Olivia Wilde And Jason Sudeikis Put Their Child Support Battle Aside To Play Nice At Their Kid’s Soccer Game
Tracy Anderson must shut her gym down on weekends so she can indulge in a feast of cooked broccoli rather than raw, so Olivia Wilde had to settle for quenching her papping thirst at her kid’s soccer game this weekend instead of her normal post-workout papping. But this time, she didn’t “almost” run into an ex; she purposely coexisted with one as she and Jason Sudeikis watched their son’s game together and even made it a point to hug, despite Jason’s lil’ litigation hobby and Olivia recently taking to the courts to say he needs to get up off the driveway and get into his comparably fatter wallet to pay her child support for their two kids.
I would love to be hugged by a kangaroo. Or a big, soft tiger. Or a Snorlax. And I know that last one is a Pokémon, but we’re talking wildest dreams and wishes here, not reality. For Linda Davies, my fantasy is her everyday life. She manages Two Songs Sanctuary in Port Lincoln, South Australia, which gives a permanent home to orphaned wombats and kangaroos. One of those roos, Erik, loves giving his momma giant hugs to show his love. But clearly this good boy doesn’t know his own strength, cuz a hug from Erik means being totally enveloped and almost getting your head crushed. No concept of personal space, this one!
That pit bull puppy’s face says it all: “I don’t wanna know, I just wanna cuddle and search for Poetic Justice gifs and listen to Keep Ya Head Up on repeat.” That puppy is me. That puppy is you. That puppy is all of us. But for those of you thinking “fuck that puppy, just tell me what his last words were”, well here you go.
The Daily Mail (via Vegas Seven) says that a Las Vegas bike cop from the night rapper Tupac Shakur was shot has come forward nearly 20 years later (pardon me, it appears I need to pour some Ensure into my Baileys, because I AM OLD) to talk about being the last person Tupac spoke to before he flew up to Thugz Mansion. Chris Carroll claims that on the night of September 7th, 1996, he pulled Tupac from the passenger seat of the car he was shot in and repeatedly asked him who shot him. Carroll says Tupac didn’t answer because he was yelling at Suge Knight. Finally, Carroll asked one more time, Tupac took a deep breath, and uttered his last words:
He then closed his eyes and rode up to heaven on the back of a sleepy blonde pit bull puppy. Damn, I love the word fuck, but even I don’t think I want “fuck you” to be my deathbed words. Although, I’d probably cough out the same thing if I had some stranger in a bike helmet all up in my personal space, asking the same damn question over and over again. Unless that bike cop looked like Officer Jenko from 21 Jump Street, my response would probably be “fuck you” (coincidentally, my answer to Jenko would be the same, but would begin with the words “I’d like to”).
No, you’re not looking at a picture of me after my mental breakdown yesterday (not enough ice cream and tears on that sweater); believe it or not, it’s actually Jennifer Aniston on the set of her new movie “Cake”. Jenny must be gunning for an Oscar nomination, because she’s put on her best version of ugly drag, which means dying her hair Nice n’ Easy 6A (Light Ash Brown) and putting on a pair of dumpy old Gap khakis from 1998.
According to the description of “Cake”, Jenny is playing “A grieving mother suffering from chronic pain in the aftermath of a fatal car accident”, and truthfully I think they’ve done a good job of making Jenny look like a sad mom. There’s nothing I hate more than when Hollywood tries to convince us a character is poor or homely by putting a gorgeous actress in an Old Navy hoodie and a ponytail. “Wait, where did Sofia Vergara go? All I see is Darlene McFugly, Kmart manager.”
I’m sure Jenny is convinced she’s pulling a Charlize Theron and has probably already started rehearsing her Academy Award acceptance speech, but she still just looks like every other person I’ve ever seen in line at Circle K buying 2-for-1 Monsters and a lottery ticket. All that’s missing is her jangling the 30 random keys on her Nascar lanyard till I give her the stink-eye.
Here’s more of Jennifer on set mentally counting down the minutes till she is able to go home and jump into a 10-gallon jug of La Mer cream, as well as her co-star Sam Worthington (who plays, let me guess, the hot guy who pulls her out of her depressive funk by fucking the hot back into her):
When Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss married SNL’s Fred Armisen, it seemed like such a weird random pairing that raised my eyebrows so high they eventually receded to the back of my head, where they stayed until the two got divorced and Elisabeth started spitting some hot truth about her ex-husband (at which point my eyebrows returned to sit comfortably above my eyes and relax in the shade she was throwing). And in an interview with New York Magazine, Elisabeth is back at it, serving as a cautionary tale of dickmatization gone wrong:
“Looking back, I feel like I was really young, and at the time I didn’t think that I was that young,” Moss says. “It was extremely traumatic and awful and horrible. At the same time, it turned out for the best. I’m glad that I’m not there. I’m glad that it didn’t happen when I was 50. I’m glad I didn’t have kids. And I got that out of the way. Hopefully. Like, that’s probably not going to happen again.”
Elisabeth was introduced to Fred Armisen by Jon Hamm after he hosted SNL, so here’s hoping Jon felt a teeny-tiny bit of guilt for playing Shitty Matchmaker (“Did someone say shitty matchmaker?” – Patti Stanger) and sent the Hammaconda to comfort Elisabeth in her time of need. Forget therapy dogs, nothing can turn a frown upside-down and make you forget about a terrible ex like Jon Hamm’s giant lap-gopher.
And here’s more of Elisabeth in New York Magazine looking like the sluttiest senior picture at the Sears Portrait Studio by popping her $cientolo-side boob in a pair of denim overalls. And for those of you looking at Elisabeth flashing the goods from her hotel window and saying “Peggy would NEVER”, she so would.