How does that old song by JoJo go? “It’s just too little too late!” which is probably what Gisele Bundchen began singing after hearing her ex-husband Tom Brady will make good on his retirement promise the next time those words ever drip from his lips. Because when he said it before it was followed by a huge “PSYCH!” as he went on to tarnish his legacy (and his marriage) with one of the worse decisions in NFL history. Tom’s struggles have been heavily documented all season long, and though his fanboys will still say he’s the greatest ever to touch a pig skin since Kermit the Frog, he is finally admitting that the words “I’m retiring” should only be broken out when you’re actually going to retire.

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21-year-old Billie Eilish thinks her 31-year-old boyfriend, Jesse Rutherford, is the hottest “fucking fucker alive,” but many of her fans DO NOT like that she’s dating a man who is a decade older than her and who’s known her since she was 15. And it’s not just Billie who gets blowback; her brother, 25-year-old Finneas O’Connell, also seems to get roasted by the youth for the choices of his adult sister. He even dove into one’s comment section to defend Billie.

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At the dawn of 2022, Whoopi Goldberg started her year by catching a ton of well-deserved flack for arguing on The View that the Holocaust wasn’t about race–because she didn’t consider “Jewish” a race– but it was actually just about “how people treat each other.” And after a tsunami of eye-rolls, she embarked on a weak apology tour. Although one would think that her largest takeaway from that whole experience is that she should never open her raspy mouth-hole about the Holocaust again, she did. But while Whoopi’s comments in a recent interview looked like she was back on her “Jewish isn’t a race/the Holocaust was white on white crime” bullshit, she issued another apology and said she was only reflecting on her thought process when she made the original controversial comments.

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When it comes to making sure everything is as basic and plain as possible, there is no one greater than Kim Kardashian. Although Kim doesn’t mind shocking the masses with BDSM clothing options for the entire family, she draws the line at bold choices when it comes to the people who work for her. As all the makers of basic bitch beige paint know, Kim’s house is as void of personality as she is. But Kim is very generous with her selections from the limited edition box of Crayola’s Sexy Shades of Shale, and it’s a decision she claims they were more than happy to embrace.

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Waffle House Girl!

It feels like in the early aughts and 2010s, the internet ran on diner brawl videos. I mean, one of my favorite lines to come out of the 2010s was the poetic line, “Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me,” which gracefully lept out of a woman’s mouth during a late-night fight over sharing the syrup at a Denny’s. Listen, one of the most chaotic equations is: drunk messes + late night + hunger + carbs. Put those things together, and sometimes it equals FIGHT NIGHT. Case in point: recently, at a Waffle House in Austin, TX, a brawl between customers and employees broke out, and usually, that wouldn’t even make me blink. A Waffle House brawl is an hourly thing! But this fight got a lot of attention thanks to Waffle House Girl, the employee who should really be called Waffle House Warrior for how she easily caught a flying chair that was threatening to hit her face. It was clearly not her first time at the Waffle House Brawl Rodeo.

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