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Pic: Tosh.0

Zeke Smith from Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X! 

Survivor started up against last night, and at the beginning of the episode, Jeff Probst welcomed the cast to the 33rd season. 33 SEASONS. I have watched every single season, which means I’ve watched hundreds upon hundreds of episodes, which means I’ve spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours watching Survivor, which means I have something to say if anyone ever asks me what I’m most proud of in life. I now get to say, “Well, I’m glad you asked that. I’m most proud of the fact that I have spent hundreds of hours watching Survivor. I’ll give you a second to recover from the overcoming emotion of impressiveness you’re currently feeling.”

For the 33rd season of Survivor (33, seriously!), they pit Millennials against Gen Xers, so basically it’s whiny young bitches vs. bitter old bitches. Going in, I really thought that my favorite cast member would be a Gen Xer, but my favorite so far is a Millennial who doesn’t really think he’s a Millennial. You won’t find him trying to make an iPhone out of a coconut after he finds himself severely strung out from not being able to Snapchat.

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Catherine Oxenberg (55)
Tom Felton (29)
Rima Fakih (31)
Tatiana Maslany (31)
Godfrey Gao (32)
Laura Vandervoort (32)
Katie Lowes (34)
Billie Piper (34)
Daniella Alonso (38)
Mireille Enos (41)
Matthew Rush (44)
Chris Tallman (46)
Mystikal (46)
Bonnie Hunt (55)
Scott Baio (56)
Tai Babilonia (57)
Andrea Bocelli (58)
Joan Jett (58)
Nick Cave (59)
Johnette Napolitano (59)
Debby Boone (60)
Shari Belafonte (62)
Toni Basil (73)
Tommy Lasorda (89)

Pic: ABC

John Mayer is the latest famous trick to try to build a lifestyle brand, because everybody (read: nobody) has been begging for a lifestyle brand from John Mayer. He’s starting his lifestyle brand by selling jewelry including that $125 piece that’s either an overpriced beaded necklace or an overpriced string of tiny anal beads   – Lainey Gossip

If the outside of the It’s A Small World ride at Disneyland was a dress, it’d look like what Emily Blunt is wearing – Celebitchy

I hope Porsha Williams doesn’t get hit with the Real Housewives IRS curse and finds her new house getting seized after she doesn’t pay her taxes – Reality Tea 

Jessica Simpson’s dress is very Contempo Casuals meets Judy Jetson – Drunken Stepfather 

Anthony Weiner may have out-grossed and out-dumbed himself, which is a special feat at this point – The Superficial 

Oh, Stella Maxwell’s nip just wanted to breathe in some fresh night air – (NSFWish) The Nip Slip

Lady Gaga’s new video is what I imagine what Coachella would look like if you got high on bath salts – Towleroad

Shailene Woodley did Oktoberfest – Egotastic! 

Joss Whedon has finally delivered a campaign ad that is relevant to my interests by promising Mark Ruffalo dick if Trump loses – Pajiba

Okay, Bella Thorne – Popoholic

Robert Pattinson came between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – SOW

That howling coyote pup sounds like me trying to sing a Mariah Carey song in the car – Hollywood Tuna

The tabloids want us to think that Calvin Harris is cleansing himself of Taylor Swift by doing everyone – IDLYITW

Michael Strahan admits that he and Kelly Ripa probably aren’t friends anymore – Popsugar

He could be a farmer in those clothes – Just Jared

Pic: John Mayer

I didn’t think she would, but Marion Cotillard has decided to drop a farté (that’s French for fart, right?) on the rumors that she boned Brad Pitt while shooting Allied and that she’s got a Pitt baby growing in her womb. Marion did confirm in an Instagram post that she’s knocked up, but said that the father of her second baby is her piece of 9 years Guillaume Canet. The Daily Mail said that Marion was “distressed” about the rumor, but she says she really doesn’t give one fuck and left a special note for the “haters.” Yes, today I learned that Oscar-winner Marion Cotillard uses the word “haters” and is serious when she uses it.

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Yesterday, my thoughts and prayers were with the president of the West Coast chapter of the Brangeloonies, Chelsea Hander, because I know that Brangelina is her favorite couple in the history of love. Chelsea has said time and time again that Angelina Jolie has a wonderful soul, a kind spirit, is a girl’s girl and she wishes they were best friends. So I just knew that all day yesterday, Chelsea was probably crying out hot vodka tears while she lay in the fetal position on her bathroom floor and punched at the sky as she screamed, “Why, God, why?!” (Side note: I’m jealous of Chelsea’s dog, because I wish I could get drunk for free by licking up her vodka tears.)

I thought that Chelsea would need to take a lengthy sad-bbatical to deal with the break-up of Brangelina, but she somehow pulled her emotions together and was able to shoot an episode of her Netflix show. As her dried and chapped tear ducts quivered (since she already cried out all the liquid in her body), Chelsea gave a heartfelt eulogy for Brangelina. And of course, I mean the opposite of all of that since Chelsea hates St. Angie more than she’d hate getting eaten out by a piranha with an overbite.

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