Well, I guess my one signature petition to get Zack Snyder to cast videobomber vigilante Jim Cantore as Lex Luthor went directly into the shredder, because Warner Bros. announced today that Jesse Eisenberg will take a Flowbee and a pair of clippers to his glorious field of curls to play Superman’s forever rival. Zack Snyder’s still proving that whenever he casts a new role in that Superman vs. Batman mess, he asks himself, “What is going to make the entire internet explode into a tornado of FUCK YOUs?”
Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the only ho who just signed on for that future wreck, which will have every single DC character in it. Son marrier Jeremy Irons is going to play Alfred. Here’s what Zack had to say about Lex Luthor and Alfred:
“Lex Luthor is often considered the most notorious of Superman’s rivals, his unsavory reputation preceding him since 1940. What’s great about Lex is that he exists beyond the confines of the stereotypical nefarious villain. He’s a complicated and sophisticated character whose intellect, wealth and prominence position him as one of the few mortals able to challenge the incredible might of Superman. Having Jesse in the role allows us to explore that interesting dynamic, and also take the character in some new and unexpected directions.
As everyone knows, Alfred is Bruce Wayne’s most trusted friend, ally and mentor, a noble guardian and father figure. He is an absolutely critical element in the intricate infrastructure that allows Bruce Wayne to transform himself into Batman. It is an honor to have such an amazingly seasoned and gifted actor as Jeremy taking on the important role of the man who mentors and guides the guarded and nearly impervious façade that encapsulates Bruce Wayne.”
Jesse Eisenberg perfectly played a spoiled elitist billionaire asshole in The Social Network, so he’ll probably be a perfect Lex Luthor. Ben Affleck is almost as big as The Hammaconda and Henry Cavill is even bigger, so I can’t wait to see Lex Luthor have to stand on four apple crates and a stack of phone books to spit threats at Batman and Superman’s faces.
Zack Snyder’s random casting choices keep making the internet melt down, so I hope he keeps bringing the fuckery and I’ll keep laughing until he does something really ILLEGAL like casting Goopy Paltrow as Catwoman.
Based on that picture, you’re probably asking yourself, “The mash-up of Catherine Zeta-Jones circa 1997 and Keira Knightley is the new Wonder Woman?” And you’re also probably telling yourself, “The new Wonder Woman is really graceful at pissing.”
Warner Bros. and director Zack Snyder announced today that a gal named GAL will play Wonder Woman in the Batman V. Superman movie. 28-year-old Gal Gadot is an Israeli actress/model type who was Miss Israel 2004 and played Gisele in the Fast & Furious movies. The Hollywood Reporter says that Gal beat out Olga Kurylenko and Elodie Young. Zack Snyder said this shit about the new Wonder Woman:
“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”
Batman V. Superman (aka the Justice League movie that’s pretending it’s not a Justice League movie) will also star Henry Cavill as Superman, Ben Affleck as Batman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Diane Lane and Laurence Fishburne.
I’m going to go ahead and guess that Lynda Carter, Cathy Lee Crosby, Chyna, the ghost of Tandi Iman Dupree, this hot bitch, Chicken Cutlets and Bruce Jenner (he does have the chichis for it) all repeatedly turned down the role of Wonder Woman, because they know that movie is going to be a disastrous wreck and they don’t want to spend their work days getting their tits eye fondled by Ben Affleck.
And somebody get this Gal Gadot chick a copy of Joe ManJello’s fitness book and feed her an entire Wonder Bread factory, because homegirl needs to put some muscles on her bones if she’s going to play the Amazonian goddess warrior. But maybe they’re going for a greener Wonder Woman. Gal Gadot doesn’t need to travel in some gas-guzzling invisible plane, because the wind can carry her anywhere she needs to go since she probably weighs about as much as a cloud queef. She’s reducing Wonder Woman’s carbon footprint!
Like Henry Cavill’s PR whores were really going to sit around and let that piece of steamed celery Kaley Cuoco get all the 15-word blurbs in Life & Style for becoming Jennifer Love Hewitt 2.0. Something had to be done! Before Henry was co-starring with Kaley in staged grocery store photo-ops that were so fake that I doubt even the food was real, he was doing naked push-ups on top of Gina Carano. And now they might be back together.
Henry Cavill is in Rome shooting Guy Ritchie’s The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and The Daily Mail has pictures of him having an intimate dinner with Gina on the patio of a restaurant in front of the paps. You know, who needs candlelight when the pap’s flash is there to illuminate your piece’s face? That’s next level romance. The pictures are kind of hilarious. They look as choreographed and staged as Kim Kartrashian’s entire life. I once saw a production of Romeo & Juliet performed entirely by wooden puppets and that shit looked more real and human than Gina and Henry’s dinner date. Rehearsals were held for that dinner date. That’s not real red wine, it’s dyed water and the only words that were spoken were from the actor hired to play a waiter who said, “I can’t believe this shit only pays scale.”
And Henry doing all these stage photo-ops makes me think that he’s actually a really hot animatronic robot who was built by Hollywood and they have yet to perfect the part of his hard drive that makes it looks like he feels real human emotions.
With all that being said, Henry and Gina are so much better than him and that celery chick from TV.
The “Kaley Cuoco Starbucks For Two” Watch ended before it even began. Who’s Starbucks will she carry now?!!!!
E! News says that Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill’s totally natural and not-at-all staged hand-holding photo-ops are done. It’s always a sad day in Hollywood when two publicists can’t make the details of a contract work. Shit, they didn’t even have a short-term contract. Their relationship (or whatever you want to call it) was a test drive. The milk they bought during their staged grocery store photo-op lasted longer than their entire relationship did. E! says that even though you could count the dates they went on together on two fingers, they will stay friends (HA!) and Kaley is going to shellac the hand that touched Superman’s hand.
Oh well, I was kind of hoping that Kaley and Henry would go on a couple more staged dates, get engaged in front of the paps and marry in front of the paps so the heads of his fangirls would explode, but I guess that’s not going to happen. Kaley and Henry can learn something from this. What did all of our moms say? You can fuck right away, but you should wait until at least the third date before you call the paparazzi. At least Kaley got some Superman peen out of it. I think.
A quick second after Kaley Cuoco’s publicist put on their “anonymous source” disguise to tell UsWeekly that she’s wet humping on Superman, she was papped getting two drinks at the Starbucks near her house in Sherman Oaks, CA. It was her subtle way of letting us know that Henry Cavill was at her house, waiting naked in her bed and she didn’t pick up a stirrer from Starbucks, because she was planning on using his dick to stir in the sugar. Then the day of Kaley and Henry’s totally natural and not-at-all-choreographed hand-holding trip to the grocery store, she was papped getting two drinks at Starbucks AGAIN! And now here she is strolling out of a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks on Saturday morning with two drinks. Even my uncle in the background knows what this bitch is up to. Bitch is rubbing her Superman-blessed coochie in all of our faces while drinking a Venti serving of your jealousy.
I’m surprised that Kaley didn’t make sure the paps got a full shot of the part of her cup where the barista wrote “the TV star who’s fucking Superman” with a black Sharpie. She probably didn’t show us, because the barista wrote “THAT BITCH” instead.
Because Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill know that the tabloids are going to need a picture of them holding hands for their “Yep, We’re Fucking!” covers next week, they held hands while going
grocery shopping for a ho stroll stroll in front of the paps in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday. You can almost hear their publicists saying into the earpieces they’re wearing, “Okay Henry, put your hand in your pocket and make it look real casual. Okay, Kaley, do that McKayla face so it looks like you’re ‘meh’ about boning Superman even though we all know that we had to sedate your coochie for this photo-op, because it kept howling every time you touched him.”
These two just told us that they were doing it earlier this week and they’re already working those paps like Pimp Mama Kris is pulling their strings. They’re going to be papped house hunting tomorrow, shopping for engagement rings on Saturday, getting a marriage license on Sunday, buying baby clothes on Monday and coming out of the hospital with their new baby on Tuesday. These two are quickly becoming my favorite PRomance of all PRomances. Because just like Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, jealous whores on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook are hating on Kaley like it’s their full-time job (aka like a blogger). Who knew that the blond Katy Perry meets Tori Spelling-looking trick from The Big Bang Theory could bring out emotions in anybody. I love it.
Oh, and here comes trouble….
She’s like a young Kimmy Gibbler. I don’t know if she’s saying “Gaaaaarl, the hell is he doing with you?” or “Gaaaaaarl, get that PR!”
Here’s Kaley Cuoco in Sherman Oaks, CA this morning, smiling for the paps while walking to her car with two coffees in each hand. TWO COFFEES! TWO COFFEES! Kaley’s publicist already bluntly let us know that she’s slurping on Henry Cavill’s peen and now here she is shoving it down our throats. (For reference: Here’s what she’s shoving down our throats. It obviously won’t go all the way down our throats, but it might touch our uvulas.) One coffee is for her and the other is for Superman, obviously. Or maybe one coffee is for her to down so she can get more energy to fuck Superman some more and the other cup is full of ice water to throw on her chocha when it starts to overheat. Evil bitch!
And in other news, the hell is she wearing?
Both People and UsWeekly say that Henry Cavill has stopped humping Gina Carano and is now humping Kaley Cuoco from the The Big Bang Theory. If I was writing this post on my phone, auto-correct would change that last sentence to read: WHAT THE HELL?!
Kaley’s rep called UsWeekly from a blocked phone and said, “Hello, this is an anonymous source and I am calling to tell you that the multi-talented, gorgeous, People’s Choice-nominated actress Kaley Cuoco is dating Henry Cavill. Henry is a massive Big Bang Theory fan and he’s always wanted to date Kaley Cuoco. That’s K-A-L-E-Y space C-U-O-C-O. Goodbye!” The “source” really said that part about Henry always wanting to date Kaley. The laughs: Kaley’s publicist knows how to bring them.
The source also said that it’s just beginning stages of their relationship and they’re trying to keep it hush hush. Keep it hush hush? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. When you’re doing Henry Cavill, you never close your mouth. When you’re not opening your mouth to wrap your lips around Henry’s peen, you’re opening your mouth to tell everyone that you’ve just wrapped your lips around Henry’s peen. You’d change your voicemail message to say, “Hi, I can’t come to the phone right now, because I’m too busy cumming on Superman’s crotch.” You’d change your e-mail signature to read, “If there’s any spelling or grammatical errors, blame it on the fact that Henry Cavill was doing me hard from behind while I typed this email.” Every time you had to sign a receipt, you’d sign it as the lucky bitch who gets to fuck Superman.
And I can’t hate on Kaley. A trick who wore a busted blond-Elvira-gone-wrong wig to the SAGs (see above) can pull in some hot British dick. Kaley Cuoco is truly living fucking the dream.
The easiest way to get me to watch a commercial for The National Guard is to put a sweaty, topless Henry Cavill in it and make him pull heavy things and shit. Panty pudding runs down the streets today and it’s all because of this video of Superman lifting weights and showing us what he did to get his body buff ready for Buns Man of Steel. Henry talks about how it’s all journey and this and that, and the only thing I have to say is: LESS TALK! MORE NIPPLES!
This recruit video is totally doing its job, because it’s even making me want to sign up for The National Guard. But I’ll only sign up if they’ll assign me a position as Henry’s weights or I can lounge in the wheelbarrow eating Hot Fries while watching his sweaty bare back as he pulls me around. Yeah, I want that job.
We’re alive! Well, as alive as a ho who’s only eaten Texas Toast all day can be. Please accept these pictures of Henry Cavill at last night’s NYC premiere of Man of Steel as a “sorry for all the damn changes” gift. I tried to find pictures from last night of Henry without all his clothes on, but for some reason he kept all his clothes on (SELFISH!) and the wind was really dumb for not blowing all his clothes off. You’ll have to use your imagination while you fap.
Thanks to Industry44, all my posts and the comments made it onto the new Dlisted. We’ve painted over the barf splatters on the wall and tried to scrub out all the cum stains in the carpet. Drunk whores are still passed out on the front stoop, but they’re never going to leave. There are a few changes. A featured post bar (which every other site has had since 2007, welcome us to 2007!) was added to the top, the gallery’s been changed up and the comment button has been moved from the bottom to the top of the post. And about the comment section…
The comment section is still a work in progress. I was going to move us all to Disqus, but I know some people have SERIOUS feelings about Disqus, so I’m going to wait. So for now, we’ll stay here and if this comment section works I’ll add more features. If it doesn’t, to Disqus we go! You can use the same username and password to login.
Because everything is new, the site will probably burp, fart and queef for the next couple of weeks. We’re still tweaking things as we go along too. And if you’re going to scream, “I HATE IT, LET’S GO BACK TO THE OLD SHIT,” make sure I’m drunk and stoned before you do it.