Behold, The New Bond Girls

December 4, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, that should be a picture of Phoebe Price and Angelyne. Maybe the Bond producers will get it right one day.

Nearly everything about the 24th Bond movie was announced at a press conference at Pinewood Studios in London this morning. I say “nearly,” because they didn’t say who’s doing the theme song. The rumor is that it’s going to be Sam Smith, but I’d bet my weed money that it’s going to be Majela ZeZe Diamond. 2015 will finally be her year.

Bond producer Barbara Broccoli (who is my favorite producer because she has a name like a VeggieTales character) and director Sam Mendes announced that the newest Bond movie will be called Spectre and it will be released on November 6, 2015. Shooting will start on Monday and they’ll shoot in London, Mexico City, the Austrian Alps and Morocco. Bond’s car of choice will be the Aston Martin DB10. Daniel Craig will of course be back as Bond and joining his ass again will be Naomie Harris as Eve, Ben Wishaw as Q and Ralph Fineass as the new M. The Bond newbies are Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, Andrew Scott from Sherlock and Dave Bautista.

Some tricks said that Andrew Scott will play the villain, but that might not be true. It was announced that Andrew Scott will be an M15 agent. Christoph Waltz is probably playing Bond’s arch rival Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Of course Christoph Waltz is the villain. He’s a Bond villain in real life. He’s also like Joan Collins. Joan Collins can never play poor just like Christoph Waltz can never play good. Dave Bautista is playing some henchman and the Bond girls will be Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. The Daily Mail points out that at 50 years old, Monica Bellucci is the most seasoned Bond girl of all time. STAINS’ hunky British human cousin Daniel Craig is 46.

The role is especially poignant for the actress – she almost played Paris Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies in 1997, only to lose out on the role to Teri Hatcher.

The raven-haired beauty – who will play Lucia Sciarra – said: ‘James Bond is our fantasy – the ideal man. The man is a protector, he is dangerous, mysterious and sexy, and a perfect English gentleman.

Monica Bellucci is 50. SHE’S FIF-TEE! I’m guessing that Spectre is about Bond’s search for the kind of virgin blood that Lucia Sciarra smears on her face. But more importantly, what happened in 1996? Was there some kind of gas leak in the offices of the Bond producers that caused them to go crazy in the brains and cast Teri Hatcher over Monica Bellucci? At least Monica’s time has finally come. I’ll say what you say to yourself when your drunk piece finally busts one after 45 minutes of you giving him a hand job: Better late than never!


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