If it looks like a doddering old pepaw, and makes weird, questionable remarks like a doddering old pepaw, then guess what. It’s a doddering old peeaw! That’s the lesson learned from Burt Reynolds’ attempt to explain his “say what now?” comments to Hoda Kotb on Today about her purdy mouth and his love of a 7-year-old Sally Field who he didn’t actually meet until she was 31.
Burt Reynolds is 82 years old. Some people in their 80s are still sharper than the spines on a cat’s dick and have got the energy of youngins a third of their age (see: Rita Moreno and Jane Fonda). But other people in their 80s, have the energy of a corpse that’s been reanimated using half-depleted AA batteries found in your grandma’s freezer, and say weird shit. Burt Reynolds falls into the second category.
Burt was on Today this morning, and when he wasn’t becoming Subway Jared’s new favorite actor, he was hypnotized by Hoda Kotb’s anti-Brielle Bermann lips.
When you’re a question mark’s favorite pop singer and people regularly mistake you for the wall, you have to pull some shit to make people pay attention to you. Like dress yourself up as a Miss Kitty from the future who just got jumped by a gang of silkie chickens.
Clive Davis threw his annual pre-Grammy party in NYC last night, and many of the guests decided to save their better dresses for tonight’s Grammys (although, they should really just wear pajamas with an attached pillow and duvet cover, because that shit is going to be three and a half fucking hours long). Because most of them wore boring dresses bought off the rack at Macy’s (Taryn Manning’s impact!), but not Rita Ora.
Rita Ora threw feathers, fringe, bows, rhinestone and whatever else that was on sale at Michael’s onto her body. Rita looks like she just came from auditioning for the Thandie Newton role in a no-budget unauthorized Public Access reboot of Westworld that takes place way off in the future and will eventually get shut down after HBO sues. Rita is also dressed like a look-for-less Kartrashian, which is saying a lot since the Kartrashians dress like look-for-less Kartrashians.
And here’s a million more pictures from Clive Davis’ party, including Kathie Lee Gifford (who I hope wins, via write-in vote, the Best Song Grammy tonight for He Saw Jesus) and Martha Stewart, whose dogs are probably nervous that she’s going to skin and wear their asses next.
A little over three months ago, rose bouquets were thrown at Jane Fonda’s feets when she threw a, “You’re really going to do this now, trick?” face at Megyn Kelly after being asked about plastic surgery during an interview about her new movie. I wasn’t even expecting a round two, but we all got one this morning. Jane was on the second hour of Today with Lily Tomlin when she clocked Megyn, and Megyn wasn’t even in the ring!
Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie (who were dressed like the rich lady version of the Crips) interviewed Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin (who were dressed like the rich lady version of the Bloods) about the third season of Grace and Frankie. Hoda brought up their friendship and wondered how far they go back. Lily made a joke about how they knew each other BJFF (before Jane’s first facelift), and Jane took that joke and used it to slap at Megyn Kelly. And Jane did it in Megyn Kelly’s own house!
Hoda: How long have you two known each other?
Lily: Oh my God… Before your first facelift.
Jane: Who are you, Megyn Kelly?
Lily: Oh, that’s right, I forgot she was the one!
And as Hoda and Savannah tried to keep from laughing by looking nervous, Megyn was in her dressing room, either farting up a ray of happiness over Jane Fonda remembering her name, or was screaming at her makeup person to put some Alocane on that burn Jane gave her. (Side note: Jane Fonda just had a cancerous growth removed from her mouth area.)
Jane Fonda had quite the response to Lily Tomlin's facelift comment pic.twitter.com/2qUUxReqiy
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) January 16, 2018
Today will cover the Winter Olympics next month, and when they do, I hope they bring Jane Fonda on again, because her dragging Megyn Kelly has become my new favorite sport.
If you didn’t look at the little words on that cover, you might think that Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb found mid-life lesbian love with each other, left their men and announced their gayelle union with a head-to-head pose on the cover of People! But Savannah and Hoda are now a different kind of partners. Hoda announced on Today and People this morning that she will permanently co-anchor the show with Savannah. Hoda is now the unofficial Queen of Today, because she’ll also keep continuing to host the “Happy Hour” of Today (aka the fourth hour with Kathie Lee Gifford). So the final hour of Today won’t be KLG singing show tunes and Jesus songs with a half-empty bottle of Pinot in the stool next to her.