And here’s Posh Beckham and Sienna Miller at the London Evening Standard Awards showing you what you look like when the party starts and what you look like 7 drinks later – Lainey Gossip

FYI: Anthony Kiedis’ new piece wasn’t even a jizz fish in her daddy’s nutsack when Blood Sugar Sex Magik came out – Celebitchy

Failed gold digger alert: Porsha Williams sucks at being a kept woman – Reality Tea

May the puckering commence, the Glittery Gays of YouTube have finally remade Beyonce’s 7/11 video – Towleroad

Chelsea Handler gave her nipples a break and is showing her ass crack on Instagram now – Drunken Stepfather

Bai Ling is officially the Micaela Shaeffer of Hollywood. That might be the most beautiful sentence I’ve ever had to write – Egotastic!

Someone made a George Lucas special edition trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I don’t really know what those words mean, but I do know that those words have made at least 3 million nerds cry pure tears of joy – The Superficial

St. Angie Jolie is too high arty for Universal – WWTDD

What in Brony meets Hannibal Hell? – Jezebel

You’re going to need an industrial-strength palate cleanser after the above post, so here’s Michael Fassbender’s nipples – OMG Blog

I don’t know how Taylor Swift did it, but she managed to dress like a grandma, a slutty schoolgirl and a chorus member from Chicago all at once – Popoholic

Ashley Parker Angel is still trying to show up Joe Jonas in the “getting half naked for the gays” department – Boy Culture

Freddie Prinze Jr. is learning how to walk again after having spinal surgery – ICYDK

I see that The Ex Girlfriends of Leonardo DiCaprio Club had a meeting recently – Hollywood Tuna

Something is really wrong with this world, because Charo isn’t on the list of the Most Googled Celebrities of 2014 – The Berry

If you need another palate cleanser after burning your eyes on that heave-worthy Brony shit above, here’s Chris Pratt’s nipples – Popsugar

Courtney Love and Lana Del Rey are going on tour together and I’m guessing their tour is sponsored by the country of Colombia and the makers of Vicodin – Just Jared

Idina Menzel really has no idea if a sequel to Frozen is happening, but the sound of Disney executives constantly fapping to the DVD sales of the first one tells me that it’s going to happen  – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

Chinese pop group Wang Rong Rollin’s music video for “Chick Chick”!

Every now and again, China has to let the world know that Japan isn’t the only Asian country that can produce technicolor fuckery of the highest degree. If you’ve ever wondered what kind of hallucinations would appear around you if you dropped acid while playing See ‘N Say Farmer Says, your answer is this beautiful mess of a video. It is filled with more WTFs than Lifetime’s Aaliyah biopic and has given me more life than the #LifetimeBiopics hashtag on Twitter. It’s fuckery food for your brain and its ingredients include 2 cups of feathers from a swan on Ecstasy, 1 heaping tablespoon of cartoon hen tits, a drop of Trace Cyrus’ jizz, a sprinkling of Gangnam Style, a dash of Phoebe Price’s orgasm sounds and 4 teaspoons of George Orwell’s trippiest shroom trip.

Starting your Monday with a video that’s a cross between an Old MacDonald gay twink parody porn and a fever dream from an Andy Warhol knock-off artist is not a bad way to start your Monday.

Even the fox looked at that and said, “The fuck?” We shouldn’t be surprised that magical things come from a pop group called Wang Rong Rollin.

via Neatorama (For Monika, Kevin and Andrea)

Dogs are weird. Some dogs love putting panties in their bellies, other dogs are deathly afraid of flies (see: my fly-hating dog) and then there’s Queso who has a phobia of doorways and will only go ass first through one. Ass first IS a good way to go through life. The video of Queso going butt first through a doorway comes with a slow motion shot and I didn’t really need to see a dog’s ass in slow motion, but at this point anything is better than seeing Kim Kartrashian’s greasy ass again.

Queso’s human says that she’s had him ever since he was a baby dog and he’s always been a scaredy cat trapped in the body of a pit bull:

Queso is afraid of lots of things, like the kitchen floor, the printer, and especially doorways. But Queso is a survivor! He deals with his fear of walking into a room (terrifying!) by walking in backwards.

I’m sure there’s a million theories for why Queso lets his ass walk into a room before he does. (“Queso and me are one, because I let Ashton Kutcher walk into a room before me too!” – Mila Kunis) I’m going to guess that Queso is proud of his moonwalk skills and likes to watch himself in the mirror as he does it. Sure, Queso’s moonwalk needs a little work, but it’s better than RiRi’s moonwalk. Then again, a taxidermied sloth’s moonwalk is better than RiRi’s.

I’ve known that the 90s are making a comeback, but now I really know that the 90s are giving us an encore performance, because Eminem rapped out some foolery that’s got people mad. Seen above looking like a plastic Fred Astaire figure melting in the sun at the WSJ Innovator Awards last week, The Real Slim Shady’s name is smeared all over headlines today for freestyle rapping about how he wants to punch Lana Del Rey in the face twice like Ray Rice. In a freestyle video called SHADY CXVPHER, 42-year-old Eminem inducted Llama Del Taco into the Celebrities That Eminem Has Shit On In A Song Club by dribbling out this oh-so-edgy-you-need-special-gloves-to-touch-it lyric (via Billboard):

But I may fight for gay rights, especially if they dyke is more of a knockout than Janay Rice/Play nice? Bitch I’ll punch Lana Del Rey right in the face twice, like Ray Rice in broad daylight in the plain sight of the elevator surveillance/’Til her head is banging on the railing, then celebrate with the Ravens

If you need to see and hear the whole video, here it is below and it includes a bit about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper having butt sex with a tuba.

But back to LDR, some say that The Slim Shady can have a seat in the back, because he’s downplaying domestic violence. Others say that he’s really making fun of Ray Rice and it’s just a joke. And others say that since it’s a freestyle, he’s just trying to be controversial like always and threw together a bunch of words that rhyme. If Eminem really didn’t want to get that much attention and didn’t want to say that he wants to punch out Lana Del Rey, here’s some other options that rhyme with “day“:

– a big pile of hay

– a bitchy manta ray

– lemon puree

– Marv Albert’s toupee

– Michael K

Lana Del Rey hasn’t said anything about this, but two years ago she fangirl’d over Eminem during an interview and in her song Ultraviolence she sings the lyric “he hit me and it felt like a kiss,” which is the title from a Phil Spector-produced song by The Crystals.  LDR probably won’t care, but if she does, then at least she knows that Azealia Banks will mouth punch The Real Slim Shady for her.

Thanks Azealia. Thanks for punching me in the face with the image of Eminem slobbering out a drool stream of Hot Pockets tomato sauce on his sister’s titty.

In case you couldn’t tell from Nick Jonas trying to be the new Marky Mark and flashing everything but his dick at the gay community, he wants to erase the part of your brain that remembers him as one of Mickey Mouse’s G-rated squeaky clean hos who giggled every time someone said the word “vagina” and was saving his holy peen for his good Christian wife. As part of Nick’s never-ending “I Am A Grown Man Who Has Pubes Now” campaign, he gets his fake fuck on in the DirecTV show about MMA fighters called Kingdom. I haven’t seen Kingdom yet, because as far as I know there’s no fuck scenes starring an ass naked Frank Grillo, so until then my nipples and I are not interested.

If you really want to see Nick Jonas hump away his purity ring days, here’s the NSFW 40-second long soft core scene which aired a couple of weeks ago but was passed around recently. DirecTV has been ripping these down left and right, so if that one goes down and you really want to see it, (site NSFW) click here. I Googled “Carrot Top porn look-alike” a few hours ago, so I cannot judge for you wanting to see a JoBro bust out a fake cum face.

While promoting this shit, Nick made it sound like his MMA fighter character loves the dick and is going to come out as gay. If that’s true, that scene makes more sense. It explains why he’s lying there like a water-damaged piece of wood and why his “I’m cuuuuuuuuuming” face looks more like him trying to sneeze out a sneeze that doesn’t want to come out.

I hear you saying to yourself, “But was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton…”

Anybody who watches the diamante-covered silicone turd that is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Kim Richards’ pit bull, Kingsley (seen above screaming “HELP” with his Tiny eyes), is an absolute mess. Like owner, like dog, right? And I say that as the human of a chihuahua who does everything he does like nap for hours on end, sniff ass and twirl when he sees a piece of beef jerky. During one episode, Kim hired dog trainer David Utter to help her control Kingsley and when Kingsley came at him, he did the professional dog training move of trying to kick the dog in the head. (If you’re like me, then that sentence will make you want to watch You Kick My Dog again.) Cesar Milan calls that move the “not calm and not submissive move.”

Kim had a hard time controlling Kingsley, so it’s not exactly shocking that he attacked a human. Two days ago, the basic cable Demi Moore, Kyle Richards, Instagramm’d this picture of her and her daughters having a hospital room slumber party. Kyle said that her 18-year-old daughter Alexia was laid up in the hospital after getting attacked by a vicious dog, to which all of us said, “Okay, which one of those crazy bitches on the Real Housewives went too far this time and attacked a castmate’s child?”

TMZ says that Kingsley is the dog who mauled Alexia’s hand. Over the weekend, Kyle and her daughters were hanging out at Kim’s house when “out of nowhere” Kingsley went Cujo on Alexia. Kingsley bit Alexia’s finger to the bone and she had to have several surgeries. Animal Control was never called and Kingsley is still living at Kim’s house. Animal Services won’t do anything about the attack unless Alexia or another family member reports Kingsley. Kingsley apparently has a file with Animal Services, because he’s attacked several dogs and people including Kim’s friend who had to get attention from paramedics after he bit into her arm.

Never mind that Kim Richards shouldn’t own a half-broken Tamagotchi let alone a living and breathing pit bull, look at Kingsley’s surroundings. Kingsley is surrounded by a bunch of rabid, insane messes who constantly bark and go after each other. They all need to spend time in Victoria Stilwell’s dog training camp. I’m actually surprised that Andy Cohen hasn’t slapped a weave, a chunky rhinestone necklace and a silky blouse on Kingsley and made him a Real Housewife. I’d like to see Brandi Glanville accuse Kingsley of doing meth in the bathroom.

Pic: Instagram,