Open Post: Hosted By Australian Entrepreneur Geoffrey Edelsten And His Stunningly Demure Fiancée
Anybody who regularly reads this mess of a blog knows that 71-year-old bankrupt businessman Geoffrey Edelsten is an expert whorticulturist whose greatest skill in life is plucking and marrying the most delicate and genteel roses from the American section of the gold digger garden. My popped black balloon of a soul deflated all the way earlier this year when he and his gorgeous former HSOTD wife Brynne Edelsten broke up. But my soul filled up again when a few seconds later he found love with 25-year-old American model/performance artiste Gabi Grecko.
Even though Geoffrey is supposedly broke now (“Uh huh” said a banker in the Caymans), he and Gabi are still together and yesterday they showed up to the Melbourne Cup looking like this. I don’t know if Australia has Daylight Savings Time (and as always, I’m too lazy to Google or ask a friend), but if they do, then Geoffrey and Gabi must’ve gotten confused and set their clocks back a few days. Because messes obviously thought it was Halloween. Geoffrey looks like a Dick Tracy villain who goes by the name The Pissah and Gabi looks like an abandoned circus fairground that’s now home to a bunch of wild turkeys on meth. Those glitter brows are doing things to me, but other than that, trick needs less American Horror Story: Freak Show in her life.
Since Geoffrey Edelsten is not one to miss out on an opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he proposed to Gabi with a heart-shaped diamond ring during the Melbourne Cup yesterday. The image of true love is a 71-year-old disgraced businessman proposing to his 25-year-old girlfriend of a few months at a public event while he looks like a fancy piss stain and she looks like Clown Hawk Stripper Girl, Marvel’s least popular superhero who only works when one of the Avengers gets sick and none of their standbys are available. She’s the last superhero on the Avengers on-call list.
But whatever, like these two give a shit what I think about their messy outfits. They are in love, engaged and will be together forever or until Gabi finds out that Geoffrey’s really broke and has to pawn off that ring to buy a ticket back to the US.
There’s more pictures of these two lovebirds below and I also threw in pictures of Basement Baby looking like she’s wearing a maternity business suit made out of bathroom tile.
Pics: Splash
Taylor Swift Just Yanked All Her Music Off Spotify
Even though Taylor Swift is richer than Jesus, The Monopoly Man, and Scrooge McDuck combined, AND makes a million dollars every time she’s photographed walking out of her apartment looking like a limited edition My Size American Girl doll (I’m assuming she gets paid for that shit), AND just announced she’s going on tour, which means she’ll be stuffing even more dollar bills into her retro high-waisted shorts, AND the fact that her album 1989 has already gone triple-rhodium on Earth, Mars, and Uranus, Taylor Swift isn’t about to let any of us listen to Shake It Off without getting a handful of cash first.
According to BuzzFeed, Sweet Valley Swifty broke up with music streaming service Spotify, and they are never ever getting back together. Well, at least until they can come to an agreement on Tay Tay’s “Fuck you, pay me” policy. Taylor never gave a reason why she yanked all her albums off Spotify, but the speculation is that it either has to do with Tay Tay Butterscotch Sundae wanting more cash or her record label, Big Machine, trying to sell itself for $200 million and not wanting to appear as though they’re just giving music away for free. Currently Tay Tay is still hustling the rest of her breakup songs on iTunes, Google Play, Pandora, and Rdio.
Spotify responded this morning by writing an open letter to Taylor begging her to come back, making it the first time in history that Taylor Swift split with someone and they were the ones to release a sad confessional about their break-up.
I don’t know anything about making money on the internet (unless you count posting in the misc. section of Craigslist), but if Tay Tay yanked all her songs off Spotify because she wasn’t making enough money, then she might also want to have a word with radio stations. Yesterday I drove to IKEA, and the whole way there it was nothing but Shake It Off. Pop station? Shake It Off. Classic Rock station? Shake It Off. 101.5 Classical FM? Shake It Off. Then when I got to IKEA, they were playing a Swedish version of Shake It Off called Skakë It Børt. I must have heard that shit 6,374 times, and I didn’t pay her a single cent! Tay Tay, get on that! You’re losing money!
Rejoice, The World Has A New Duggar Baby-Making Machine In It!
On this Halloween weekend, one of America’s scariest families, the Duggars, cackled into the night sky, because a new uterus has joined their army of uteruses and their plan to take over the world is one step closer to coming true. A new Duggar baby-making machine was christened yesterday when 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married her 19-year-old fiancé of two and a half months Ben Seewald in front of 1,000 people at First Baptist Church in Bentonville, AR. Why do I have a feeling that Jessa is holding her bouquet over her stomach, because just like Jill Duggar, five seconds after she front-hugged her husband for the first time she came down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!!
People says that Jessa and Ben’s wedding was filmed for 19 Kids and Counting (DUH) and will air on TLC next season. As everyone pretty much knows, the Duggars are only allowed to Christian side hug the piece they’re dating during “courtship” and they have to save all that dark-sided slutty stuff like kissing and front hugging until after they’re married. Jessa’s older sister Jill shared her first kiss with her husband in front of everyone at her wedding, so People says that Jessa and Ben’s guests were “eagerly” waiting for their first kiss. Those sucio guests. If they really want to watch two kissing virgins pop each other’s kissing cherries by awkwardly mouth fuck for the first time, they should just watch a mama bird barf food into her baby’s beak, because that’s what it looks like. But Jessa and Ben disappointed everyone, because they chose to kiss for the first time in private. Since the crowd of sickos really wanted to see two Duggars kiss, Michelle and Jim Bob got up and touched lips for the crowd, which isn’t weird at all.
The couple, who wrote their own wedding vows, were saving their very first kiss until after they were married. But they had a surprise for the crowd eagerly waiting to see them lock lips on stage after Pastor Mike Schadt introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. Seewald.
“They wanted their very first kiss ever to be in private,” Schadt tells PEOPLE. “It was important to the both of them.”
He then spoke to the crowd for several minutes about the couple’s decision and asked Jessa’s parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to show the wedding crowd a kiss. “So, now you’ve seen a Duggar kiss,” Schadt said.
Michelle and Jim Bob are horny freaks, so I’m sure that kiss was all tongue and slobber and she didn’t definitely got poked by his eager baby-making wand.
I love a Duggar SCANDAL, so I’m going to say that Jessa didn’t wear white and didn’t kiss at her wedding, because she already lost her kissing virginity with her piece and she didn’t want lie in front of God. Or Jessa and Ben figured that kissing is boring so they might as well skip that shit and go straight to marital oral and rimming. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Pic: TLC/People
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Ben Cooper, Inc. – The masters of Halloween who ruled October 31st for decades!
For years and years and years, October 31st was practically National Ben Cooper Day, because trillions of children wore the company’s cheap, janky, ugly costumes. They didn’t cost much. You could buy one absolutely anywhere and they were easy to wear. Ben Cooper himself was a costume designer and in the 1930s he started his company when Halloween started to become a thing thing. Ben Cooper, Inc. bought licenses to produce costumes based on popular characters (Mickey Mouse, Snow White, etc…) and as the years went on, they continued to buy licenses and pretty much had a costume for hundreds of TV, movie and cartoon characters. Their presidential masks were apparently a huge seller, because nothing is scarier than that.
Ben Cooper continued to be the King of Halloween until the early 1980s when hysteria hit after people in the Chicago area began dying from taking cyanide-laced Tylenol. An evil doer or evil doers added lethal doses of potassium cyanide to capsules of Extra-Strength Tylenol. People bought the Tylenol not knowing that shit was death pills. The entire country freaked out thinking that the deranged murderers were going to start poisoning everything including Halloween candy. Some towns banned trick or treating. So instead of taking their kids out to collect potential death candy from strangers, parents threw Halloween parties. Ben Cooper’s flimsy ass apron and mask costumes didn’t cut it at the Halloween party. Costumes became a little more elaborate.
Ben Cooper still kept on, kept on and continued to sell costume stuff through the 1980s, but in 1988 they declared bankruptcy and a year later their factory burned to the ground. They were eventually bought out in 1992.
The 60s, 70s and really early 80s were the time to be a parent on Halloween. You could spend a few dollars on a Ben Cooper costume and call it a day. Who cares if that costume was highly flammable and if your kid got near a candle they’d turn into a human torch. Who cares if that Ben Cooper mask made your kid look like a serial killer and distributor of nightmares. Who cares about any of that! You didn’t have to spend your nights making them some dumb stupid costume so they could win some dumb stupid prize at a dumb stupid costume contest.
I never had a Ben Cooper costume as a kid (I know, I should turn my mom into CPS for depriving me of a classic), but I may get one now. I’ve got my eye on that She-Ra one in the gallery. I’ll just wear it with sweats while I lounge around the house. Or if I’m ever in the mood to rob a bank, I’ll have the perfect mask for it.
Happy National Ben Cooper Day, everyone!
Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell Tells Entertainment Weekly That She Feels Betrayed By Mama June
No-Kind-Of-Mama June’s EXCLUSIVO interview with E! News airs tonight and from what I’ve read, it doesn’t look like she says much besides, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” You know when someone’s full of fat rich lies when they say, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” Something tells me this “truth” that Mama June speaks of will look a lot like what came out of her ass this morning after she ate her usual breakfast of deep fried sugar cubes and melted butter.
Meanwhile, June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna Cardwell, continued to speak out against her mother’s hurtful, shit decisions in an interview with Entertainment Tonight that airs tomorrow night. Anna says that it hurts her seeing her mom looking like a shiny happy piece of trash while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the convicted pedophile who molested her when she was 8. Anna has talked to June and begged her to not let that monster around 9-year-old Honey Boo Boo and 14-year-old Pumpkin. Anna says that she’s obviously hurt and feels betrayed because her mom chose a pedophile shit dingle over her.
Taylor Swift Named The Global Welcome Ambassador Of NYC
It really isn’t New York City’s month. First Ebola and now they have to deal with Taylor Swift being the official welcome mat of their city. That’s a title that should’ve gone to absolutely anybody in NYC besides Tay Tay. Dr. Zizmor, the elegant dream makers of Grand Prospect Hall and the glamorous master of Trash and Vaudeville were all ROBBED!
Taylor Swift’s new album “1989,” which will probably sell a million copies in its first week, came out today and since there’s a song called “Welcome to New York” on it, NYC’s tourism board and Taylor’s people have joined forces to queef up a terrible, terrible marketing idea. I guess “Welcome to New York” is the new unofficial welcome anthem of NYC, because Tay Tay has been named NYC’s Global Welcome Ambassador. When I visited NYC for the first time, within two hours of my visit I was welcomed by the sound of a drunken homeless guy saying to me, “Hey, cake boy, give me a dollar will ya?” That is the welcome anthem of NYC. Not a Taylor Swift song!
Taylor, who has lived in NYC for about 6 minutes, made the announcement on Good Morning America today (thrilling pictures below) and also said that she’s going to perform in her new hometown on New Year’s Eve. As part of her new role as NYC’s Global Welcome Ambassador, Tay Tay shot a cringe-inducing NYC orientation video where she educated visitors on what a bodega is, how to say Houston Street correctly and what “NoHo” is. NoHo isn’t only a neighborhood in Manhattan, it’s what I shouted out loud when Taylor announced that she was the new face of NYC. While watching that mess of a video, I kept waiting for Tay Tay to tell visitors what to do if a dude starts jerking off on their leg on the subway, but then I realized that stuff like that probably doesn’t happen in her chauffeured SUV. NYC’s newest mascot also spit this out:
“I’m still learning, but I’m so enthusiastic about this city that when I love something, I’m very vocal about it. New York was a huge landscape for what became this album. It’s affected my life in ways I’m not even aware of fully.”
Maybe Taylor isn’t such a shitty choice after all. It’s hard to live in Manhattan unless you caca money and can easily write a check for your $20 million apartment without blinking. So she’s a fit!
I always knew that if NYC was a human it’d be a gay dude and now that it’s in a contract relationship with Taylor Swift, my suspicion has been confirmed! I can’t wait until NYC rips up its relationship contract with Taylor and she goes back to the Christmas tree farm to write the break-up song titled “I Hate The Way You Say Houston.”
