Since I’ve already farted up posts about Pimp Mama Kris and Bristol Palin, I may as well complete the fame whore trifecta by farting up a post about the Duggars. So here we are.

This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.

In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”

Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.

It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.

I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!

As Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gets herself together in a Four Seasons-like rehab facility of luxury that talking used dildo Dr. Phil sent her to, the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has slapped her with three misdemeanor charges including one count of public intoxication, one count of resisting arrest and one count of battery upon a peace officer. I would say that somebody needs to page Kathy Hilton to tell her to use her connections to keep one of her own out of the clink, but I’m pretty sure Kathy Hilton already used up all her favors on trying to keep her piece of trash kids out of the chokey.

Kim was put into handcuffs last month after she caused a scene at the Polo Lounge inside of The Beverly Hills Hotel while under the influence of the sweet nectar and other mind-altering stuff. Kim locked herself in the bathroom and when the police dragged her out, she kicked one of them. UsWeekly claims that the documents say that Kim was high on “liquor and a drug, a controlled substance, and toluene” at the time of her arrest. If convicted of all charges, Kim could be sitting in prison for two and a half years. If Kim Richards actually gets sentenced to two and a half years in prison (shit, if she gets sentenced to two and a half hours in prison), Pimp Mama Kris better start collecting Khlozilla’s waxed-off back hair scraps, because she’s going to need to make an extra warm jacket to send to her maker Lucifer since Hell would have frozen over.

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Seen above looking like a morph of Kim Gordon and Robin Wright, Cate Blanchett talked to Variety about her new movie Carol, which premieres at Cannes this week. Carol is an old-timey lesbian love story about a married woman (played by Cate) who falls in love with a younger department store salesgirl (played by goth alien Rooney Mara) in 1950s NYC. Variety’s piece is mostly about how Carol was a million years in the making and several directors dropped out before Todd Haynes took the job. Carol is based on the ESCANDALO (at the time) 1952 novel The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith who used a pseudonym, because she didn’t want to deal with the public coming at her.

Cate talks a little a bit about herself in Variety’s article about Carol. She won’t ever read the headline “Cate Blanchett May Have Bumped ‘Ginas With Another Lady Before,” because she doesn’t Google herself. She mostly likes to stay private, she says. But when she was asked if it’s her first time being a gayelle, she dropped a little coy nugget:

When asked if this is her first turn as a lesbian, Blanchett curls her lips into a smile. “On film — or in real life?” she asks coyly. Pressed for details about whether she’s had past relationships with women, she responds: “Yes. Many times,” but doesn’t elaborate. Like Carol, who never “comes out” as a lesbian, Blanchett doesn’t necessarily rely on labels for sexual orientation. “I never thought about it,” she says of how she envisioned the character. “I don’t think Carol thought about it.” The actress studied the era by picking up banned erotic novels. “I read a lot of girl-on-girl books from the period,” she says.

Some took that to mean that Cate Blanchett has come out as bisexual and loves peen AND poon. But I don’t know, she was kind of vague. What does she mean by “relationships” and what does she mean by “many“? Many could be anything. To that slut-shamer extraordinaire Jeremy Renner, “many” is like 4. To me, “many” is like “I haven’t learned how to count that high yet.” What I’m asking is, on the odometer on Cate Blanchett’s vagine, how many of those miles came from coochie bumpin’? I need to know the answer and I’ll never know the answer, because Cate Blanchett will never read that question since she doesn’t Google herself. DAMMIT!

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Katy Perry was a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race and chose Amazonian Clorox Goddess Brigitte Nielsen as her Snatch Game character, here’s Katy Perry on the cover of Wonderland (aka the magazine that makes famous types look nothing like themselves) looking just like that. Although if I were Ru (how dare I even, I know), this is the part where I’d be telling Katy to “sashay away” for failing to capture Brigitte’s struggling-to-stay-awake sleepy-eyed essence.

Katy recently posted 4 shots from this month’s issue to Instagram, and they all look – and I mean this in the best way possible – like the ’80s took a giant coked-up dump on them. The first two shots are of Katy in that greasy blonde wig looking like Brigitte Nielsen auditioning for the part of Gozer the Gozerian in Ghostbusters, the third is of her in a red wig looking like Katherine Helmond-meets-Elvira Hancock-meets-quaaludes, and last is of Katy looking like Strawberry Shortcake’s snobby rich bitch cousin from Manhattan, Crystal Goblet. Actually, that’s a pretty hot name. I’d like to know more about this Crystal Goblet character I just made up. I bet she totally has a white poodle named Bark-arat and refers to everyone as “you there.”

Pics: Instagram

Remember how we recently found out that Hilary Duff was sniffing around for dudes on Tinder? It turns out she might be trying to get more than just no-strings-attached dick out of it. According to TMZ, Hilary (who is starting to look like Lizzie McGuire in lazy Mrs. Slocombe drag, if I’m being totally honest with myself) is going to tape all her Tinder dates and is hoping to turn them into a reality show.

So far, Hilary has only been on one date (they went bowling) and a “source with direct knowledge” tells TMZ there were cameras there recording the whole thing. They claim that once Hilary has enough footage, she’ll try to sell it as a reality show about her new life as a recent divorcée. And if that doesn’t work, she could always rent a bus, fill it with 5 dudes, and pitch it to MTV as a Next reboot. I would 100% watch that.

First dates with someone you meet online are the worst. I would rather eat a sock filled with lukewarm poo than go on a first date, let alone bring a film crew with me so I can film it and have everyone I know watch it later. Who wants to watch two people who met online awkwardly say “Um…so…” over plates of nacho spring rolls and $12 drinks for two hours while they subtly try to scan their phone for other users in their area?

Besides, the only thing that can save a first date is when one person suggests you go back to their place and “watch Netflix or something” (aka drunk hump on the couch), but I don’t think we’ll be lucky enough to see that part on Hilary’s reality show.

Most of us know Sandra Lee as the First Lady of New York and a culinary genius who can make a delicious and refreshing mojito out of stuff you have lying around the house like Lime-A-Way, mint-flavored mouthwash and leaves. But what we don’t know is that Sandra Lee is also a modern day Artemis. Case in point: She saved a baby seal this week!

Page Six says that the greatest thing to happen to the food world since taco-flavored Doritos (RIP) was strolling along the beach in Malibu on Tuesday morning when she noticed a distressed, washed-up creature who was probably heaving and gurgling in pain the way most people do after eating a slice of her world famous Kwanzaa cake. Usually when you see a blubbery, washed-up creature rolling around in distress on the beach in Malibu, you figure it’s just Charlie Sheen after snorting some bad coke again. But this time it was a baby seal in need. Sandra dropped the shells she planned to use in a future tablescape, put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and ran toward the baby seal.

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