Gobblestix!

Dlisted reader Andrew wrote me the other day and asked me if I’ve ever had something called Gobblestix. Gobblestix was a new one to me. Since my brain tissue is shaped like a peen, I immediately thought he was threatening me with a good time and made a note to add “Have you ever had a Gobblestix?” to my list of Grindr pick-up lines. But Andrew was talking about a processed turkey parts stick from the 90s called Gobblestix. I used my journalistic skills to find as much information about Gobblestix as possible (read: I did a 4 second Google search) and I couldn’t find much.

They were put out by the Jennie-O Turkey Store (who later merged with Whoremel) in the 90s and lasted a few years. They came in flavors like cheese, pizza and honey. I guess they were supposed to be the new string cheese, but that didn’t really happen. I’d like to think that I’m an 80s and 90s snack connoisseur, but I don’t remember these at all. Either Gobblestix never made their way to Southern California or I blocked that memory out.

But I’m glad I know about them now. Because the next time I’m eating an uncooked turkey dog and someone throws me a judgmental look of disgust, I can say, “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not a raw hot dog. It’s a Gobblestix! Educate yourself.”

Here’s the commercial which couldn’t be more 90s if it featured Clarissa Darling shooting Blossom with a Super Soaker.

Those burp sounds really sell it.

So far, the Sony Hack has been mostly fun, games, fuckery, saint-bashing, Leo-trashing and Channing Tatum going full Channing Tatum. But the Sony Hack just made a sharp left turn onto the Shit Got Real expressway. Deadline says that a threatening note that is believed to have come from the hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, was released today and in it, they say that some not-so-peaceful shit will happen in theaters showing The Interview on its opening day, December 25th. DAMN. They really don’t want people to see The Interview. If they want to keep people from seeing that shit in theaters, they should just email everyone a link to the trailer, because that’s what convinced me that I can’t watch that movie unless I’m lying on my own couch with a vaporizer straw shoved in my mouth.

The hackers recently promised a “Christmas surprise” and Deadline’s “sources” figured that meant they’re planning to leak The Interview in full on the Internet to keep people from paying to see it in theaters. But according to their threat, their “Christmas surprise” is a zillion times more disturbing.

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

THE SONY!

North Korea has already denied being involved in the hack. That note reads like I’m supposed to think it was written by someone who wants us to believe it was written by a North Korean using Google translate. Are they pulling some reverse psychology shit on us?

I can’t believe this is over a stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I was going to say that this could be some elaborate publicity stunt from Sony and STUNT QUEEN master general James Franco, but if it was there’d be a lot more leaked emails saying that he’s the greatest actor and artiste of our generation. There’d also be a lot more leaked pictures of him being naked with Seth Rogen, because he can’t get enough of that.

UPDATE: Seth Rogen and James Franco have canceled all of the press they were supposed to do this week for The Interview. Also, Homeland Security said that the threat isn’t credible.

Meanwhile in an office tower in the 7th circle of Hell, an already-overworked Satan is buzzing for his secretary, Leona Helmsley, to bring him two Extra-Strength Tylenols and a new Kardashian Kontract. “What are we at now – 14? 15? They just keep spawning! I need a drink.”

Congratulations are in order for Pimp Mama Kris, as she has become a GRANDMOTHER (you know she totally hates that word) for the fourth time. UsWeekly says that Kim’s pseudo-hipster sister Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her third child with real-life 80s high school movie villain Scott Disick yesterday in Los Angeles. Kourtney and Scott welcomed a baby boy, but nothing else is known, because they’re very private people and want to keep it to themselves. Just kidding! They’re probably saving it for whichever magazine sends them the check with the most zeros on the end. “Thank you, Carp-Talk!” shouts Pimp Mama Kris.

Kourtney and Scott already have a 5-year-son named Mason Dash (new baby was actually born on Mason’s birthday) and a 2-year-old daughter named Penelope Scotland, and I have no idea if they’re going to try to incorporate their names into the third baby’s name as well. But in the event they don’t, I’m sure Scott is pushing for something super douchey, like “Money Rolex” or “Cash First Class” or just a bunch of dollar signs.

But there is someone I feel sorry for in all of this, and no, it’s not the baby who has to look into the terrifying rubber face of Auntie Kim. It’s Mason! Sharing a birthday is THE WOOOORST, but sharing it with your own brother? What a bummer. If I were that kid, I’d call up Unky Rob (he ain’t doing anything) and ask him to drive me to wherever you go to get your birth date changed. “While you’re there, wanna pick me up a couple emancipation forms?” shouted North West the second she realized her mom just cropped her out of an Instagram selfie.

Carol Decker, the Tiffany of the British pop rock scene and front woman of T’Pau!

Carol Decker deserves HSOTD for the sole fact that she once wore a black shower puff on her teased nest of ginger fabulousness to a Christmas party in the 80s (evidence: picture above). But Carol Decker is so much more than a hair icon. T’Pau (who was obviously named after the hot Vulcan high priestess with a next level eyebrow situation) had a few hits in the UK in the 80s and their biggest US hit was “Heart and Soul,” the song from 1987 that makes you want to screw a blue light bulb into your bedroom lamp and point the fan at you before you sway in the breezes. “Heart and Soul” went all the way to #4 on Billboard Hot 100. Their next singles “China In Your Hand” and “Valentine” didn’t take over the ears of Americans the way that “Heart and Soul” did, but they were hits in the UK.

After their debut album, T’Pau released two more albums before breaking up in 1991. In 1998, Carol Decker brought T’Pau back with new members and they released a fourth album. Carol and T’Pau original member (and her ex-boyfriend) Ronnie Rogers reunited last year for a 25th anniversary reunion tour. T’Pau still tours in the UK  today and according to Carol’s Twitter page, they’re releasing a new album called “Pleasure and Pain” next month.

Here’s hoping that their new album brings them to the US because my 8-year-old self needs to see Carol deliver the smooth rap ballad “Heart and Soul” live and in person.

And those angel harp earrings should be in a museum.

Benjamin, the orphaned pygmy goat who has pranced into the hearts of millions.

I know, I don’t know why I picked a screen shot where it looks like Benjamin’s saying, “What up, vato.” I’d like to think that he’s saying, “Keep ya head up!” Because Benjamin hasn’t let getting abandoned by his mom keep him down.

Just hours after Benjamin started breathing the Earth’s oxygen for the first time, his biological mama je’e hit the road and let him live his life on his own, because she was unable to feed him. According to the 3 second Google search I did, sometimes mom goats can’t nurse their kids because their chichis won’t produce leche or their kid can’t suck on their nipple right. Tom Horsfield (Side note: I wish Whores Fields was my last name), who runs the Pot House Hamlet estate in Yorkshire (Second side note: I wish my last name was Whores Field and I wish lived on an estate called Pot House), took Benjamin in.

For the past few weeks, Tom has been Benjamin’s daddy and has done everything for him from bottle feeding him and taking him for walks. Pot House Hamlet is a tourist attraction in Yorkshire, so Benjamin has become a breakout star with visitors. Benjamin lives in the house now, but Daddy Whores Field will release him into the fields with the other goats when he becomes a grown up goat.

Metro also says that the original video of Benjamin sucking on a bottle and frolicking around got over 30 million views, because this is the Internet.

It’s Friday, so all you Mon-Fri workers should be doing the happy strut that Benjamin’s busting out. He’s prancing the way a 9-year-old me pranced on Christmas morning after “Santa” brought me a Pogo Ball.

If Pepé Le Pew lived in real life and died, he would be reincarnated into Sam the Rottweiler. If Penelope Pussycat lived in real life and died, she would be reincarnated into Aaron the grey puss. Because Sam has nothing but gallons of love to lick on Aaron and Aaron is barely tolerating that dog. I haven’t seen a pussy that unimpressed and annoyed since the Fred Durst sex tape.

No, Aaron, who should really change his name to George, is just unsure of their love. Aaron goes back and forth between “Yes, git that spot” to wondering how long before Sam runs out of saliva, because he’s over this love fest and really wants to take a nap in the bathroom sink by himself. If Princess Charlene of Monaco watched this, it would probably remind her a lot of her wedding night.

Yup, that video is definitely more thrilling than Eaten Alive.

Aaron probably hasn’t fully given his love to Sam, because he’s not sure if Sam is loving on him or just marinating him with saliva.

And I just wrote a post about a Rottweiler licking a cat. That’s about as good as my life is going to get.

via HuffPo