In L.A. last night, the second largest gathering of Internet-famous pussy (the first being, the Brazzers holiday party) happened when Grumpy Cat, Colonel Meow, Oskar the Blind Cat, Nala Cat and Hamilton the Hipster Cat got together for charity. I hear that Lil Bub was supposed to appear but contract negotiations broke down, when the organizers refused to give her top billing, her own personal litter box and a wardrobe stipend.

All of these pussies look like they’d rather be tongue boning a Cockapoo than posing for a bunch of photographers, but they did it for charity and they mostly did it because they had no choice. When your human picks you up and drags you somewhere, you can either try to scratch their eyeballs out or you can roll your eyes while farting on their arm. They all went with the latter because the former takes way too much energy.

All these famous pussies went to the launch party, hosted by Angela Kinsey, for the Christmas video they star in for Friskies. Friskies put out a video called “Hard to Be a Cat at Christmas” and they promise they will donate 1 can of Friskies to a shelter and rescue organization for every view. But they’re only counting up to 500,000 views. Cheap fucks.

It is hard out there for a pussy during Christmas times. But you know who’s got it harder at Christmas? Human bitches who have to put their tree back together after a crazed pussy knocks it down.

And this video is incomplete without Spaghetti Cat (Never EVER 4get).

Pics: Wenn.com

Linda Grey as Sue Ellen Ewing
Charlene Tilton as Lucy Ewing
Willie Nelson
Barney Bush’s ghost
Chase from The A-List Dallas
Basement Baby
Gary Busey’s teeth
Shelley Duvall
Papa Joe Simpson
Brian Griffin
A chewed-up piece of deep fried butter

Those are all beauties who are either from Texas or affiliated with the state of Texas in some way and any one of them would be a better choice for the face of Chanel’s Paris-Dallas collection than emo-faced Kirsten Stewart. Kunty Karl debuted his Texas-inspired métiers d’art collection (whatever that means) at Dallas Fair Park last night and he also announced that his new muse is as dead inside as he is. Kunty Karl needs to switch the brand of children’s hair he’s smoking, because his new shit is obviously doing crazy things to his zombie brains. Okay, okay, maybe Kunty Karl chose Kristen Stewart, because she makes him look alive in comparison. And judging by the crap she wore to the show in Dallas last night, I think he might hate her more than he hates a fat, ugly  baby who eats food.

Really, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF GD OUTFIT IS THAT?!

That is the fanciest and ugliest period outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s giving me cramps in my eyeballs. This is some Orange is the New Barf shit. It’s like a cross between a leather prison jumpsuit (they wear that at the Kanye West State Penitentiary), a pair of RUN-DMC’s old pants and an orange biohazard waste trash bag.

And now that I think about it and have seen the tacky, ugly hoedown wear from the collection, I can’t wait to hate on this campaign when it comes out next year. Keep on trolling, Kunty Karl!

(Pic via Getty)

Earlier this month, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Tish Cyrus and Trace Cyrus went down into the “Miley 4 TIME’s Person of the Year” control center in the basement and used their fingers, toes, tongues, peen tips and hooves to vote for their hillbilly golden child over and over again. They tried it, but it’s the Catholic abuelitas who are doing the victory twerk today. Club bouncer turned super priest Pope Francis was chosen by editors as Miss TIME 2013. Pope Franny beat out Edward Snowden (second place), Edith Windsor (third place), Bashar Assad (fourth place), Ted Cruz (fifth place) and my personal choice La Vampy (first place in my heart). TIME called Pope Franny the “People’s Pope” and explained their choice like this:

But what makes this Pope so important is the speed with which he has captured the imaginations of millions who had given up on hoping for the church at all. People weary of the endless parsing of sexual ethics, the buck-passing infighting over lines of authority when all the while (to borrow from Milton), “the hungry Sheep look up, and are not fed.” In a matter of months, Francis has elevated the healing mission of the church—the church as servant and comforter of hurting people in an often harsh world—above the doctrinal police work so important to his recent predecessors. John Paul II and Benedict XVI were professors of theology. Francis is a former janitor, nightclub bouncer, chemical technician and literature teacher.

And behind his self-effacing facade, he is a very canny operator. He makes masterly use of 21st century tools to perform his 1st century office. He is photographed washing the feet of female convicts, posing for selfies with young visitors to the Vatican, embracing a man with a deformed face. He is quoted saying of women who consider abortion because of poverty or rape, “Who can remain unmoved before such painful situations?” Of gay people: “If a homosexual person is of good will and is in search of God, I am no one to judge.” To divorced and remarried Catholics who are, by rule, forbidden from taking Communion, he says that this crucial rite “is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak.”

Obvious choice is obvious. Whenever I see shit saying that Pope Francis is progressive and changing the face of the Catholic church, Oda Mae Brown takes over my body and I say, “You in danger, Pope.”

And when I saw that cover first thing this morning, I thought it was Alan Alda in a really hot outfit. That makes me ask: Why in the hell hasn’t Alan Alda ever been Person of the Year?!

I swear on my favorite tit that I’m not on the Kim Kardashian payroll, it’s just that this bitch is EVERYWHERE. Plus, she only pays 10% and I don’t get out of bed for less than 15 because someone needs to subsidize the high class lifestyle I lead that includes off-brand Nutella and twist-top wine.

Anyway, USWeekly‘s latest cover is Kim (no surprise) in a white bikini (even less of a surprise) with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge”, which is some well played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Reggie Bush packed up his dick and left!.

Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian”, but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him Shop-Vac her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geograhic’s anteater issue.

Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby???”, you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim as NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.

(Pic: USWeekly)

The SAG Award nominations were announced today and that’s my cue to make a dumb joke (“Isn’t it ALWAYS your cue to make a dumb joke?” – you) about how Lindsay Lohan’s tits took all the nominations. As I was skipping through thrilling pictures of Sasha Alexander and Clark Gregg at the nominations event this morning, my eyes stopped on the pear-shaped dent in the SAG statue’s nalgas. Don’t you just want to lay your head on it at the end of the day? It’s the perfect resting place for your woes. And yes, I’d hit that statue. My desperation knows no bounds.

The SAG Award nominations were announced in L.A. this morning and whores are screaming “SNUBBED!” at Robert Redford, Octavia  Spencer, Michael B. Jordan, Amy Poehler, Orange is the New Black and Kanye West not getting a nomination. Yes, the only whore screaming “SNUBBED!” about Kanye West not getting nominated is Kanye West and no, he wasn’t in any movies in 2013, but everybody knows that Kanye West should get a nomination for everything.

All of the nominations are after the cut and it looks like we’ll soon live in a world where Jordan Catalano will be up for an Oscar. If he gets the SAG, bitch better thank Rickie. Continue reading

It looks like Demi Moore’s plan to pass her pussay to anything that moved to get back at Ashton Kutcher for sticking his dinky into other people while they were married has backfired. You know what’s sad? Knowing we live in a world where revenge fucking no longer does that thing it do. What are brokenhearted sluts supposed to dry their tears on if not strange sacks and cracks? I’m not pointing fingers or anything, but this abject fuckery can probably be blamed on someone who’s name rhymes with “go llama“.

Radar says Demi took the 5-carat engagement ring Ashton gave her and sold it through a high end consignment jeweler for $250,000.

“Ashton broke her heart,” a friend of the actress told the magazine.

“Anything that reminds her of him makes her sad, and she wants to be happy.”

Potato Head, Tallulah and that other one who’s name I always forget- come get your mama and throw her ass in some remedial “how to get over a boy” classes. Put Allure’s “All Cried Out” on repeat, convince her to give up her raw food diet long enough to stuff a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia down her gullet and sit her ass in front of one of those relatable girl quote Tumblr pages until she sees enough life-affirming messages about not needing anybody but yourself until she starts loving herself again.

When she stops crying and starts getting pissed off, switch to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger”, burn everything related to Ashton that isn’t a piece of gaudy jewelry in the trash can and then TIE HER ASS DOWN. It’s only going to be a matter of time before Demi excuses herself to go the bathroom, throws off her bathrobe to reveal her go-to hoochie dress and climbs out the window and heads to a club where she’ll try to use her supersexy chicken ass dance moves to rope herself some new dick.