When Beck (who looked like Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) won the Album of the Year Grammy over the second coming of JESUS known as Beyonce, Kanye West gave us a repeat performance of his Swift-jacking at the 2009 MTV VMAs when he pretended to snatch that trophy out of the hand of one Xenu’s chosen children. My thoughts about that entire moment are best expressed through the look Prince (who presented Beck with that award) gave:

The truth is Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness threw that look when everybody stood up for him as he sashayed out to give the award for Album of the Year. That is a look that says, “You better stand up for this queen, you peasant homelies.” Beck should really be JAILED and FINED for not giving his trophy to the ethereal dandelion known as Prince for looking like an orange Fruit Roll-Up dipped in crystallized sugar. Prince deserves all the awards for looking like Prince.

Pics: Getty

I mean, when a dude who wore a Pee-wee Herman British schoolboy suit and performed a The Shining meets Grand Budapest Hotel version of “Happy“ throws you a side-eye of judgement, you know you deserve to be judged. The worst-selling Lalaloopsy doll known as Taylor Swift danced all through the Grammys because she knows that’s what you expect her to do and Pharrell threw her the side-eye all of us want to throw at her.

My nipples have never tingled for the Smooth Rat the way they’re tingling while seeing him throw a “Bitch, I see you trying to give Buzzfeed their ’10 Dance Moves That Taylor Swift Did During The Grammys’ list” look at Tay Tay.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Yes, Madge, pussy fuck that Minotaur’s elbow, because that’s truly living for love.

In case you’re like me and live in the land of yesterday where we have to wait for the Grammys when it airs here next fucking week or watch a live stream that looks like it’s being broadcast via AOL dial-up via 1998, here’s Madge serving up some ole-flavored latter day Mae West glamour while performing “Living For Love” at the Grammys tonight. I guess I now know what the ritual looks like where Madge sacrifices a virgin child to Lucifer’s minions to keep her face looking as tight as a fetus’ taint and to keep the six-pack on her labia lips muscled up. This is some Pink aerial acrobats meets Elsa Mars in American Horror Story: Freak Show.  When I’m 56 years old, I’ll be snorting Metamucil powder in between turning the garden hose on the brats running around my yard, so yes, this is a mess, but I can’t hate on it totally.

I would write a 10,000 word review of this performance, but why should I when the greatest poet of our time Khia put it best:

FYI: Madge is 56. Accidental shade courtesy of Khia.

And it’s up for you to decide if I meant that in more ways than one.

Leave it to a seasoned attention whore like Madge to show the young wannabe attention whores how to really leave your dignity in the car and cover yourself in sequined ridiculousness for maximum attention. When I turned on E!, the first thing I saw was Madge’s suffocating and pushed-up chichis and her looking like a chorus member of Take A Bow: The Burlesque Show. I guess looking like the dayshift emcee at a matador-themed strip club in Reno didn’t get Matardonna as much attention as she expected, because during the red carpet she lifted up her little skirt and gave us a view of her 56-year-old nalgas and the Spanx belt holding them up. Lourdes, that’s your mom!

I see Matardonna letting the bitches know that they’ll have to scrap their “But how did she wear Depends underneath that little outfit?” jokes.

The best part of Madge terrorizing the red carpet was when Ryan Seacrest interviewed her. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is what the interview looked like 80% of the time.

Madge kept her back to Ryan Seacrest almost the entire time and talked to the two dudes she was with. Madge knows that it’s not a good idea to look a shifty leprechaun in the eye and he probably didn’t mind, because he’d screech out of his lifts if he looked down and saw the lady nip that may or may not be poking out of Madge’s outfit.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty, @LuisVaporub

By that way, that Umlaut-topped O in Motörhead is also what everyone’s face looks like when they see the piping hot members of your mom’s favorite English rock band from the 70s. The O is your mouth opening wide to suck in all their hotness. They are everything Johnny Depp wishes he could be, but will never be.

The Grammys are tonight and if you live in the land of the past (aka the West Coast) like I do you’re probably cursing out those West Coast-hating bitches at CBS and the Grammys for once again not airing this mess live for us. It takes place in L.A., but we can’t see that shit live. How dreadful. CBS and the Grammys continue to be highly prejudiced against the West Coast. Everyone else gets to tear the Grammys apart and when it finally gets to us on the West Coast, we’ll have to pick at whatever meat is left on that carcass. The red carpet already started or I’d find a way to smuggle myself into the show in Ryan Seacrest’s stacked heels. I’ll have to settle for a live stream.

So here’s your Open Post and I hope you’re stretching out your eyeballs, because they will roll until their nerves go numb if Igloo Australia win Best Rap Album and they’ll probably roll out the door and into the gutter if Meghan Trainor wins anything. Mine are already pretty sore from rolling while watching E’s Giuliana Rancic introduce the new Clutch Cam, which has replaced the annoying Mani Cam. Yes, the Clutch Cam is a great idea, because celebwhores really want to let go of the purse that’s holding their prized possessions of the night (an 8-ball, a blunt, a morning-after pill and a penicillin shot just in case John Mayer hugs them).

UPDATE: Iggy Azalea did not win Best Rap Album (Eminem did), so this Grammys Open Post does not have to turn into an Apocalypse Open Post. Call off the locusts!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.

Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.

Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.

BEST FILM
Boyhood
Birdman
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
71
The Imitation Game
Paddington
Pride
Under the Skin

LEADING ACTOR
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel

LEADING ACTRESS
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

DIRECTOR
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

SUPPORTING ACTOR
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler

Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?

Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash