Lily were going to get together, because there was obviously a lot of sexual tension there.

Overall, it wasn’t the train wreck I thought it was going to be. Allison Williams played Peter Pan exactly the way you’d expect her to play it. It was mostly a long, boring train ride that didn’t seem to end. But there was two bright spots of intense fuckery:

Christopher Walken and his faded Sharpie brows!

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I know, that should be a picture of Phoebe Price and Angelyne. Maybe the Bond producers will get it right one day.

Nearly everything about the 24th Bond movie was announced at a press conference at Pinewood Studios in London this morning. I say “nearly,” because they didn’t say who’s doing the theme song. The rumor is that it’s going to be Sam Smith, but I’d bet my weed money that it’s going to be Majela ZeZe Diamond. 2015 will finally be her year.

Bond producer Barbara Broccoli (who is my favorite producer because she has a name like a VeggieTales character) and director Sam Mendes announced that the newest Bond movie will be called Spectre and it will be released on November 6, 2015. Shooting will start on Monday and they’ll shoot in London, Mexico City, the Austrian Alps and Morocco. Bond’s car of choice will be the Aston Martin DB10. Daniel Craig will of course be back as Bond and joining his ass again will be Naomie Harris as Eve, Ben Wishaw as Q and Ralph Fineass as the new M. The Bond newbies are Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, Andrew Scott from Sherlock and Dave Bautista.

Some tricks said that Andrew Scott will play the villain, but that might not be true. It was announced that Andrew Scott will be an M15 agent. Christoph Waltz is probably playing Bond’s arch rival Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Of course Christoph Waltz is the villain. He’s a Bond villain in real life. He’s also like Joan Collins. Joan Collins can never play poor just like Christoph Waltz can never play good. Dave Bautista is playing some henchman and the Bond girls will be Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. The Daily Mail points out that at 50 years old, Monica Bellucci is the most seasoned Bond girl of all time. STAINS’ hunky British human cousin Daniel Craig is 46.

The role is especially poignant for the actress – she almost played Paris Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies in 1997, only to lose out on the role to Teri Hatcher.

The raven-haired beauty – who will play Lucia Sciarra – said: ‘James Bond is our fantasy – the ideal man. The man is a protector, he is dangerous, mysterious and sexy, and a perfect English gentleman.

Monica Bellucci is 50. SHE’S FIF-TEE! I’m guessing that Spectre is about Bond’s search for the kind of virgin blood that Lucia Sciarra smears on her face. But more importantly, what happened in 1996? Was there some kind of gas leak in the offices of the Bond producers that caused them to go crazy in the brains and cast Teri Hatcher over Monica Bellucci? At least Monica’s time has finally come. I’ll say what you say to yourself when your drunk piece finally busts one after 45 minutes of you giving him a hand job: Better late than never!

Pics: Wenn.com

Awww, it’s always a special relationship moment when you go from “secret husband” to “not-so-secret husband”. Take it all in, Romaine Dauriac! Last night, Scarlett Johansson attended the Gotham Independent Film Awards in NYC, and she brought her brand-new no-longer-secret secret fancy French husband Romaine Lettuce. People says that for the first time since they got secret hitched, ScarJo was introducing him as her “my husband”, as opposed to “the French dude who barebacked a bébé into me”, which is what I assume she used to introduce him as.

In case you’re anything like me (don’t ever admit that out loud, for your sake), I’m sure you’ve been dyyying to know more about ScarJo and Romaine Lettuce’s secret wedding. Thankfully, ScarJo hangs around with some Level-8 blabbermouths who have been spilling the details. According to People, ScarJo and Lettuce tied the knot on October 1st in Philipsburg, Montana. I don’t know anything about Philipsburg, but from what I can tell on Google Maps, it’s about a 2 hour drive to the closest Taco Bell (and really, that’s all I need to know).

But back to the Gotham Awards. ScarJo was nominated for Best Actress for Under the Skin, but lost out to Julianne Moore for Still Alice. Other winners included Original Recipe Batman Michael Keaton for Birdman, and Tilda Swinton, who got some kind of lifetime alien human tribute award for being Tilda Swinton, I guess.

Here’s more of ScarJo at the Gothies working some greasy teenage dirtbag boy hair, for some reason, as well as Jon Hamm looking foiiiiine as hell (“DUH!” screamed everyone with a working pair of eyes), Jakey G, and Uma Thurman looking like a fancy upper-class witch:

Pics: Splash