Up until a few hours ago, the name Britt McHenry made my brain spit out question marks and if you asked me who she was I’d guess that she was the first one kicked off of The Bachelor last season. I still don’t really know who Britt McHenry is, but I do know that she’s a suspended reporter from ESPN and is one of those types who plays the “Do you know who I am, bitch?” card.

ESPN suspended reporter Britt McHenry after an edited video of her going full cunt on a tow truck lady popped up on LiveLeak. Busted Coverage says that Britt’s verbal slap down all started when her car got towed while she was eating at a restaurant in Arlington, VA. Britt went to pick up her car at Advanced Towing (which apparently has a reputation for being shifty as hell) and went in on the tow truck attendant. The tow truck lady, whose name is apparently Gina Michelle, let Britt know that she better be ready for her close-up, because she was on camera and ESPN Barbie couldn’t give a shit.

In so many words, Britt told Gina that she’s a toothless, uneducated, trailer trash fatty. Bitch is like Regina George SANS class, wit and hair that looks like it’s been conditioned with the jizz of the gods. The video is below. She would’ve come off a little bit more hardcore and threatening if she didn’t have that Whoville donut bun on her head.

Baby girl? Who in the hell does she think she is? Valerie Cherish?

The thing is, the tow truck lady might not have even known who Britt Michelle was (like 99% of the country). But because Britt Michelle just had to say, “I’m in the news, sweetheart,” Gina Michelle probably Googled her ass and decided to EXPOSE her by releasing this edited video of her greatest hits. That’s why nothing good comes from saying, “Do you know who I am?” 9.5 times out of 10, they’re not going to say back to you, “Oh my fuck, you’re Britt McHenry from ESPN! I am so sorry! Here’s your money back and I’ll have my guys hand wash your car before pulling it up front, baby girl.”

ESPN reviewed the tape with Britt and suspended her for 1 week. She apologized on Twatter:

In an intense and stressful moment, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and said some insulting and regrettable things. As frustrated as I was, I should always choose to be respectful and take the high road. I am so sorry for my actions and will learn from this mistake.

Oh please, baby girl. If you’re going to be a bitch, be a bitch and own being a bitch. None of this “stressful moment” shit. Own your bitchery. Or if you don’t want to do that, just say that video was a Funny or Die prank and hope that everyone believes you.

Way back in 2010, comedian and hot Ginger daddy (don’t judge me) Louis C. K. composed a series of drunken tweets on an airplane, one of which was directed at living Bumpit Sarah Palin. Although to be fair, who isn’t guilty of getting drunk and tweeting shit about Sarah Palin? Let he who is without tweet against that dumb shit from Alaska be without…something something…cast the first stone (oh Jesus, speaking of getting drunk on an airplane, it appears I’m still whatever the word for jet lagged + hungover is). Louis C.K. had referred to Sarah Palin as a “fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl“. No offense to the real Wonder Girl, I’m sure.

Five years later, Louis C.K. tells Howard Stern (via People) that he’s sorry for ever calling her a fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl. Louis was approached by Sarah Palin at the SNL 40th Anniversary after-party in February because Sarah said her nephew, who was her date that night, told her that she had to say Hi to Louis C.K. and that he’s the one guy she had to meet. That’s when, according to Louis, “something came over me emotionally” and he apologized. Louis also told Howard he’s never apologized for any of his jokes before that night.

And just like a broken spring in a Whac-A-Mole game, Sarah Palin popped out of her hole in Wasilla to add to his story. Sarah tells People that she was “sincerely humbled” that he would apologize and laughed it off, because she hadn’t even heard what he’d said about her. Yeah right. As if Sarah Palin hasn’t ever switched internet providers in order to handle the bandwidth required for her to examine every single one of her Google alerts that contain the words “Sarah Palin” plus several expletives.

Louis C.K. also added that Sarah Palin invited him to come fishing with her in Alaska. Don’t do it Louis! It’s a trap! First she gets you in a boat in the middle of nowhere with the promise of fish, then Joe the Plumber pulls up on a Sea-Doo, she hops out of the boat, and they speed away, leaving you all alone with nothing but a thin piece of tin between your ass and an ice alien from The Thing.

Insert all your “Hide yo kids, hide yo…kids” jokes here. Because everything from the 90s is making a comeback (it’s really only a matter of time before those hip hop Looney Tunes t-shirts come back, I swear), Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student/current husband Vili Fualaau were interviewed for Barbara Walters’ upcoming show American Scandal last night. “I’m sorry, was I busy?” thought Chris Hansen. Mary Kay and Vili talked about being married for 10 years, their two daughters (who are now 16 and 17-years-old), and MKL’s two prison sentences.

After Mary Kay was released from prison in 2004, she was registered as a Level 2 sex offender. She also lost her teaching license. She’s also famous for hooking up with one of her underage students. But despite all this, Mary Kay still wants to be a teacher. Mary Kay is currently working as a legal assistant, and gives piano lessons and does tutoring. But she’s trying to get her name off that registry so she get back to teaching full-time.

You can watch the whole interview here, if you want to spend some time doing that.

Um, I’m no lawyer (I only have a very basic understanding of the legal system from watching Harvey Birdman), but even if she gets her name off that registry, I’m pretty sure we all know the story of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, right? Unless there’s some elementary school somewhere that’s run by a bunch of people who spent the years between 1997 and 2005 in a coma, her future employers are still going to know.

Not to mention that her resume will have a giant 6 year gap in the middle of it that she’d have to explain. “Oh, that? I was on a personal growth retreat. At a compound. Run by the government. Where I spent a lot of time in solitary…meditation. Yeah, that’s it.“

Baron, the German Shepherd who is smarter than most humans, because he knows how to load a dishwasher.

Whenever I do some kind of household chore, I always glance at my chihuahua and see him lounging on his dog bed like he’s Marie fucking Antoinette while throwing me eyes that say, “You missed a spot, whore.” I’d get his lazy, lady of leisure ass to help out around here by taping little Swiffer pads under his paws so he can pick up dust while he walks, but the problem with that is that he doesn’t walk. If I put a Fitbit on him, that Fitbit would shut down from boredom after about an hour, because it would have zero steps to track. If only scientists could find a way to turn chihuahua snoring into sustainable energy.

But anyway, I watched this video at Buzzfeed yesterday and thought to myself that I really need to get me a German Shepherd, because they know how to earn their Snausages. Linda Gonzales, the owner of a pet training place in Oceanside, CA, tells HuffPo that teaching her service dog Baron how to help load the dishwasher wasn’t that hard since he’s smart in the brains. Unlike most humans, Baron doesn’t bitch and moan while doing it. Baron was only 6 months old at the time this video was filmed, so by now he’s probably scrubbing out baked-on bacon grease from pans with a Chore Boy. (Side note: Hmm… I think I just found a job for my dog. The next I need to clean a pan with baked-on bacon grease on it, I’ll just put it in front of my dog’s mouth. He’ll clean it before I finish blinking my eyes.)

Okay, yes, Baron’s technique gets a C- since he put those bowls in wrong, but still! This is your cue to Google “Where do I go to trade in my kids and piece for a German Shepherd?“

Nothing says “good morning” like a giant serving of memaw twat.

Madonna, meet your new idol and my new idol: 80-year-old Shirley Andrews, a true Hot Slut and fuck film star. While many grandmas spend their days attacking brats with switches and nibbling on caramel squares as they watch their stories, Horny Shirley loves to spend her days riding young peen and smearing Werther’s Originals-scented lube on her seasoned puss before riding yet another young peen. Shirley got into the porn game when she was 73 and she claims that she’s fucked around 1,000 dudes ranging in age from 18 and up. So yeah, look down at that spoon stuck in your microwave oatmeal. That’s what a close-up in one of Shirley’s porns look like and I know that because I may or may not have found one on Google.

Shirley was just one of the horny memaws featured on Nanna Love: Fifty Shades of Granny, which splattered against TV screens in the UK last night. Fifty Shades of Granny was their version of TLC’s Extreme Cougar Wives and it also starred former HSOTD Marjorie McCool and cougar hunter and porn star Kyle Jones. Kyle Jones is the pass around patty of the cougar world, because he’s done them all. Because he’s been in more grannies than a Fleet enema, Kyle Jones knows his nana ass and says that Shirley’s ass is his favorite. Shirley’s vagina should really be declared a national historical site.

Here’s the trailer for Fifty Shades of Granny and let me just remind you that these memaws are probably getting more dick than you:

Shirley is spending her Metamucil phase of life getting young dick, she could easily play Judge Judy in a porn parody and she has a pair of exquisite BIC pen eyebrows. If you’re still not convinced that she should be one of your heroes, the “Gangbang Queen” tattoo on her tit may seal the deal.

All hail the Gangbang Queen!

The topless Australian blossom of Google Maps!

And a new Australian hero has emerged in all her big tittied glory. Australia announced today that their new country flower is a delicate and demure, wide-petaled beauty named Karen Davis of Port Pirie. When a Google Street View mobile made the rounds in Karen’s neighborhood back in January, she did what everybody should do when they see that shit: she pulled up her t-shirt and gave a Flowers Gone Wild titty show as either her neighbors or family members nearly exploded with pride nearby.

Before Google uploads the pictures their Google Street View mobile takes, they pass the pictures through some software that blurs out faces, license plates and anything that may be offensive to human eyes like Justin Bieber, CROCs and a dog wearing tiny UGGs. (Note: When I was in NYC over the weekend, I saw a dog wearing what looked like pink UGGs and if my phone’s battery wasn’t at 19%, I would’ve called 911 to report that crime against caninity.) But when Google ran the picture from Karen’s block through their software, it blurred out the license plate and headlights on the car next to her but it didn’t blur out the high beams on her chest. After the cut is the uncensored NSFW screen shot of the new pride of Australia and her magnificent chichi gourds.

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