Disclosing tablets, the snitch ass bitches who will call your nasty teeth out and expose your lazy brushing ways!

Disclosing tablets may look like Dot Candy and also may look like they taste as delicious as chewable Tylenol tablets (Side note: I lived for the taste of chewable Tylenol tablets when I was kid and it’s surprising I didn’t overdose on that shit.), but they are the exact opposite of candy and taste gross. I don’t even know if kids nowadays have to chew on that nasty crap when going to the dentist. They probably all have daVinci veneers installed at birth.

The first or second time I went to the dentist, he made me brush in front of him and afterward, I had to chew on a disclosing tablet. Not only did chewing on a disclosing tablet give me gorgeous tie-die teef (click here if you really need to see what that looks like), but it also showed the plaque I missed while brushing. It turned the plaque either blue or bright red. You also had to be careful with that mess, because if it got on your clothes, it would leave stain and look like Poochie got her period on you.

I’m glad that as a total grown up (HAHAHA) I don’t have to chew on that nastiness when going to the dentist (and neither does Pete Doherty, because I’m sure a disclosing tablet would explode in his hand even before he put it in his mouth). Since I’m an adult now, my dentist just lectures me before taking it out on me with his drill. So much better than those blabbermouth tablets.

Pic: Google

Chrissy Teigen joined Miley Cyrus, Chelsea Hander and that Willis daughter whose name I can’t remember right now (Don’t make me Google!) in the FREE THE NIPPLE movement the other day when Instagram proved they are still lady nipple haters by taking down a picture she posted from W Magazine of her exposed tit knob. Chrissy tweeted that her nipple had been silenced, but that it would rise again and fight those nipple-shushing bitches at Instagram. Chrissy’s nipple hasn’t made another appearance on the front lines of Instagram yet, but yesterday she winked at those hos by posting a picture where a strategically placed hairspray bottle covered her nip.

HAIR @jrugg8

A photo posted by @chrissyteigen on Jun 30, 2015 at 2:38pm PDT

Fight the good fight, Chrissy! Chrissy Teigen is truly the Enjolras of the lady nipples on Instagram battle. And now that I’ve made a Les Miserables reference in a post about nipples, I’m totally singing “Do you hear the nipple sing” to myself.

And here’s Chrissy giving you electrocuted Cowardly Lion glamour while doing stuff.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

For years there’s been rumors that Jeremy Renner’s tip gets moist for peen and hos have been whispering that there’s something going on between his longtime flip flop partner and roommate Kristoffer Winters who got in the middle of his wreck of a divorce fight with his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco. (And I mean “flip flop partner” in the “flipping houses together” sort of way.) The National Enquirer also recently-ish did a story about JEREMY RENNER’S GAY SECRET. But Jeremy has said before that he’s not gay and he’s sick of nosy whores sniffing his asshole for the scent of lube and dick. Jeremy was asked about the gay rumors again during an interview with Stephen Rebello for Playboy.

Stephen brought up the story Jeremy told The Hollywood Reporter about how he once choked out an asshole who called him a fag for wearing a scarf. Jeremy explained why he told that story and went on to say that he’s not going to talk about the gay rumors anymore right before he talked about the gay rumors:

I was mad at the interviewer and was kind of hammering him, saying, “I thought we were doing the cover of Hollywood Reporter, not OK! magazine.” And while I was hammering him, I figured, Okay, I’ll speak to this. But as a general rule I don’t respond to questions about my personal life. I’m not going to try to prove what I am or am not. It’s silly, right? When you google yourself and the first thing that comes up is “Jeremy Renner gay,” it’s like, “Oh, now you’ve arrived. You’re now a giant movie star.” So I just had a big laugh about it. I don’t care, ultimately, if that’s what people want to think, read and care about. Fucking say whatever the hell you want about me. Look at where we’re at socially—leaps and bounds ahead of where we started. That’s an amazing thing. To suggest that it’s negative, that being gay is a terrible thing, a perversion or whatever—I just don’t get it. Don’t you wish we were in a world where we’re not shaming, judging and boxing people in?

Oh, so the slut-hating slut-shaming slut-shamer wants to live in a shame-free world? Interesting.

But seriously, in the same interview, Jeremy talks about guns, says that Jennifer Lopez was maybe turned on by him staring at her Golden Globes, says the word “bro” and talks about how he choked a guy who pushed Julia Stiles in a bar. (Side note: Jeremy Renner is really into choking. Rough trade kinky bitch.) Jeremy was one “I love to slam Buds with my buddies at monster truck rallies” story away from screaming that he’s 100% heterosexual. I’m with Jeremy, though, reporters should stop asking him about the gay rumors. There’s much more interesting questions to ask him like how does he achieve his impeccable bunny eyeliner game.

Polaris, the Spanish-language Spice Girls of the 90s!

I hadn’t thought about Polaris’ cover of Blondie’s “The Tide Is High” for at least ten thousand years until reader Diana dropped a note in my box about them the other day. If someone’s going to drop something in my box, I hope that it’s a peen, but I’ll take a note, especially a note about the subtle elegance and potent talent of Polaris!

I don’t know much about Polaris, but that’s the beauty of Polaris. They put out an album titled “Oro Y Platino” in 1996 and that same year, they released a video for their Spanish cover of “The Tide Is High” called “Vuelve A Mi.” The music video truly has (and I’m not exagerrating) everything you could ever want from a music video. It has clouds, green screen extravaganza, a teddy bear in aviators, a magic carpet, hairspray for days, ~fashion~ and raw emotional moves. The video is very “Angie from down the street asked her cousin, her co-worker and her friend from high school if they want to make a music video using the camcorder her uncle just got.” I mean, it looks like one of them came directly from work and didn’t even take off her dental assistant uniform to film this masterpiece.

The video is TRUE ART and a lesson in how to be glamorous. Get the faints at the sight of a flying teddy bear in aviators, fall to the floor at the sight of the lady in red at the 1:16 mark delivering vulnerable drama, get your “time of death” read at the 1:37 mark when the beauty in the bra gives you pure modest sexiness and get buried at the 2:42 mark when they’re all dancing on the clouds.

According to the 100% accurate Google Translate, cunt in Spanish is coño, so instead of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent, they’re giving us charisma, opulence, ñerve and oomph.

Someone claiming to be in Polaris left a YouTube comment where she said they were thrown together, lied to and only lasted a year:

The group broke up about a year after. We were told that we would do a xmas album but nothing ever happened…. soooooo… Doris and I got out… never really knew what happened to the rest of the girls.. we didn’t really keep in touch.

I think we were all brought together some with false lines and some of us just wanted the experience. I, for one had a good time.

I still stay in L.A. and work… in a top 40 band and I try to get out to do some karaoke.

I, for one, hope they reunite in 2016 for their 20th anniversary and go on a sold-out world tour, because Polaris IS glamour and talent.

If the name Gabi Grecko means about as much to you as the name “Kim” means to North West, then you’re obviously not a connoisseur of delicate gold digging blossoms.

Gabi Grecko (who is giving me Leeloo as a Hooters waitress in that picture) is a 26-year-old Florida petunia who became one of my gold digging idols when she got with 72-year-old Australian medical mogul Geoffrey Edelsten and caused an ESCANDALO when she showed up to a funeral done up like a mobster’s hooker mistress circa 1986. Well, the always attention shy Gabi, who is usually allergic to the spotlight, is back in the news in Australia after she and her sugar pepaw got married and announced that she’s got an adorable little blank check growing in her womb. But some people are throwing looks of skepticism at her pregnancy news.

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TMZ says that after four days on the loose, Mila Kunis’ stalker Stuart Lynn Dunn (seen above in one of his many mugshots) has finally been caught by police. Stuart escaped the Olive Vista Behavioral Health Center in Pomona, CA where he was being held on Saturday by slipping out of a bathroom window, and went on the run. According to TMZ, police found him earlier today hanging out in an alley in Santa Monica, at which point he was arrested and taken into custody. Probation officials are currently investigating what he was doing while he was on the loose, and trying to find out whether or not he tried to contact Mila Kunis.

I know I’m focusing on the wrong thing here, but I can’t believe Stuart Lynn Dunn made it so far. If Google Maps is correct, Pomona is almost 47 miles away from Santa Monica. Put into perspective, that’s like 16 hours of non-stop walking. That’s too much walking! He’s like that damn Proclaimers song. Good lord, I would have turned my ass around and headed back the second I hit West Covina.

Regardless, at least Mila Kunis can now let out a giant sigh of relief that her stalker isn’t out stalking anymore. Now the only person she has to worry about creeping around her backyard is her “former childhood friend” and current fame whore Kristina Karo on the never-ending search for some quick cash…I mean, her long-lost stolen chicken.