By the way, that screen shot is the moment when Al Roker sharted during their interview.

When Amy Adams made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the Sony hacking scandal and eventually said she’d spit out a “no comment” if asked about it, the Today show producers canceled her interview and showed her ass the exit door. But the saintly ass-kissing producers know not to do that to the most powerful deity in the world, St. Angie Jolie, because if they pulled that shit with her, Today would be canceled and the producers would be lucky to get a job on a public access morning show in Lost Springs, Wyoming.

Angie spent a piece of her New Year’s doing an interview with Today’s Al Roker and when he asked her about being bashed by Scott Rudin in those hacked emails, she had zero comment. I guess she figured that she doesn’t need to talk about it since she’s already punished Scott Rudin by banishing him to the middle of the desert Sarah-style. But St. Angie did talk about other HIGHLY IMPORTANT shit like being pox’d and her cooking skills:

On her cooking skills: I would love to think of myself as the classic mom at home. I’m one of those people that I’ll learn some random, exotic meal from… I can do a really interesting Afghan dish with eggplant, but I don’t know how to make basic spaghetti. I’m just that person.

On directing Brad Pitt in their own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea: It was great. You get nervous because you love somebody and you want to help them. As a director, you want to help your actor. As a wife, you really want to help your husband. You want everything to be right for them. But if you work with the person you love and trust most in this world, it’s pretty great.

On getting chickenpox: It was so absurd. What was even stranger, during the day before, I was doing interviews and I was like, “What is happening?!” It was really fun that my kids took the mantle. They took it very seriously when I said, “You’ve got to represent mom.”

On not getting any Golden Globe nominations for Unbroken: We’ve had some lovely responses and lovely accolades, but nothing beats the audience responding to it. When you make this kind of film, all the other stuff is wonderful, but it really means nothing if the audience doesn’t connect to it. Because this film is made for them. That would’ve been heartbreaking for us if we didn’t connect to the audience, so we’re over the moon.

Leave it to St. Angie Jolie to commit the first “Over the Moon” violation of 2015. She just had to drag that shit into the new year. She should be punished for that one. But then again she was already punished by getting Al Roker as her interviewer. Not Hoda, not Tamron, not Willie, not Natalie and not even Savannah. Angie got the weather guy. I guess it could’ve been worse, though. She could’ve gotten the douchebag full of lukewarm smugness that is Matt Lauer.

فضيحة ALERT! (Note: Google Translate says that “فضيحة” is Arabic for “ESCANDALO,” so if you’re fluent in Arabic and that’s just a bunch of nonsensical gibberish, blame that permanently drunk bitch Google Translate.)

A bunch of young American attention whore messes including Selena Gomez, Kendull Jenner, Gigi Hadid, her twink boyfriend Cody Simpson and Shay Mitchell spent the New Year’s holiday in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, because Pimp Mama Kris probably leased their asses out to some billionaire sheiks. Selena, Kendull and Gigi have been splattering pictures of their vacation on Instagram and two of those pictures caused a little scandal. When those messes visited the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi earlier this week, they broke the rules of the house by acting the fool, and Selena really rebelled out by flashing her ankle while posing with her friend Eli Mizrahi. The picture was later deleted, but nothing truly dies on the Internet. Selena got a lot of hate for her stupid ass stunt and TMZ says officials from the mosque are upset, because Selena disrespected their place of worship and broke the rules by posing sexy and showing her lady ankle. The others also showed disrespect by laughing and smiling when mosque rules state that you can’t laugh or smile.

They must be punished. JAIL THEM FOREVER!

Selena hasn’t said anything about this, but I doubt she’s going to. She knew what she was doing. She learned from RiRi. She knew that if she flashed her skin in a mosque and posted that picture on Instagram, a million blogs would write about it and she’d get all the attention. I fell for her trap! But really, if you’re not into following the rules of a mosque, just stay your ass outside. That’s why I haven’t been to a church mass in centuries. I have a feeling they’d frown upon me browsing the “amateur gay facial” tag on Pornhub on my iPhone during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I know, they’re so weird.

Nobody should be surprised about this, though. Selena Gomez repeatedly fucked Justin Bieber, so she pretty much has her masters and PhD in bad decision-making.

Pic: Instagram

Speaking of Usher’s dick…

On Christmas morning, Justin Bieber, who is looking more and more like a meth pimple on Aaron Carter’s cheek, ran into his bodyguard’s bedroom, jumped on the bed and shrieked about how Santa came. Like all of the adults in the Biebs’ life, his bodyguard is contractually obligated to not tell him the truth about Santey Claus, because that would hurt that little shit head’s heart. Once he finished opening up all the presents his people bought with his money, he opened up a very special present: a key to his own private jet! That is so much better than the Disney Dusty Plane rider he got last year for Christmas.

Today, the oozing herp sore on humanity’s asshole farted up two pictures on Instagram of a private jet. Justin Bieber claims he bought that shit for Christmas:

“New jet for Christmas. And she’s beautiful.”

TMZ thinks that the Biebs’ new toy is a G6, which costs around $60 million. The Biebs’ net worth is supposedly $200 million. TMZ also thinks that he could’ve gone in on a part-ownership kind of deal and is sharing it with other rich hos.

Here’s another shot of the inside of Douche Air:

Anybody who watched the television masterpiece that was Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story knows how this story will probably end. We’ll see the picture of his opulent private jet again in ten years on an episode of Oprah’s Where Are They Now? when he points to it while talking about the glory days as he gives a tour of the Florida motel room he moved into after he wasted all his money away.

Pics: Instagram

Doodle Bears!

Because I’m numb on the inside and like to torture myself by venturing into the depths of Hell, I went to Toys ‘R Us a couple of days before Christmas to buy presents. During my visit in Lucifer’s torture tomb of pure terror, I got hit with a blast from the past that I didn’t know existed anymore. Doodle Bears are still alive and they still exist on this planet. Who knew? Even though they got a head enlargement, an eye job and a pair of stunted Sharpie brows painted on their faces, they’re still a bear you doodle on.

The Doodle Bears from Tyco first hit the toy stroll in the 90s. They were the perfect toy for brat ass kids who couldn’t stop drawing on the walls and furniture. Kids could scribble whatever they wanted on their Doodle Bear from their tagger name to their gang sign, etc…. By the time these came out, I was way too old for one, but one of my younger cousins had one and she fucked that shit up. She used non-washable markers on hers, so it never ever got clean in the washing machine. It looked like Justin Bieber: a plush toy covered in dreadful, tragic tattoos.

The Doodle Bears of today really lack the style the Doodle Bears of the 90s had. Thanks to their mega-high waisted jeans that were pulled all the way up to their armpits and their gay pride triangle nose, they were fashion icons of their time.

Here’s a Doodle Bear commercial that aired in 1995 in the UK:

In the mid-90s, every toy commercial looked like the Blossom intro.

If you landed on this post after a Google search and are really, really confused and wondering where the fat hairy dudes and scat are, you obviously misspelled “doody bears,” you cochino! This is a DOODLE Bear.

Pic: Buzzfeed

Jennifer Runyon, Fake Cindy from 1988’s A Very Brady Christmas Special!

Geri Reischl, Fake Jan from The Brady Bunch Hour, is the most famous fakes of the Fake Bradys (Jan, Marcia and Cindy) and she gets all the fake Brady glory, but on this Christmas Eve Day we honor Jennifer Runyon who was Fake Cindy in the Brady Christmas TV movie. Susan Olsen was the only original cast member who skipped out on filming A Very Brady Christmas and Wikipedia says it’s because she was on her honeymoon during production. “She was on her honeymoon” sounds like a very sweet way of saying “She wanted more money and those bitches wouldn’t pay up.”

Jennifer Runyon was brought in to replace Susan Olsen as Cindy Brady. Up until then, Jennifer did a lot of TV work including a few episodes of Another World and she was Scott Baio’s girlfriend in the first season of Charles In Charge. In A Very Brady Christmas, Mike and Carol can’t agree on where to go for the holidays, so they decide instead to use the vacation money they’ve saved up to fly all of their brat ass, ungrateful kids home for Christmas. None of the Brady kids are into it because their lives are a mess.

Cindy is at college and since she’s lived her life in the shadows of her older brothers and sisters, she’s trying to be independent and shit and has made plans to go skiing in Aspen for Christmas. But we all know the real reason why Fake Cindy doesn’t want to go home for Christmas. It’s because she’s Fake Cindy! She Talented Mr. Ripley’d the real Cindy Brady by killing her and living her life. They don’t tell us this, but they also don’t explain why Cindy has a new face and no lisp.

All the Brady kids go back home and nobody notices that Cindy is a fraud! But in their defense, it’s not like they paid attention to Cindy growing up. Cindy could’ve been played a dog painted up as a panda and they still wouldn’t notice. Poor Cindy! Fake Cindy is the only one who has a heart, though. When Mike Brady gets trapped in a building he designed after it collapses due to the shitty work of a shady businessman, Fake Cindy is the only one who physically consoles Carol Brady and she does it while wearing one of the uniforms that Sue Ellen designed in Don’t Tell Mom The Baby Sitter’s Dead.

Let Carol and Fake Cindy serenade you on this Christmas Eve Day:

Viva Fake Cindy!

Kelloggs Apple Raisin Crisp cereal!

While thoroughly researching yesterday’s HSOTD (and by “thoroughly” I mean spending 3 minutes trolling through Google Images) I was hit with the soggy apple crisp memory of Apple Raisin Crisp cereal by Kellogg’s when my eyes landed on a picture of its box. I completely forgot about that deliciousness, but thankfully almost everything lives on in Google Images. Apple Raisin Crisp cereal came out in the mid-80s and my mom used to buy it for us, because she thought it was kind of healthy since it had the word “apple” in its title.

In case you couldn’t tell from the cross stitch look (which gives me shades of vintage Family Feud) of the box, Apple Raisin Crisp cereal was supposed to be something your grandma would make. It was your grandma in a bowl and I’m sure many children said, “It’s like I’m eating grandma,” after shoveling spoonfuls in their mouths. It was delicious, but it wasn’t anything my grandma would make. My abuelita never made shit like apple crisp. If Kellogg’s wanted to sell a cereal based on stuff my abuelita would make, they’d put out Menudo Crisp Cereal or Pupusa Loroco Surprise cereal. (Side note: If I were ever to do drag, Pupusa Loroco would be my drag name.)

Kellogg’s doesn’t make Apple Raisin Crisp cereal anymore, but you can recreate the deliciousness of it by adding chunks of stale apple pie to a bowl of Raisin Bran, which is what I’ll be doing on the morning of December 26th I’m sure.

Pic: InThe80s