Open Post: Hosted By Angela Bassett Serving Bedazzled Squished Chichis At The Paris “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” Premiere
If you want to see an ugly cluster of tragic and homely fashions and don’t have access to my closet, get into the gallery below for the Paris premiere of Mission: Impossible – Fallout yesterday. Henry Cavill wore a raggedy suit that looks like it was tailored by someone who wasn’t amused by the butt corn kernel he spit out about #MeToo. Rebecca Ferguson wore something that Breathless Mahoney would wear if Breathless Mahoney shopped at T.J. Maxx (my mom is going to double slap me down with her TJX Rewards card for this T.J. Maxx slander). And Tommy Cruise stuffed himself into the same old boring stock broker manager suit he always wears, and paired it with the same old tired cha-cha heels. But thankfully, a bright shining messy star in the form of Angela Bassett saved the drab day.
Angela’s face was snatched like a Thundercat sucking on a lemon, and she figured she’d give the kids heart palpitations by making her stylist rip the lining out of her freakum jumpsuit. I bet that even Tom Cruise stared at Angela’s goodies in that jumpsuit, but only because all those stars and shit remind him of the flight path through the galaxy he and the other high-ranking queens of Scientology are going to take when they go back to their home planet.
And that muffled scream you’re hearing is from Angela’s titty balls gasping for air as they’re being choked by bedazzled netting in the name of glamour. Seeing Angela’s smooshed chest domes makes me want to call 911 for them, and she just so happens to star in a show called 9-1-1. So she’s really promoting two projects at once. A marketing genius!
It still boggles my mind that the publicists of Hollywood haven’t gathered up all their dude clients, and hammered their brains into simply saying, “I support the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. The end.“, every time they’re asked about sexual harassment and abuse in their industry and beyond. But because some haven’t done that, pretty-faced piles of dumb like Henry Cavill get themselves into trouble by spewing verbal fart bubbles about how he’s afraid to flirt with a woman because she might blow her rape whistle on him. Who knew that Henry Cavill took a course in #MeToo 101 from Professor Morrissey?
About a year after Henry Cavill broke up with his teenage girlfriend, he started to hook up with a stuntwoman named Lucy Cork. Henry and Lucy met on the set of Mission: Impossible 6, but now they’re over after seven months together.
According to The Mirror, Henry was seen at a recent Warner Bros. party with some friends, who were trying to set up their “single” friend. When one girl approached Henry and introduced herself, his friends allegedly shouted that he was “single and ready to mingle.” That’s a weird way to put it. But maybe “alone and ready for the photo op zone” was just his Kaley Cuoco-era dating strategy.
Henry has since unfollowed Lucy on Instagram, which as we all know in 2018 dating terms means they’re broken up for good. The only thing the Mirror doesn’t know is the reason for why Henry and Lucy broke up. I wonder whatever could have been the straw that broke the camel’s thirsty back? No, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that Henry fell into Demi Lovato’s carefully laid Instagram trap last week. And really, I honestly don’t think Demi’s lingerie-covered titties did Henry’s relationship in. She probably just heard things were bad and decided to lay some groundwork for a possible relationship. And hell, why not get a little attention and some Instagram likes while you’re at it? Honestly, that’s just smart multitasking.
The shady boys in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse are going to be busy today, Photoshopping David Miscavige behind Tom Cruise in that screen shot.
Filming on the 984th Mission: Impossible movie, now called Mission: Impossible – Fallout went on hiatus for a while last year after Tommy Cruise fucked up his ankle during a stunt gone wrong. Video of Tommy making Leah Remini cackle by cracking his ankle made the rounds last year, but on The Graham Norton Show, he shared a slow-mo close-up clip of that mess. M:I – Fallout doesn’t come out until the summer, but Tommy, Rebecca Ferguson, Henry Cavill and Simon Pegg were on Graham Norton to sell that shit extra early.
The minion who told Tommy that he didn’t need to wear his lifts for this stunt is probably sitting in a cell at Gold Base. Because if Tommy wore his all-mighty lifts, the building would’ve broke, not his ankle. You can practically hear the Thetans screech when it breaks.
A bitch IS Tommy Cruise spending a mountain of money and zillions of hours to become a high-level Scientologist with superpowers, and yet he still breaks bones like us mortal peasants. The Scientology slaves who feed grapes to Tommy as he lounges on his throne better start dipping those grapes in some crushed Boniva.
Making the rounds today is a story that makes it sound like Wonder Woman’s greatest foe, besides metal poisoning of the nipples from wearing that corset top, is the gender wage gap! Elle posted a story yesterday claiming that Gal Gadot got paid $300,000 for her first Wonder Woman movie while Henry Cavill got $14 million for his first Superman movie, Man of Steel. Gal wasn’t really known before getting Wonder Woman and the same goes for Henry and Superman, so that bit of information made people schedule a code 10 emergency appointment at Lens Crafters since they thought their eyes were fucked up. The gender wage gap is real, but it turns out that this story is not.
This one looks way better. You can work all the airbrushed UnderArmour you want, but nothing beats a good pair of comic book pantyhose.
DC Extended Universe director, Zach Snyder, (he did Man of Steel, Superman v. Batman: Dawn Of Failure, and the upcoming Justice League) posted this pic of our current Superman, Henry Cavill, in the classic Superman’s old outfit. That’s the one the dearly departed Christopher Reeve wore when HE was (the one true) Superman.
Zach revealed (via iO9) that Henry wore that costume during his first screen test. He should wear this one in the movies going forward. Not only as a tribute to Christopher, but because it might bring back Ursa from Superman II. Sarah Douglas played my favorite super-villainess of all time in that movie. She was so wonderfully evil in that movie that she kicks astronauts into deep space and fries snakes, and made it a point to beat misogynist hillbillies at arm-wrestling. Her finest moment, though, is when she picked up a manhole cover to fling at Superman but first called out “SSsssuupppeeerrmmmaaaaaaaaaaaannn!” (at the :50 mark). It’s the most exquisite line-reading in cinematic history. Zach Snyder should resurrect Ursa for one of those dour-ass movies. She’d bring the campy evil.
Pic: Zach Snyder