Category: Hoda Kotb

On This Halloween, “Today” And “Good Morning America” Terrorized The 80s 

October 31, 2018 / Posted by:

For many Halloweens, the hateful demons at Today have give us many soul-melting night terrors by doing their hosts up like dark-sided creatures that crawled out of the sticky asshole of Hell. Like the time they dressed the entire Today show crew as Peanuts possessed by Satan, and the time they committed a horrible case of blasphemy by dropping a Matt Lauer shit all over the pristine image of earth angel Dolly Parton. They played it mostly safe this Halloween. I say “mostly safe,” because I hate them for causing my nipple tips to tingle and my b-hole ring to quiver while looking at Jenna Bush Hager in man drag as Goose from Top Gun. I should call 911 and report Today for actually making me get moist in the tip over drag king Jenna Bush Hager.

Today went with an 80s theme this year. Well, most of them did anyway. Hoda Kotb got lost in the early-70s while making her way to the 80s.

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Mel B Is Still Insisting The Spice Girls Are Reuniting

June 27, 2018 / Posted by:

Because divorce lawyers don’t come cheap, Mel B still has her fangs sunk into the idea of the Spice Girls getting back together for easy money since there are people like me who’d see they are coming to town and think, “Eh, why not?” If a nuclear war were to ever happen, and LAWD knows it looks like it might, I’m pretty sure the only thing left would be Scary Spice insisting the Spice Girls are days from launching a reunion tour. That’s why when she was the guest co-host of the fourth hour of Today this morning, she blabbed about how she and the other four – Victoria Beckham included – will be going on tour soon. Sure, Jan. Continue reading

Cate Blanchett And Sarah Paulson Lost It On “Today” This Morning

June 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Reboot-a-palooza continues on the silver screen this summer with the upcoming Ocean’s 8, a lady-led spinoff of Ocean’s 11. The film drops this Friday, and co-stars Cate Blanchett and Sarah Paulson dropped by Today this morning to promote it. Their snarky banter, laying their awards dicks on the table, and mom jokes made Hoda Kotb laugh so hard that her co-host Savannah Guthrie had to come out and help her finish the interview. At least, that’s what they’re saying, but I think Hoda was crying over lack of job security since Cate and Sarah were twice as messed in the head as she normally is during the fifteenth hour with Kathie Lee Gifford. Continue reading

Burt Reynolds Explains What He Meant To Say On “Today”

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

If it looks like a doddering old pepaw, and makes weird, questionable remarks like a doddering old pepaw, then guess what. It’s a doddering old peeaw! That’s the lesson learned from Burt Reynolds’ attempt to explain his say what now?” comments to Hoda Kotb on Today about her purdy mouth and his love of a 7-year-old Sally Field who he didn’t actually meet until she was 31.

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Burt Reynolds Fell In Love With Sally Field When She Was 7

March 15, 2018 / Posted by:

Burt Reynolds is 82 years old. Some people in their 80s are still sharper than the spines on a cat’s dick and have got the energy of youngins a third of their age (see: Rita Moreno and Jane Fonda). But other people in their 80s, have the energy of a corpse that’s been reanimated using half-depleted AA batteries found in your grandma’s freezer, and say weird shit. Burt Reynolds falls into the second category.

Burt was on Today this morning, and when he wasn’t becoming Subway Jared’s new favorite actor, he was hypnotized by Hoda Kotb’s anti-Brielle Bermann lips.

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