When the Fall of Pervs 2017 started to hit the world of TV news and Ryan Seacrest was accused (sort of) and Charlie Rose went down, I waited and waited for the creepy perv curtain to be lifted off of bald pillar of potent smug Matt Lauer. Well, that day has come… and you probably didn’t read anything beyond “was accused” because your vision was blurred by the tears you let out while laugh crying over me saying that sneaky garden gnome Ryan Seacrest is in the world of TV news.
But anyway, NBC News announced today that after getting a detailed sexual harassment complaint from an employee on Monday night, they have fired the seemingly untouchable don of morning TV. Meanwhile, employees at Good Morning America are making a mental note to keep the receipt for the holiday gifts they bought for George Stephanopoulos and Michael Strahan.
If you love the kind of grotesque imagery that will turn your stomach and haunt your dreams forever, then you’re no doubt a fan of Today’s annual Halloween costume parade of half-assed horrors. Obviously nothing will ever top the year they dropped nightmares all over your childhood by dressing up as a near-sighted serial killer’s idea of the Peanuts gang. This year the Today crew slipped into their best country-fied drag for a Grand Ole Opry-themed Halloween.
I’ve admitted this several times, but I watch all four hours of Today every weekday, because I am grandma. I may be your grandma, but don’t expect me to mail you a crisp $5 bill for your birthday every year.
Anyway, Hoda Kotb hosts the fourth hour with drunk Christian nightingale Kathie Lee Gifford, but for a little while now, she’s been MIA. When it was reported that Megyn Kelly is joining Today and Tamron Hall is leaving, there was a rumor that NBC is trying to become the next Fox News. So I prepared myself for the moment when the fourth hour would open with Kathie Mess Gifford saying, “Please say goodbye to Hoda Woman and welcome my new co-host…Elisabeth Hasselbeck!” But thankfully, Hoda is taking time off because she’s a new mom.
Earlier today, Page Six said that the former sweetheart of Fox News, Megyn Kelly, is crashing into Today, and either the show’s third or fourth hour will be canceled to make room for her. The third hour is hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker, and the fourth hour is hosted by America’s morning-drinking aunties Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. That rumor was just another turd on the pile of shit news that hit me today.
First, I learned that the emporium of stunning teen fashions Wet Seal has been put down and has closed all of its stores. Second, I learned that The CW has ordered a pilot of the shit reboot of Dynasty. And then I learned that my daily dose of vitamin M (for MESS) may be taken away from me. WHYYYYY!!??!
Every year, the wrecks of Today do one big group costume and they usually go all out. Last year, they brought the night terrors by dressing up as The Peanuts and the scars I got on my brain from being exposed to that terrifying shit still haven’t healed. Well, the producers must have used most of the show’s budget to pay preppy butt plug Billy Bush to go away, because this year’s costumes looked like they came from a community theater costume shop sale and a Salvation Army donation bin. You know they told Kathie Lee Gifford that a bottle of chardonnay was hiding at the bottom of that bin and she hopped in to get it.
The 90s have been barfing all over 2016 for a while now (see: every trick wearing a choker, Vanilla Ice being somewhat relevant again, the return of Kimmy Gibbler, etc…), but on Today this morning, the 90s came back in a messy way.
Open Post: Hosted By Hoda Kotb And Kathie Lee Gifford Acting Like They Care About Billy Bush Leaving
Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford have dream jobs, because they get to get morning drunk while blabbering out incoherent nonsense, which now that I think about it, is basically what I do. But sometimes Hoda and Kathie Lee have to really work for that money by pretending like they actually give one shit about something they probably don’t give half-a-shit about. Case in point: On Today this morning, it was officially announced that egger on-er Billy Bush is fucking done and won’t be coming back.