When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever sat on the subway unless I was plastered. (“So what you’re saying is that you always sat on the subway?” – you) My legs still work good and I mostly sit on my ass all day, so I always felt like I was the last person who needed to sit. But there are some able-bodied hos who sit like they’re protesting something and if a 9-month pregnant blind woman on crutches with twins in a baby Bjorn on her back and groceries balancing on her head hobbled on in, they’d still stay sitting. Olivia Wilde took the subway in NYC yesterday and when people didn’t give up their seat for her, she crop dusted them with pregnant farts on Twitter.
Grab a pencil or slip off your Avon Wrist-Writer, because it’s time to add yet another name to April’s ever-growing list of pregnant famous people. Joining Megan Fox, Blake Lively, and Eva Mendes in the “My body’s got another baby growing in it” club is Olivia Wilde. Pop a bottle of sparkling breast milk and celebrate!
Olivia announced that Jason Sudeikis had knocked her up a second time by throwing up a picture of her and their almost 2-year-old son Otis to Instagram with the caption: “Matching baby bumps.” Olivia and Jason’s rep also confirmed it to People. When asked for comment, the Xander Jones Daddy Truthers replied that they can’t wait to meticulously cross-reference a new set of baby pictures.
I have mentioned before that there’s no celebrity baby name more challenging for my lispy ass to say than Otis Sudeikis. So my mouth will be playing on expert-level if Olivia and Jason name this next baby something like Thaddeus or Stacy. With that being said, Thaddeus and Stacy aren’t nearly Brooklyn-y sounding. If they really want their kids to sound like the future owners of a cold-brewed small-batch coffee company, they’re going to want to go with something like Gus or Hazel. But really, who cares? They’re obviously going to pay tribute to the cutest inter-species buddy adventure ever made by naming this next baby Milo.
Here are some pictures of Olivia on a beach in Hawaii yesterday. Even though I know for a fact that she’s pregnant, I’m still looking at these pics like “I dunno, maybe it’s just the overalls.” Overalls will always make you second-guess yourself with their wide angles. That’s some denim trompe l’oeil trickery.
Hiring actresses who are young enough to remember when they still had an umbilical cord as the love interests for dudes who are old enough to start shopping around for plastic hips is a fairly common practice in Hollywood. I’m no industry insider, but I’m pretty sure that once an actress hits 30, she’s given an AARP pamphlet and a basket of Botox coupons with a card thanking her for her service.
For example, about a year ago, 38-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal admitted that she was once told she was too old to play the love interest of a 55-year-old. And now Olivia Wilde is chiming in with a story about being told she’s too old of her own. During an interview with Howard Stern (via UsWeekly), 32-year-old Olivia says that she auditioned for, but didn’t get, the role of Leonardo DiCaprio’s hot girlfriend-turned-wife Naomi in The Wolf of Wall Street back in 2012. According to Olivia, the reason she was given for why she didn’t get the part was because she was “too sophisticated.”
At the time, Olivia was flattered, because really, who would take “too sophisticated” as anything but the highest of compliments? Especially someone who was only 29. However, Olivia says she later found out that “too sophisticated” was Hollywood casting agent code for “too fucking old.”
The role eventually went to Margot Robbie, who was 22 (for reference, Leo was 38 when they filmed The Wolf of Wall Street). But Olivia clearly doesn’t hold the date on Margot’s birth certificate against her, because she added: “I thought she kicked so much ass in that movie.”
Obviously 29 isn’t that old to play an almost-40 actor’s girlfriend, but it is too old to play Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend. Can you imagine how hard it would be for him to act like he was interested in a woman who was born in the 80s? I know Leo is the greatest actor in the world or whatever, but that’s asking a lot of him.
Here’s Olivia at a theater event in NYC last week with her baby daddy and Will Forte. I can’t believe they made her stand the whole time; not one person offered that poor old woman a seat! This generation has no respect for their elders.
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.