UPDATE: According to a note on her website, Joni is still in the hospital, but she’s not in a coma and is not close to twirling up to heaven.

Contrary to rumors circulating on the Internet today, Joni is not in a coma. Joni is still in the hospital – but she comprehends, she’s alert, and she has her full senses. A full recovery is expected. The document obtained by a certain media outlet simply gives her longtime friend Leslie Morris the authority – in the absence of 24-hour doctor care – to make care decisions for Joni once she leaves the hospital. As we all know, Joni is a strong-willed woman and is nowhere near giving up the fight. Please continue to keep Joni in your thoughts.

Here’s the original post:

Well, damn. Prayer circles were formed late last month when 71-year-old Joni Mitchell was found unconscious at her home in Bel Air, CA and was taken to UCLA Medical Center. The other day, I wondered how she’s doing and today I got my answer. The answer is: She’s in a bad, bad way.

The day after Joni went to the hospital, her rep said that she was in “good spirits” and was awake. A few days later, her Twitter account said she was resting comfortably and getting better each day. I’m not sure what happened between now and then, but TMZ says that she’s now in a coma and is responding to nothing. TMZ found out, because Joni’s friend of a million years, Leslie Morris, filed documents to become her conservator. Apparently, Joni has no close relatives who could take the role. The documents also say that Joni is “so impaired as to be incapable of being assessed.”

Joni’s rep hasn’t said anything about this yet. Joni’s official diagnosis isn’t known, but she has talked about having a condition called Morgellons (again, DO NOT GOOGLE THAT) and once said that years of smoking fucked with her singing voice.

QUICK! Somebody whisper the words, “Joni, they just greenlighted a biopic about your life starring Taylor Swift.” Maybe she’ll wake up to slap a trick hard.

And back to the prayer circle…

Ha! I bet even Lindsay Lohan’s reflection in the mirror is giving her “Sure, Jan” face right now. So, remember a few days ago when the Apricot Ashtray threw up a picture on Instagram of the words “You’re a donkey” in Arabic with the words “You’re beautiful“ incorrectly written underneath in English? Well, Lindsay wants you to know it was all just a joke and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with any of her Middle Eastern ‘business friends’ trolling her in real life. Lindsay tried to clear her name by Instagramming a picture of a Valentino purse she will no doubt later search for on Bag Borrow or Steal (“The third option is my favorite“) with the following caption:

“FYI- The funny thing is-the Arabic photo I posted was an inside joke w/friend to test my Arabic w/out Google translation. So, was already known what it was.”

Give me a second, I need to translate that from Confusing to English. But if it was just a joke, then why did she yank it down so fast after everybody called her out? Or why didn’t she write that in the first place? I have no idea. Understanding Lindsay Lohan’s brain isn’t something I have the mental strength to tackle today.

I know Lindsay is so determined to speak a bunch of different languages, but she really needs to pick one and get good at it before moving on. She can barely handle English! Not to mention her piss-poor American Sign Language skills; she clearly hasn’t learned anything beside the letter V. Forget new purses, bitch needs Rosetta Stone.

Here’s more of the aspiring English rose bouquet of dollar store silk flowers strolling around London on Thursday:

Pics: Wenn.com

The last time we checked on What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now?, the Apricot Ashtray was serving up some busted Photoshop by Salvador Dali skills in an Instagram selfie. Although technically, the last dumb thing she did was trying to deny Dina Lohan the chance of Celebrity Big Brother stardom, but that didn’t happen on the internet, so it doesn’t count (yes, I’m sure Dina later tried to mash her most sober hand against the screen of her iPad in an attempt to curse her out over Skype, but that’s neither here nor there).

Once again, Lindsay’s dumb thing happened on Instagram, but it didn’t involve taking the liquify tool to her body. On Monday, LiLo posted a picture of some Arabic writing with the words “You’re beautiful” in English below it.

The only problem is, the actual translation is “You’re a donkey”. Once freckles realized what happened, she yanked the pic. Frankly, I’m more shocked she spelled “you’re” correctly.

As far as I know, Lindsay Lohan only speaks two languages (English and Lying), so I can’t really swat at her for fucking up the translation of something. It happens! Google translate is a sneaky bitch who will steer you wrong every time. Do you know how many times I’ve tried to translate “I love you” into Polish, only to have one of my relatives inform me that, no, they don’t have access to a “wig plunger” or a “smiling kielbasa“? A lot. The answer is a lot.

But I wonder if she did actually mean “You’re a donkey.” Did she tag her father? It would make sense – he is an ass.

Here’s aspiring motivational Instagram speaker Lindsay Lohan serving up trampy real estate agent Barbie realness (I don’t hate it) while sashaying around London last week:

Pics: Instagram via Daily Mail, Splash

It’s that time of year again when I look at People Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful So And So” of the year and furiously do a Google search to make sure that Shauna Sand, Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Micaela Schäfer, Grace Jones, Detective La Toya Jackson, Joan Collins, Peaches and Cream Barbie, Rojo Caliente, Betty White, Bella Mia and Jocelyn Wildenstein are still alive. Because obviously the title winner won by default after all those stunning beauties died. But then I remembered that the title winner is just the client of the publicists who won a shank fight against other publicists in People’s break room.

People named Sandra Bullock as their most Beautiful Woman IN DA WORLD for 2015. But you know, Sandra Bullock’s publicists shouldn’t totally pat themselves on the taint for a job well done, because I’m surprised she hasn’t been on this cover before. I thought this cover was from 1997.

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Seen above serving up some pin-up Voldemort tease in a pair of super masculine black swim panties, 80-year-old Giorgio Armani let all the dudes know in an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine (via Towleroad) that if you see his picture after opening up Grindr near the Death Eaters’ lair, you better not message him if you’re full of muscle and not 100% masc. No fats, muscle marys or human men who get squeamish when a Slytherin sucks the life out of them during a salad tossing session. The Italian Oompa Loompa said that he doesn’t like it when a man dresses extremely homosexual and he also spat up a mini rant about muscles.

“A homosexual man is a man 100 per cent. He does not need to dress homosexual. When homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme – to say: ‘Ah, you know I’m homosexual,’ – that has nothing to do with me. A man has to be a man.

I don’t like muscle boy. Not too much gym! I like somebody healthy, somebody solid, who looks after his body but doesn’t use his muscles too much.”

Holy Google Translate HELL! That reads like my drunk ass translated it from Italian to English. And the only Italian I know I learned from the menu at the Olive Garden. But I still expect Elton John to lose his mind over this and boycott Giorgio Armani for a couple of hours.

I do love the line “homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme.” If I was an exhibit in a museum and the tour guide stopped in front of me as I was trolling PornHub in between writing a post about John Travolta as the Golden Girls played on the TV in front of me, they’d tell the museum goers, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is homosexuality exhibited to the extreme.” Actually, scratch that. The tour guide would say, “This is forever aloneness exhibited to the extreme.”

And is Giorgio Armani trying to destroy his company and make sales plummet? Is this all part of some insurance scheme? Because if he’s saying that men should only dress super manly and masculine, then he’s essentially saying that men shouldn’t buy the clothes he designs. I mean, he designed this super masculine ensemble (which I would totally wear to Smart + Final, by the way):

Pics: Splash, Attitude UK

WikiLeaks gathered us all around the Christmas tree yesterday and gave us the gift of thousands of emails from the Sony Hack that the government says North Korea was behind. WikiLeaks said they dropped all of the emails in a database on their site for the public to see, because the original archives were not searchable and so reporters were barely able to scratch the surface. Julian Assange said that this shit is extremely newsworthy and should be in the public domain. So they put all of the emails in a searchable database. It’s like Google’s gossiping auntie. WikiLeaks didn’t just spill the tea, they tipped over an entire Celestial Seasonings factory. Sony, of course, is spitting on WikiLeaks for bringing their private emails out in the open.

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