Upvote winner:

Pic: Izismile

Pete Parkkonen, the yodeling sex god of Finland!

I doubt that your loins have fully recovered from quivering themselves raw while watching #SaltBae sensually salt a big piece of meat, and it doesn’t look like they’re going to fully recover anytime soon thanks to today’s crotch seizure-inducing HSOTD. Pete Parkkonen sounds like the Finish version of Peter Parker and well, he will make ALL of your senses tingle with hot day-shift Chippendale’s dancer moves, fuck-me eyes, greasy nipples and luscious Fabio mane.

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Orlando Bloom (40)
Natalia Dyer (20)
Tyler Henry (21)
Liam Hemsworth (27)
Beau Mirchoff (28)
Julian Morris (34)
William Hung (34)
Ginger Zee (36)
Jill Wagner (38)
Ross McCall (41)
Michael Peña (41)
Nicole Eggert (45)
Atoosa Rubenstein (45)
Shonda Rhimes (47)
Traci Bingham (49)
Patrick Dempsey (51)
Penelope Ann Miller (53)
Trace Adkins (55)
Julia-Louis Dreyfus (56)

Matthew Bourne (57)
Janet Hubert (61)
Jay McInerney (62)
Richard Moll (74)
Nick Clooney (83)
Rip Taylor (83)
Frances Sternhagen (87)

Pic: Andy Gotts/TimeOut

Behold, possibly the first pap picture of Taylor Swift taken in 2017. And who knew that “laughing at Tom Hiddleston’s cringeworthy Golden Globes speech” is an exercise that will make your chichis bigger – Lainey Gossip 

I hope that Leah Remini’s mission to get Scientology stripped of its tax-exempt status comes true and I hope that cameras are recording David Miscavige when he finds out. Because I want to see his head pop off in a rage and fly through the universe to his home planet – Celebitchy

Kristen Bell should’ve worn that ensemble to the Golden Globes instead – Drunken Stepfather

LOVE Magazine still doesn’t know what “advent” means and I guess that’s good news for everyone who’s into Kate Upton’s magnificent chichis – The Superficial

It looks like the rug section at Pier 1 Imports had a fight on Emma Stone’s body – Popoholic

Watching animals react to snow the same way the Lohans react to a pile of coke never gets old – Hollywood Tuna

FYI: The third Hemsworth brother’s ass looks like this – OMG Blog

Here’s Julianne Hough doing her daily workout (aka walking for the paps she called) – IDLYITW

Will Smith may be in Tim Burton’s Dumbo movie and no, he’s not in talks to play the title role – Pajiba

Kiss slut Andrew Garfield drew the line at kissing Kelly Rippa – SOW

Ryan Murphy says that Feud isn’t going to be campy, but I’m still marking down March 5th as Camp Christmas – Popsugar

2017 isn’t starting off so bad after all – Just Jared

Pic: Pacific Coast News

Charlie Sheen has a direct-to-TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families, which I’ve learned isn’t a documentary about the people who receive his child support checks. It’s appropriate that Charlie is promoting a movie with the word “mad” in the title, because Charlie is still very mad at Rihanna for that time she wouldn’t wave him and his ex-fiancée Brett Rossi over to her table at a restaurant. He also had something to say about Jenny McCarthy, Selma Blair, and Jennifer Grey. You leave Baby out of this, Charlie!

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Congratulations to the late great Flossie Dickey for easily winning Round One of the Hot Slut of 2016 semi-finals. The nap and whiskey-loving hero of our time got 43% of your votes and will go on to the grand finals. Flossie died in November and so I’m sure she’s in heaven celebrating her victory and by that I mean napping in a giant Jack Daniels bottle. Now on to Round Two!

Round Two is another weird potpourri of hotness that includes (UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who pointed out the fact that I’m brain dead and skipped Miss July, Joyce Beatty. She will be in Round 3. I’m sick, so blame it on the Theraflu. But then again, I’d totally make that dumb mistake while not on Theraflu.)

May – Zeus, the Siberian Husky who got his 15 seconds of internet fame when his human filmed him throwing a howling tantrum after he was told to get out of the bathtub. Zeus and that bathtub shall never be parted. When I showed my mom Zeus’ video, she wondered if maybe there’s something under that tub like a dead body and he’s trying to tell his humans that. So yeah, my mom really knows how to push a cute animal video into the darkside.

June – The Naked Rebel Sunbather of Russia, the chick who became an overnight naked idol when she continued to bathe her naked body in the sun’s rays even after the jealous biddies in the neighborhood complained and started a petition against her. Whenever I’m feeling down and need some inspiration to keep me going, I think of the naked chick in Russia who puts her bare ass on the windowsill and doesn’t care if those bitches use a slingshot to hit her nalgas with rocks.

August– Pita Taufatofua, the breakout and oiled-up star of the Summer Olympics who won a gold medal for causing a million panty cream geysers when he strut through the Opening Ceremonies with his wet nipples out.

September – Bernice Starnes, the leader of the Not The One Gang’s Bronx chapter who only had sweet words to say about the lady who snatched her purse from her as she sat in her wheelchair in front of her apartment building. Bernice told the local news that she hopes her purse snatcher gets beat up in prison and she became my go-to spiritual advisor when she said, “I’m supposed to feel sorry for that bitch? I don’t!”

Voting is below and the winner of Round Two will be announced on Monday!

Pics: YouTube, news.ngs.ru, Getty, DNAinfo