Too many handjob jokes, too little time.
Star of gay rumors Jeremy Renner has done two Mission: Impossible movies with Tom Cruise, and now it’s fellow star of gay rumors Henry Canvill’s turn to hear Tommy snap at him, “Bitch, you better slouch and bend those knees, because these heels can’t grow on their own.” Production on Mission: Impossible 6 was reportedly on hold, because Tommy wanted more points in his back-end (don’t we all, Tommy?) or something. Well, it looks like Tommy’s back-end is going to get those points he wanted, because production is back on and director Christopher McQuarrie is adding to the cast.
[Insert “Well, at least she won something.” crack here] You can also [insert “Sad Affleck” GIF here], too.
A Hillary Clinton-hatin’ documentary and Batman v. Superman: Would Have Been Better Off As A Legal Drama swept the Golden Raspberry Awards (aka “The Razzies“) this year.
Tomorrow we find out if all the hard work and hand jobs Ryan Reynolds has been giving have paid off when the Oscar nominations are announced. But today we find out whose lazy hand job of a performance was rewarded with a 2017 Razzie nomination
There was a nominations sweep at this year’s Razzies. Zoolander 2 got 9 nominations, followed closely behind by Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice with 8. Sorry, 1997’s Batman and Robin, it looks like you’re still the Batman movie with the most Razzie nominations. But don’t worry, there’s a chance that Batman movie written and directed by Ben Affleck could happen.
Jared Leto’s award dreams came true in the most Twilight Zone-y of ways. He’s not going to get the Oscar nomination he was no doubt sure he was going to get, but he did get a Worst Supporting Actor Razzie for Suicide Squad. And Julia Roberts’ performance as Lady Wearing a Bad Wig in Mother’s Day earned her a Worst Actress nomination. That wig didn’t get a Worst Supporting Actor nomination, because of course it didn’t; that wig worked its ass off and supported her like a load-bearing beam.
And Ben Affleck received his 10th Razzie nomination today. The big one-zero! He should go out and celebrate tonight for reaching a career milestone. Maybe his BFF Tom Brady will treat Ben to a steamed green bean and unseasoned fish dinner at his house.
The list of nominees is after the cut.
Yay? That’s about the only reaction I can muster. In an interview with Newsweek, Henry Cavill’s new manager revealed that he’s going to star in another standalone Superman flick. Yep, I’m kind of back to the weak “yay?” Wait, can Henry show off an ass like this one in his supersuit? That might inspire some more enthusiasm from me and the rest of the gals. Either that or fire Hank and get the owner of that donk to take over as both movie AND tv Supes. Cuz’ damn. That donk pic is now used for avatars on some of the dirtier Tumblrs. Not that I know about dirty Tumblrs. *hides face in hands*
I know, guy in the Kenny Powers sunglasses, I’m just as shocked as you are. Last week we learned that Henry Cavill had maybe sat his 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King down, told her to put away her homework for a second, and informed her that she wasn’t going to be a famous person’s girlfriend anymore. But true mid-30s/teen love never dies, apparently. Or at the very least, finds a way to bring itself back to life a few times before it’s officially declared dead.
Shortly after the rumors of them being done popped up, Henry and Tara were seen at a charity run in Henry’s home isle of Jersey. Yes, that buff piece in the black shirt standing next to a ponytailed blonde in the peach tank above is Henry and Tara. But just because Henry and Tara got all sweaty for charity together, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s back off the market. A source told UsWeekly last week that their plan is to remain “good friends.”
Yahoo has a couple better pictures of Henry and Tara at the charity run. All of which feature Henry in some tight spandex running leggings and a pec-accentuating GoPro holster, which you can see here if you want to see that. What am I saying? Who wouldn’t want to see Superman’s junk stuffed in some tights? Well, besides all the critics who are shuddering at the idea of watching Batman vs. Superman a second time, of course.
Yahoo says that Henry and Tara were joined by Henry’s family (that lady in the hat taking a picture of Henry and Tara is Henry’s mama) and Tara’s daddy, and that they “happily” chatted with each other. No word on what they chatted about, but I’m going to guess that at least one person made it awkward by saying: “So…this is weird, right? Like, are they a thing or not? I’d really like to know how I should be tagging my Instagram pictures.”
“Oi, why is your assistant standing over in front of an airport limo with my name on it holding a gift bag and my luggage? Crap, I think I remember reading something about this in the chapter on termination in my famous person’s girlfriend welcome manual.”
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Henry Cavill’s nine month long relationship with a 19-year-old British college student named Tara King is over. Congratulations, everyone who gets damp for Henry Cavill, you can go back to catcalling him in public again! Sources say that Henry dumped her. Apparently she’s “devastated” because Henry was “the love of her life.” If it makes her feel any better, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of aspiring famous person girlfriends who are just as devastated. I mean, he took her to an Oscar afterparty; does that mean nothing anymore?
Said sources also claim that Henry’s breakup included the classic “…but we can totally still be friends.” Apparently that meant that Tara was still allowed to come to Henry’s 33rd birthday party at the beginning of the month. Inviting the teenage girl you just dumped to your birthday party? That’s definitely not a recipe for an awkward dramatic night. I wonder how many sloppy drunk locked-bathroom door screaming fights happened every time she caught him talking to another just-legal blonde.
I wouldn’t cry for Tara just yet. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Henry Cavill receives a text from Ben Affleck saying: “Hey, so is it cool if I get her number? I’m trying to fix shit with my wife, but you know – in case that doesn’t work out.” And I say, go for it, Tara! Get that Lexus. Reach for the famous person girlfriend stars.