Taylor Swift has a lot of titles like gazillionaire pop star, sole recipient of the Taylor Swift Award, self-proclaimed lightning rod for slut-shaming, leader of a squad of mostly skinny models and Dream Phone grand champion (I’m guessing), but there’s one title she probably isn’t happy about. Taylor is apparently worshipped as an Aryan goddess by a group of neo-Nazis on the Internet. One minute you’re the target of a Hitler quotes meme and posing next to a dude with a swastika on his shirt, and the next minute you’re the Aphrodite of white supremacy.

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Earlier this month, there was talk that Jay Z would be recording a follow-up/response album to Beyonce’s Lemonade. Then yesterday, we found out that they were maybe making a secret album together that may or may not be about Lemonade. In the meantime, Jay Z has gotten himself a little bit of attention by recording a song that mentions a certain refreshing lemon-based drink.

Last night, Jay Z released a remix of “All the Way Up” by Fat Joe and Remy Ma on Tidal. Seeing the words “by Fat Joe” in 2016 probably wouldn’t cause anymore than a low-energy shrug from most people. But everyone is talking about it today because Jay Z injected it with a potent dose of relevancy by rapping:

You know you made it
When the fact your marriage made it, is worth millions
Lemonade is a popular drink and it still is

You can listen to it here if you subscribe to Tidal. If not, then you can listen to a short clip of it at TMZ. Although you don’t exactly have to hear it with ears to know that “Lemonade is a popular drink and it still is” sounds like something that was written by an alien observing our species from the cold beverage aisle at Target.

Jay Z also might have doubled-down on the subtle stunt queening with what Entertainment Weekly thinks could be a vague-ish reference to Jay Z’s Met Gala elevator beat down by Solange. During a quick shout-out to Prince, whose catalogue is on Tidal, Jay Z says: “Prince left his masters where they safe and sound, we never gonna let the elevator take him down.” Usually I’d say that’s a bit of a stretch, but this Beyonce and Jay Z we’re talking about here. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a cut of him rapping “Let’s go crazy in love, party like it’s 2003, Bonnie and Clyde. Little red Corvette, Bey Bey you’re much too fast. Do you get that this is a reference to my wife yet?”

Pic: Splash

Since Whitney Houston’s estate popped the doody bubble that was the hologram that looked nothing like her, The Voice needed to replace that creepy duet with something, so they called in the country’s most wanted donut terrorist Ariana Grande!

Before Curly Sue (birth certificate name: Alisan Ann Porter) became America’s sweetheart once again by winning The Voice for Team Christina, her coach got into a screaming match with Ariana Grande. While dressed like a Televangelist Bratz doll, Ariana sang her new single “Into You” before going into “Dangerous Woman.” Everything was going fine until Xtina prowled out with hair that was supposed to say, “I was freshly fucked,” but instead said, “I was freshly jumped by a pack of raccoons who like to pull hair.” That hair is very “Beth Chapman after getting attacked by a swarm of bees.” That hair was a preview for the messiness that was about to go down.

After Xtina did her part, Ariana turned up the volume on her vocal cords and it became clear that it was about to become a battle of the yodels and the only casualties would be our eardrums. Ariana and Xtina trying to TKO each other with their belts starts off at around the 3:33 mark below:

Ariana Grande and Christina Aguilera teamed up on The Voice for Into You/Dangerous Woman! Incredible! ???? https://t.co/E1hx0F2FK3

— Shady Music Facts (@musicnews_shade) May 25, 2016

All those growls, runs and whooooos. It sounds like a brawl between a frog, a cat and an owl while sky diving. They sound how Xtina’s hair looks. That said, it was the performance of the night and I’d rather Xtina and donut hater fist me in the ears without lube by trying to outdo each other than listen to Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s duet again.

Because we’re on the subject of Grande messes, here’s hyper troll doll Frankie Grande in a denim onesie at a Disney event earlier this month:

Pics: Wenn.com

The last time we checked in on Ben Affleck’s heart, it was still beating for his sort-of estranged wife Jennifer Garner. Sadly, Ben’s heart has to compete with Ben’s dick, and it sounds like his dick wanted some blonde strange recently. According to the Miami Herald (via Lainey Gossip), a Miami Uber driver claims he picked up Ben Affleck and a young blonde woman on Sunday. Ben and Blondie were going from The Standard hotel to the Miami International Airport, and you’d think that a Ben who just left a hotel with a young blonde would be in a good mood, but yeah, no. He wasn’t.

The Uber driver, who swears that it was Ben Affleck, claims that Ben was “surly” and it was pretty obvious the two had been arguing. As for if it actually was Ben Affleck and not just some grouchy dude in a dirtbag beard, a source at The Standard confirms that he was there, but that he was using an alias and his visit was “very on the down low.” Now that I look at that picture above, it does look a little like Jennifer Garner is making a face that says she regrets ever showing Ben Affleck how to download the Uber app onto his phone.

I have no idea why Ben was in Miami or what he was doing with some random blonde. Well, actually – I think I can guess what he was doing with the blonde. I also have no idea what they were arguing about when they got in that Uber, or if it even happened at all. For now, let’s just assume it did, and it was because Ben wouldn’t fork over the $500 to upgrade her ticket from coach to first class. “Excuse me? The Nanny gets a Lexus, and I get an aisle seat back in row 36? That’s right beside the toilet. My hair is going to smell like mile-high shit. Fuck you, Reindeer Games.”

Pic: Splash

I said I wanted tap water, not tap-that-ass water! – Shadeball

Upvote winner:

Michael K’s mother FINALLY found a way to get her son to drink more water! – perky

Pic: Uber Humor 

The puckering bleached moon anus in the background of  Conan O’Brien’s set! 

The other day, Dan Savage tweeted a highly important question while watching Bill Hader on Conan. Dan Savage asked: “Is it just me… or is there a butthole floating over Bill Hader’s head?” Now, usually I see everything as a peen. “Michael, look at this pretty orchid my boyfriend bought me.” That looks like a dick! “Michael, look at that cloud in the sky that looks like a flying Snoopy.” That looks like a burrito dick lying on top of a taquito dick! “And here’s your surf and turf entree, sir.” That looks like a dick wearing a full-length peach puffy coat and a dick wearing a steak like a cape!

But when Dan Savage tweeted that pic, my eyes totally registered the sight of a hungry, hungry asshole trying to suck off Bill Hader’s head. Because I’m a 13-year-old boy whose raging hormones just kicked in, I Googled for more pictures of Conan’s moon b-hole and found this:

As one of Dan’s followers points out, the scientific name for the moon’s power bottom anus is actually the Tycho crater and it doesn’t totally look like an asshole in other pictures (it looks like a dick). But the drawing of the moon on Conan’s set will forever look like it has a wrinkled lunar butt flower to me. If Conan ever has proud booty eater Kevin Gates on, the staff better cover up that moon or they’ll have to pry Kevin’s tongue off of it.