Banana, the kinkajou who broke into a Florida memaw’s house in Miami and took a nap on her chest.

The only things I wake up to are a hangover and my dog drooling on my arm while farting into my side. But in Florida, they always have to do it up Florida-style by waking up to cat monkeys of the rainforest. CBS Miami says that early Tuesday morning, a 99-year-old lady woke up to find a Banana on her chest and no, that’s not a sexy euphemism. Banana’s the name of the kinkajou who somehow made his way into a lady’s home and curled up onto her sleeping body. That sounds like the start of the weirdest Golden Girls episode ever…

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56-year-old Allison Janney says that she’s not going to marry her 35-year-old piece because she doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage. Translation: She’s having too much fun dropping her coochie on some young dick and she doesn’t want to ruin it with stupid marriage – Celebitchy

Beyonce may be 5 months knocked up and I won’t believe it until the second half of the Super Bowl game is cancelled because she announced her pregnancy during the halftime show and everyone was sent home to pray to our new chosen one – Lainey Gossip 

A source claims that Bravo is demanding that NeNe Leakes goes back to being a full-time cast mess of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. NeNe should go back for the check alone, because it’s obvious that she’s no longer a rich bitch since she’s wearing wigs she pulled out of Kim Zolciak’s trash can – Reality Tea 

A chick who wrongly accused Fist Brown of hitting her got naked on the Internet – The Superficial 

Some rugby player you’ve probably never heard of is most likely going to get fired for dry humping a dog and pissing on a chair at a party – Drunken Stepfather

And since my last two links have featured true A-list superstars, let’s keep it going with these pictures of Lea Thompson’s daughter in W Magazine – Hollywood Tuna 

Someone hates Diane Kruger and that someone is whoever made her wear that busted outfit – Popoholic

Well, well, well, another anti-gay lawmaker got caught trolling for dick and man ass on Grindr – Towleroad

Miley Cyrus confirmed that she’s going to work with Woody Allen by saying “fuck yeah” and “here I cummmmm” in an Instagram post. Yeah, when you find a homemade recipe for brain bleach, pass it to me, because I’m going to need a whole lot of that shit too – WWTDD

Behold, the key party coke den of my dreams! – Jezebel

Wonky McValtrex’s ex boyfriend’s nudes have supposedly leaked, but I don’t think it’s him. I mean, there’s no warts on the dick in those pics – Boy Culture

Matthew Perry doesn’t remember 3 seasons of Friends and I have him beat, because I barely remember all 10 seasons of it – Pajiba

Nikki Cox or Alyssa Milano with rubber lips? – SOW

Zayn Malik really didn’t want to be in the group that made him a multi-millionaire – Just Jared

But who cares about him when there’s some REAL British music news to announce: All Saints is reuniting! – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

Right this second in a nursery that’s covered with pictures of Tyra Banks, a brand new baby boy, who is wearing a onesie that is covered with Tyra Banks’ face, is making a confused look as his mother Tyra Banks tries to teach him how to smize. Ty Ty is not going to let him make his public debut until he successfully learns how to smile with his baby eyes. No child of hers is going to be seen in a picture without smizing.

Ty Ty announced on Instagram today that she and her man of 2 years, noted photographer Erik Asla (who sort of looks like a shrink wrapped Gordon Ramsay to me), are parents to a son who was born via surrogate. Tyra and Chrissy Teigen talked about their fertility issues on their now dead talk show FabLife. Chrissy is currently pregnant and now Tyra is somebody’s mother.

When I read the news and saw that picture of them, I figured the surrogate gave birth to an adorable tenhead with tiny arms and legs. But Tyra said in her Instagram post that the baby’s got her eyes and Erik’s chin. And surprisingly, Tyra didn’t name her son Tyro or Tyra, Jr.

The best present we worked and prayed so hard for is finally here. He’s got my fingers and big eyes and his daddy Erik’s mouth and chin. As we thank the angel of a woman that carried our miracle baby boy for us, we pray for everyone who struggles to reach this joyous milestone. York Banks Asla, welcome to the world.

York Banks sounds like the name of Carlton Banks‘ preppier and richer cousin who is his main rival at Princeton. And congrats to Tyra, Erik and York who better learn to smize like no other baby or he’ll be disowned!

Pic: Instagram

Yesterday, many of us said to ourselves, “I don’t remember dropping acid for lunch,” when it was announced that Joseph Fiennes is playing Michael Jackson in a British TV dramedy about a rumored road trip that La Toya’s brother took with Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 attacks. Stockard Channing is playing La Liz and Brian Cox is playing Brando and that seems about right, so brains spit out a question mark over Shakespeare playing MJ. I mean, the nose is all wrong.

Joseph Fiennes is out promoting some movie and Entertainment Tonight asked him about this fuckery. They also brought up how some people think it’s wrong that he, a white dude is playing Michael Jackson. Joseph had the same explanation a lot of people had, which is, “MJ was white!”

“I’m a white, middle-class guy from London. I’m as shocked as you may be.

[Jackson] definitely had an issue — a pigmentation issue — and that’s something I do believe. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. It’s a light comedy look. It’s not in any way malicious. It’s actually endearing.

It’s kind of off the wall, but the writing is a delight, and the kind of interaction between the three of them is funny, and also full of pathos. It’s people who are so iconic, but also can be detached. You know, you can get detached from society. So it’s examining that kind of wonderful and mad detachment.”

What the makers of this future peyote-infused train wreck should’ve done is just cast Tilda Swinton as all the roles. When you’re unsure, just cast alien nymph Tilda Swinton.

Pic: Wenn.com

I was going to file this under “A Check Is A Check,” but that muscled-up dork in a leather vest looks so naturally excited about Street Sharks that he’d probably peddle them for free.

The Internet pulled out this clip from 1994 of a 27-year-old Vin Diesel getting a nerd boner while hyping up Street Sharks at a toy fair. Vin already won my love by looking like he’s going to meet his bros at Rawhide afterward, but he really got me with his selling skills:

And I love the way he described Boomer as being a “round mound of pound” who has the “biggest mouth of them all” and loves to “tenderize.” Does anybody have Boomer’s Grindr name?

via Uproxx