Before all the full-fledged foolery of the day dirties up our pristine and innocent brains, let’s fill it with some potent Dynasty eleganza brought to you by RiRi.

While dehydrated dandelion Taylor Swift once again painted herself up as the poor, wittle victim during Nicki Minaj’s Twitter monologue about the MTV VMAs (again, all that DRAMA over the VMAs) and racism in the music industry, RiRi took advantage of all the eyeballs going to Twitter to watch the “beef” that never fully cooked by tweeting an ad for her new perfume.

RiRi is releasing another perfume, called RiRi by Rihanna, that will collect dust on the shelves of a Ross near you. No, I’m sure RiRi by Rihanna will replace water as the most used liquid in the world. Everyone will buy RiRi’s new bottle of stank by the case thanks to that stunningly exquisite ad. That ad is the point of glamour where a Mario Casilli portrait and the ad for Joan Collins’ perfume meet. That ad looks like it was shot at a Glamour Shots in the Paramus Park Mall in the late 80s and was conceived by Swan Brooner.

I can smell the Vaseline on the camera lens from here and that is truly a glamorous scent. If RiRi by Rihanna doesn’t smell like Vaseline, cheap lip gloss, wet satin and AquaNet, RiRi should be sued for false representation! But that ad really is the dose of glamour I needed today.

And here’s RiRi at LAX serving up more glamour by giving us Sideshow Bob from the neck up, sloppy 90s frat boy from neck to ankle and Rhonda from Laverne & Shirley from the ankle down.

Pics: Splash

Patricia Navidad, Mexican actress, singer and maxi pad warrior who slapped down all the tricks who made fun of the pad that escaped out of her chonies during a TV performance.

Shit happens on live TV. Some people “accidentally” drop fuck bombs, some caca themselves, some people’s titty falls out, etc… etc… Well, during a performance on the Univision show “Despierta América,” Patricia Navidad learned that anything can happen on live TV when it looked like her pad made a break for it and free fell from her dress. Bitch sang her maxi pad off, basically. The camera person noticed and made sure to zoom in and get a nice close-up shot of the pad lying on the floor, because that’s what everyone needed to see.

The clip went viral and after a few radio DJs made fun of her and accused her of staging the stunt for attention, Patricia jumped on Twatter to slap them all in the face with her escaped chocha towel. Patricia said that it’s disgusting how men are making fun of something natural and wondered if the world has anything better to talk about (answer: not really). She didn’t come out and say that it was a maxi pad, and she even said that it could’ve been an armpit towel (sweat sponge?) that fell from a tunnel in her dress. Latin Times has all of Patricia’s tweets, which are in Spanish, but here’s one of my favorites:

PARA VOLAR NO NECESITO ALAS, TENGO IMAGINACIÓN Y GRACIAS A DIOS SENTIDO DEL HUMOR, SI USTEDES QUIEREN QUE SEA TOALLA, PUES ES TOALLA JAJA😂😁

— Patricia Navidad (@ANPNL05) July 14, 2015

The drunk substitute high school Spanish teacher known as Google Translate translated that tweet into English and this is what it came up with:

NO NEED TO FLY WINGS HAVE IMAGINATION AND THANK GOD SENSE OF HUMOR, IF YOU WANT TO BE TOWEL, TOWEL AS IS LOL

“If you want to be a towel, towel as is” is my new life motto.

Pic: TV Notas (For Alejandro and Gabby)

Pass me a Huggable Hanger so that I can throw it at the screen, because a trailer for the Joy Mangano biopic, directed by David O. Russell And starring Jennifer Lawrence, is out. I thought this was going to be a comprehensive saga about the making of the Huggable Hanger and Miracle Mop and instead it’s just Jennifer Lawrence looking like a baby Renee Zellweger. I’m not even sure if she does Joy’s accent. Take a Miracle Mop to this shit and do it again! With that being said, it will win approximately 95 Oscars – Lainey Gossip 

That fuchsia really brings out all the plastic in Jenny McCarthy’s face – Celebitchy

The Real Drunk Wrecks Of New York City may be “HOLLA” free next season – Reality Tea 

Pamela Anderson looks a mess! – Drunken Stepfather

President Obama says he won’t snatch away Bill Cosby’s Medal of Honor because they don’t have a mechanism for that. Um, can’t he just create one by snapping his fingers? What’s the point of being president if you can’t make up mechanisms? – Jezebel

And Pimp Mama Kris will wear Kendall Jenner’s elegant top to church on Sunday – The Nip Slip 

I see that Star Magazine bought Paul LeBlanc’s Friends fanfiction titled “The One Where Jennifer Aniston Passed Her Married Puss To Matt LeBlanc” – The Superficial 

Here’s the trailer for Sisters starring Tina Fey as Amy Poehler’s Baby Mama character and Amy Poehler as Tina Fey’s Baba Mama character – Towleroad

Dad got into his kid’s Ecstasy stash again… – Hollywood Tuna 

Disney didn’t hear you when you screamed, “Stop with the live-action fuckery!” – Just Jared

I miss Katie Holmes’ pegged jeans – Popoholic

PRINCE PHILIP AND SUSAN BOYLE WERE ROBBED! – Pajiba

Stunt Empress Beyonce is at it again – Popsugar

Michael Douglas’ “eating cooze gave me cancer” comment made me picture him munching twat and now his “I have a big dick” comment is making me check Google for pictures of his peen. Please don’t let him talk about how plump his b-hole is next, because my brain can’t take it – SOW

Nicolle Wallace has been kicked from her regular chair on The View – TVLine 

Well, this is ten million tons of sad: Nick Cave’s teenage son died after falling off of a cliff – HuffPo

To me, anti-vaxxer and former MTV reality trick Kristin Cavallari is so bland that she makes wet Styrofoam peanut Lauren Conrad seems as interesting as a ginger chihuahua juggling sparklers. But Kristin is really breaking out of her shell of zzzz and has taken her style from “…….” to “!!!!!”

The permanently pregnant Kristin realized that her checking account balance needed more zeros after it beauty sense needed to be taken to higher levels of elegance, so she achieved that by slipping on the bright, shiny crown jewel of hair pieces: fake bangs attached to a headband! Kristin is pimping out a line of clip-on bangs called “Secret Bangs” and yesterday she tweeted a picture of her hair looking like a million rials (I’m being generous) thanks to those fake bangs. Kristin added the note:

Wanted to change up my look today with bangs! They’re so easy and fun! Check them out http://www.secretbangs.com

Thanks to that outfit and those busted bangs, she looks like a blond, bootleg Daphne from Scooby Doo and that truly is the look. Kristin is on to something, because who doesn’t want to look like their forehead is covered by a tiny hula girl’s grass skirt? Wearing bangs that look about as natural as plastic hay is going to be so in. I expect to see Kristin Cavallari at the top of Vogue’s next best dressed in the world list. Actually, no I don’t, because Vogue is shit and would never recognize a true trendsetter like Kristin Cavallari!

P.S. – Condolences if you were planning to open a one-night stand hook-up site for married people called Secret Bangs.

via UsWeekly

The Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California has tossed a lawsuit into the lap of Tom Selleck for allegedly committing several acts of water thievery since 2013. Tom and his wife Jillie Mack are accused of stealing thousands of gallons of water from a fire hydrant near a construction site in Thousands Oaks, CA and transporting that stolen agua to his 60-acre ranch and avocado farm in the Hidden Valley area. This case is way too low-on-the-ladder for Detective La Toya, so this is a case for Magnum P.I.! Oh wait, Tom is Magnum P.I. This is a case for Jessica Fletcher! Water, he stole.

Courthouse News Service (via THR) says that in the court documents, the water district claims that a commercial truck sucked water out of that fire hydrant and drove it back to Chateau de Stache a total of 12 times in the span of 18 months. The water district says that the truck stole water 7 times from September 2013 to October 2013. In November 2013, they wanted Tom to stop stealing water, so they sent cease-and-desist letters to both of his homes in Southern California. Those letters did nothing to stop Tom’s alleged water snatching ways. They claim the truck went back to drink free water from the hydrant 5 more times: 1 time in December 2013 and 4 times in March 2015.

I know you’re wondering what the fire hydrant that Tom stuck his hose in looks like, so thankfully, The Daily Mail got a picture of it from Google.

The water district paid a private investigator $21,685.55 to track and document Tom’s water-looting truck. They want Tom to pay them back and they’re also demanding that he pay court fees, attorney costs and other damages to be determined.

Tom Selleck hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure he has a really good explanation for stealing water IN THIS DROUGHT (which is the new “IN THIS ECONOMY.”) It must take a whole lot of water to keep the majestic grand lawn above his mouth thick and luxurious. If all of us in California turn to dust due to this drought, it’s okay as long as Tom Selleck’s national treasure stache and brows stay lush and gorgeous.

Pics: Google, Wenn.com

The dude named Cock who is cleaning up the dick on the road in the Netherlands! 

This beautiful story about Cock and dick cums from RTV Utrecht and I had to check to make sure that “RTV Utrecht” isn’t Dutch for “The Onion,” because this shit is perfect. Tour De France started in the Netherlands this year and in the town of Oudewater, someone decided that the cyclists really needed some great, big giant peen to cheer them on and get their asses in gear. I guess my favorite artiste, Wanksy, decided to spread his gorgeous dick art to other countries.

For some strange reason, the town of Oudewater and the Tour De France officials didn’t appreciate the jizzing dicks in the street and wanted it cleaned up. The regular Peencasso apparently used water-resistant paint so they couldn’t just easily scrub the dicks away. But one resident of Oudewater named Cock Verkerk still tried to erase the peen from the streets and he got down and tried to rub them out. There’s only room for one Cock on the streets of Oudewater!

Here’s a piece from RTV Utrecht’s story which was translated from Dutch by your always-drunk cousin who spent a stoned summer in Amsterdam once (aka Google Translate):

Traditionally drawing cyclists encouraging slogans on the asphalt, but many penises are an eyesore. Similarly Cock Verkerk, native of Oudewater. He tried the penis in his street in vain to scrub away. “But I’m not hearing himself signed!”

The municipality promised that the fire department would come along to remove the penis. But they are difficult to remove because it is water resistant paint. The removal is not successful.

Before they clean it up, I need to use my miles to get my ass (and other parts) to Oudewater, because heaven is a place where peens decorate the roads and a dude named Cock lives.

Pic: @marlieswessels (For Ricardo)