We all know A-Rod loves cheating, so it was really only a matter of time before someone started whispering that he might be working his sneaky cheater game on JLo. According to The National Enquirer (via Page Six), A-Rod might not be as committed to JLo as we have been led to believe.
I find the best way to humanize famous people is to remember that famous people sit on a toilet and pee and poo like the rest of us. There’s no getting around it. The only difference is, when they use a public bathroom they sometimes do it in a fancier way than we do. For example, Jennifer Lopez doesn’t wait in a long line for the bathroom with her kegel muscles clenched with more pressure than a hydraulic press.
According to Page Six, JLo had to use the bathroom at the Robin Hood Foundation Benefit in NYC on Monday. A witness claims four security guards closed it down so JLo could have complete privacy. There was a huge lineup outside the ladies’ room, which caused everyone to speculate who was inside. They finally figured out it was JLo when they saw her possible future husband A-Rod loitering off to the side checking his phone.
Once JLo strolled out, security opened the bathroom to the general public again. JLo and A-Rod’s security wasn’t just for the bathroom; a source claims they were surrounded by security all evening to prevent them from getting mobbed by people.
Another source, commenting on the private bathroom situation, added: “It’s really awkward when someone asks for a selfie when you walk out of a toilet stall.” That’s true, but it’s still less awkward than realizing there’s no toilet paper mid-piss and yelling out to your security team to hook you up with some Charmin. That’s the benefit to having someone on the other side of the stall in the ladies’ room; you just put your hand under the stall whisper “Hi…uh…” and your stall sister will come through.
Last month, a rumor started – by whom I have no idea (cough her publicist cough) – that Jennifer Lopez and A-Rod were “talking” about get married after a few months of dating. Then almost six whole weeks went by without a peep about their possible future wedding plans. The good news is we have an update. A source tells E! News that J-Rod’s marriage talks have been upgraded from “casual” to “serious.”
“JLo and A-Rod are getting very serious and talking marriage. JLo wants a future with A-Rod. JLo would marry A-Rod if he asked. She is head over heals for him. They get each other in so many ways. They are perfect for each other. Their families love how they are together.”
Who even knows if JLo actually wants to make A-Rod her fourth husband, or if it’s just fun to keep us guessing. The only way we’ll really know for sure is if she’s seen coming out of a Barnes & Noble with a stack of those 10lb bridal magazines. There’s no way she’d buy them for show; keeping a marriage rumor going isn’t a good enough reason to risk dislocating a shoulder.
Speaking of weddings, here’s JLo looking like an attention-hungry maid of honor at the NBC Upfronts in New York City on Monday.
The last time we saw Jennifer Lopez at an event, she was a few unsecured pieces of fashion tape away from flashing her bits. The only way JLo could top herself would be if she showed up to the Met Gala wearing a gown made entirely out of nude illusion fabric and a warning before she walked down the red carpet. Instead, she took a night off from being aggressively sexy (don’t take it personally, sexy) and showed up to the Met Gala in a neck-to-floor Valentino.
You really have to hand it to Jennifer Lopez, and no, by “it,” I’m not talking about a robe so her ass can cover up. I’m talking about the uncomfortable and dangerous lengths she goes to while trying to show us that she’s 47 years old and her body’s hot, dammit. That bedazzled art deco volleyball net that she tried to pass off as a dress looks so damn tight that I bet after her minions cut her out of it, its pattern was embedded deep into her skin. Not to mention that JLo’s coochie was probably cringing and bracing itself because one false move and one of those sparkly black licorice strips would poke it (see: the crotch closeup in the gallery below). That shit looks like it hurts, but I’m always impressed at how JLo delivers massive amounts of demureness at any cost!
At last night’s Billboard Latin Music Awards in Miami, JLo showed up looking like a really glamorous set of tires ran over her a bunch of times. Yes, that dress looks like something a Kartrashian wore two years ago and it screams, “Hook me up to an IV drip full of fluids since I’m six kinds of thirsty,” but I’m still into it since looking like a sexy crochet craft project IS the look.
And from now on, we shouldn’t cut up plastic six pack rings and throw them in the trash. We should them to JLo instead. She’ll bedazzle them, glue them onto her body and wear that shit to an awards show. See, JLo’s thirstiness can save the lives of sea creatures!
I don’t know, what’s faster than the speed of sound? Whatever it is, there’s officially a new measure of speed, and that’s the speed at which Jennifer Lopez and A-Rod are moving with their relationship. JLo and A-Rod have officially been dating for less than a month, and now a source tells UsWeekly that she might be thinking about making him husband #4.
“They’ve been talking about the future and, of course marriage has come up. They aren’t making wedding plans, but they have been talking about their lives…They have a lot in common and the same interests. It’s going well so far. They are both hoping this goes the distance.”
The source says that JLo’s mom Guadalupe Rodriguez and her sister Lynda Lopez are also into her new boyfriend. Guadalupe and Lynda think A-Rod is “very charming” and good to JLo. The source adds that JLo hasn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time (single tear rolls down Drake’s face), and that “they are very excited for her.”
A-Rod’s family is also into their relationship. Last month, A-Rod’s sister posted a selfie with JLo on Instagram and captioned it with “#miscuñis” (sister-in-law). The source says that their families love them together and that they’re a “perfect match.” No, literally – they match their photo-op outfits perfectly.
So J-Rod could be heading down the aisle. That’s probably why JLo’s mom was caught making a panicked face when they all hung out together last weekend. She wasn’t shocked at how fast things were moving; she was just overwhelmed at the prospect of shopping for her latest mother-of-the-bride dress. “I’ve already done dusty rose, pewter, and seafoam – honey, I’m running out of colors!”