Pour Out A Breakfast Cup Of Chardonnay, Because Kathie Lee Gifford Is Leaving “Today”

December 11, 2018 / Posted by:

Now who is going to make you feel okay about having a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of Rice Krispies? Or a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of chardonnay? Oh shit, Kathie Lee Gifford’s next hustle should be a breakfast cereal called KLG’s Chardonnay-Os.

After 11 years, 500,000 gulps of fermented breakfast juice, and over 4,000 times yodeling out “Everyoooone has a stooo-reeeee“, the Christian Wine Queen of Morning Television has announced that she’s hanging up her monogrammed breakfast time wine glass and is leaving Today. Those of us who are masochists and watch Today every morning aren’t exactly dropping our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio (available at Wine.com!) out of shock, because there’s many a morning when the fourth hour of Today starts and we scream,”NOT JENNA BUSH HAGER FILLING IN FOR KLG AGAIN!” Although if this announcement was a real shock, we still wouldn’t drop our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio. That’s not what KLG would want.

The news that morning television is about to get less drunker first came in the form of a memo that NBC News president Noah Oppenheim sent out to everyone. And then when the fourth hour started, KLG and her partner in AM fuckery, Hoda Kotba (or Hoda Mama, previously Hoda Woman, as KLG calls her) made the announcement while dressed in mourning black. KLG opened by saying that when she joined Today 11 years ago, the plan was to only stay one year, but then she fell in love with an Egyptian goddess, and at that point I was expecting her to announce that she’s marrying Hoda. My eyes don’t make tears anymore, but I almost teared up over that thought, because I love some late-in-life lesbian love.

Hoda and KLG did squirt out tiny boxed wine tears as they talked about her leaving to focus on all the shit she talks about non-stop on the show (her movies, her musicals, her wine line, etc…). Hoda and KLG’s signature Kleenex chandelier dropped as they cried, and I took a break from being sad about morning TV getting less messy, to note that I really need one of those Kleenex chandeliers over my bed. It’s perfect for an easy fap clean-up.

Here’s KLG announcing the end of a drunk morning ERA!

Noah Oppenheim’s memo says that KLG’s last day will be on April 7, 2019, which is the 11th anniversary of her debut.

As for her replacement… I wouldn’t hate it if Kelly Clarkson, who is trying to do the talk show thing, replaced KLG, but it’s probably going to be Jenna Bush Hager. If that happens, I’m going to have to say yesterday to Today, because my liver will officially quit my body from me mainlining Merlot to deal with the undercooked bowl of oatmeal that is Jenna Bush Hager on a daily basis.

But if NBC News wanted to show us that they’re capable of making a good decision (after making the wrong decision to hire Megyn Kelly), they’d replace Kathie Lee Gifford with Kristen Wiig as Kathie Lee Gifford.

That’s really the only correct choice!

Pic: NBC

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