And I’m Still Saying, “What. The. Fuck.”
With 2016 being a never-ending violent diarrhea night terror, we all should’ve know it was saving this Defcon fuckery for its grand finale. (Although, we’ve still got around 2 months of this piece of trash year left…) Oh, 2016, you’re so cliché in your terribleness. I hit the snooze button so much this morning on my iPhone that I’m surprised Siri didn’t get pissed and scream, “Bitch, I’m sick of you poking at me, so just stay in bed, you lazy ass.” Every time my alarm went off, I hit snooze, looked at Twitter to see if maybe an oops was made and Jabba the Trump lost, and then I’d sigh and pull the sheets over my head again. But it’s real. And while the stocks dropped (for a minute) like my stomach when it was announced that Florida committed the ultimate act of Florida foolery by giving it to Trump, the makers of Xanax and Valium are probably going to have the best quarter ever. Congratulations to them!
Prince Hot Ginge Defends His Girlfriend Meghan Markle’s Honor Against The Tabloids And Racist Trolls
As Duchess Kate sat in her royal hair brushing salon (yes, she has one of those) at Kensington Palace this morning, she started to do the usual 100 brushes she does every day and when she got to 8, the rage inside of her boiled over and she slammed down her silver princess brush before screaming so loud that Prince George awoke from his deep slumber, sat up and thought, “Err, isn’t screaming my thing?” Duchess Kate knows she married the wrong British prince, because Prince William’s weak ass never defended her like this. She’s so going to switch Prince William’s hair growing vitamins with laxatives.
A quick second after everyone heard the rumor that Prince Hot Ginge betrayed my loyal heart (it’s okay, I still have my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Pillow Person) by getting serious with Rachel from Suits (government name: Rachel Meghan Markle), the tabloids got to work. The paparazzi stalked Meghan’s mom, The Sun allegedly got an interview with her half-sister (who called her a superficial fame whore), they got all Ancestry.com by writing about her ancestors and The Daily Mail shit out this wreck of a headline: Harry’s girl is (almost) straight outta Compton: Gang-scarred home of her mother revealed.
Since the rumor came out over a week ago, Meghan and the royals haven’t said anything, but Prince Hot Ginge had enough and this morning, he lifted his royal shield of honor to try to block the shit balls that the media and trolls are throwing at his lady love. The dusty DOS machine that operates my emotions is shaking and spitting out smoke, because it doesn’t know whether to swoon myself inside/out over PHG romantically defending his girlfriend or spit out rays of jealousy at Meghan over PHG romantically defending her.
Where Was Samuel L. Jackson When The People On This Flight Really Needed Him?
And now let me pull you away from the terrifying election news to give you some terrifying airplane news!
Now, many times when I’m on a flight, I pray for a girthy and long serpent to land on my face and help me pass the time. This is not the kind of girthy and long serpent I pray about. CNN and my own personal CNN called The Daily Mail both report that during an AeroMexico flight from Torreon to Mexico City, a stowaway trick dropped into the cabin, because you know, flying isn’t bad enough. The Daily Mail says that snake was a venomous green viper. While many passengers were probably hoping that snake wasn’t the baby and soon the mom was going to appear to swallow them all, I’m sure one passenger secretly hoped that snake would bite the bitch kicking their seat behind them.
Kim Kardashian Has Dropped Her Lawsuit Against MediaTakeOut
Because the motto on the Kardashian family krest is Sic Semper Attention, there were naturally some people who were a little skeptical about Kim Kardashian’s Paris robbery story earlier this month. MediaTakeOut.com was the loudest voice in questioning Kim’s version of what happened inside her Paris apartment and they suggested that she staged the whole thing and filed a false insurance claim. Kim responded by telling them to remove their slanderous stories, and when they didn’t, she filed a libel lawsuit again them. That worked for Kim, because her fight with MTO is over.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Rocky’s gold speedo from the original (and ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS) Rocky Horror Picture Show movie!
Deadline says that Fox’s The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do The Time Warp Again (“Let’s not.” – everyone) got a 3.4/5 rating (whatever that means) and that’s down 54% from the rating that Grease: Live! got. But millions of poor bitches, like me, still watched and I’m guessing that at least half of them called 911 while witnessing how Fox sucked every ounce of life out of Rocky Horror, kicked it in the asshole repeatedly, butchered it dead with a cleaver, shit and pissed on its corpse, buried it, pulled it out again and shit and pissed on it some more before shoving its soggy remains into the garbage disposal.
Joe Jonas Isn’t Sorry That He Outed Ashley Greene As His First
Last week, Joe Jonas did a Reddit Ask Me Anything, and during it he let everyone know who was the first lady to jump on the largest Jonas dick. Joe said that he lost his virginity to “this girl named Ashley” and added to “Google it to figure out which Ashley that is.” It was obvious he was talking about Twilight person Ashley Greene. You’d think Ashley Green would have been happy that so many people were searching her name in 2016, but she wasn’t.