You really have to hand it to Jennifer Lopez, and no, by “it,” I’m not talking about a robe so her ass can cover up. I’m talking about the uncomfortable and dangerous lengths she goes to while trying to show us that she’s 47 years old and her body’s hot, dammit. That bedazzled art deco volleyball net that she tried to pass off as a dress looks so damn tight that I bet after her minions cut her out of it, its pattern was embedded deep into her skin. Not to mention that JLo’s coochie was probably cringing and bracing itself because one false move and one of those sparkly black licorice strips would poke it (see: the crotch closeup in the gallery below). That shit looks like it hurts, but I’m always impressed at how JLo delivers massive amounts of demureness at any cost!
At last night’s Billboard Latin Music Awards in Miami, JLo showed up looking like a really glamorous set of tires ran over her a bunch of times. Yes, that dress looks like something a Kartrashian wore two years ago and it screams, “Hook me up to an IV drip full of fluids since I’m six kinds of thirsty,” but I’m still into it since looking like a sexy crochet craft project IS the look.
And from now on, we shouldn’t cut up plastic six pack rings and throw them in the trash. We should them to JLo instead. She’ll bedazzle them, glue them onto her body and wear that shit to an awards show. See, JLo’s thirstiness can save the lives of sea creatures!
I don’t know, what’s faster than the speed of sound? Whatever it is, there’s officially a new measure of speed, and that’s the speed at which Jennifer Lopez and A-Rod are moving with their relationship. JLo and A-Rod have officially been dating for less than a month, and now a source tells UsWeekly that she might be thinking about making him husband #4.
“They’ve been talking about the future and, of course marriage has come up. They aren’t making wedding plans, but they have been talking about their lives…They have a lot in common and the same interests. It’s going well so far. They are both hoping this goes the distance.”
The source says that JLo’s mom Guadalupe Rodriguez and her sister Lynda Lopez are also into her new boyfriend. Guadalupe and Lynda think A-Rod is “very charming” and good to JLo. The source adds that JLo hasn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time (single tear rolls down Drake’s face), and that “they are very excited for her.”
A-Rod’s family is also into their relationship. Last month, A-Rod’s sister posted a selfie with JLo on Instagram and captioned it with “#miscuñis” (sister-in-law). The source says that their families love them together and that they’re a “perfect match.” No, literally – they match their photo-op outfits perfectly.
So J-Rod could be heading down the aisle. That’s probably why JLo’s mom was caught making a panicked face when they all hung out together last weekend. She wasn’t shocked at how fast things were moving; she was just overwhelmed at the prospect of shopping for her latest mother-of-the-bride dress. “I’ve already done dusty rose, pewter, and seafoam – honey, I’m running out of colors!”
TMZ says that after less than a month of dating and a couple weeks after hitting up the Bahamas, JLo has introduced A-Rod to her mama, Guadalupe Rodriguez. Even speed-stunter Drake is thinking, “Damn girl, slow down before you pull a muscle.”
JLo, A-Rod, and her mom all hung out together in NYC yesterday. That’s Guadalupe’s bright purple arm in the back behind JLo. How rude! Who cares about JLo and A-Rod getting “accidentally” caught by the paps holding hands during a Sunday stroll? Thankfully, TMZ got a better pic of her.
Jennifer Lopez Introduces Her Mom to A-Rod (PHOTOS + VIDEO) https://t.co/V0u6ZB92gj
— TMZ (@TMZ) April 2, 2017
Later that evening, JLo and A-Rod went to dinner in the West Village. Sadly, no Guadalupe. You blew it, A-Rod! You only get once chance at a first impression, and that’s how you do it? With a group photo-op? If you really wanted to impress JLo’s mama, you would have pulled out all the stops. Guadalupe didn’t get dressed up in her Burlington Coat Factory best just for a pathetic little pap walk. Guadalupe deserved a fancy dinner last night too. And after dinner, she should have been whisked away to the club of her choice, be it dance, night, or strip. Love may not cost a thing to JLo, but I refuse to believe that impressing a woman like Guadalupe comes cheap.
He has a new album already? Didn’t he just drop a concept album about the CN Tower? Drake debuted a new playlist yesterday called “More Life.” It’s got a whole bunch of new tracks and he admits to drunk-texting ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lopez in one of them. It turns out that JLo immediately changed her number after she ended things with Drizzy and his wheelchair. Ugly sweaters – out of phone and out of mind!
There’s a reason why Drake seems to be cuddling up to ex Nicki Minaj’s gigantic buttock implants lately via Instagram and diss track cameos. As speculated earlier last week, Jennifer Lopez has put the brakes on Wheelchair Jimmy and moved over to the man that’s had just about every proud celebrity slut in the game in his bed – A-Rod!
Page Six reports that JLo and her Rod were snapped getting up in each other’s personal space in the Bahamas on Friday night.
“You mean their publicists have scheduled in a break for them?” thought anyone who has never for a moment believed these two were actually dating. It looks like the seeds that were planted last week have sprouted.
Multiple sources have told UsWeekly that whatever the hell was going on between Drake and Jennifer Lopez has been put on ice for the moment. One source says things have “died down a bit“, whereas another source claims they’re done. At least for right now. But who knows what will happen when it comes time to promote that song they recorded together. Even JLo has been vaguely hinting on social media that they’re over. But remember, there’s a chance they’re not over over.
The right reasons could be many things. Like true love! Or publicity. Or attention. There’s really no wrong answer here.
Don’t cry for the end of JLo and Drake’s relationship just yet. It sounds like they’ve already got a reconciliation worked out. Drake is currently in Europe on his Boy Meets World Tour. Both of UsWeekly’s sources seem confident that Drake will likely “pursue” JLo when he returns to Los Angeles at the end of March. If I was in charge of Drake and JLo’s relationship, I would probably plan for the paps to “catch” JLo holding a sign that says I MISS U outside the arrivals gate of LAX for Drake on the day he returns home. Maybe choreograph something small, like having Drake run to JLo, pick her up in his beefy arms, and twirl around until every photographer has gotten a couple hundred clear shots of their touching moment.