The last time we checked in with fame enthusiast Kaley Glencoco’s former contractually obligated paparazzi boyfriend Henry Cavill, he was still dating human-shaped piece of solid steel Gina Carano, but it sounds like Henry and Gina may no longer be bumping rock hard fuck parts (for real, I bet Gina’s gina can curl a 30lb kettlebell). According to Celeb Dirty Laundry, 31-year-old Henry has allegedly moved on to a 21-year-old named Marisa Gonzalo.
No word on where they met, but I’m going to guess it probably wasn’t at a PETA fundraiser; apparently a quick peek at Marisa Gonzalo on social media shows a bunch of pictures of her posing with dead deers and bragging about killing squirrels. “Hey girl, gimme a call me when you’re single!” hollered a horny Ted Nugent. Normally huntin’ critters might not be that big of a deal breaker if you were, let’s say, a timber wolf or the dude who killed Bambi’s mom, but Henry Cavill is an ambassador for the Durrell Wildlife Park, an organization dedicated to the conservation of wildlife. So yeah, I could see how that might make things awkward between Henry and Marisa.
Henry: What did you do today?
Marisa: I shot 3 pheasants, what did you do?
Henry: Helped treat 3 wounded pheasants.
Although if this picture of Henry having dinner with Marisa’s family (or is it the other way around? Henry’s mom, please confirm) is any indication, it’s not that awkward? Or maybe Marisa family is just being nice so that Henry can’t say no when they ask him to join them on their next hunting trip. “You know, Superman – sorry, “Henry”, quails are hard to spot, and we were thinking maybe you could come with us and use your super-sight or super-smell to find them. Just think about it, talk to whoever you gotta talk to back on Krypton. In the meantime, we’ll try to find you a camo cape.”
Two days after Zack Snyder made the tips of tongues go hard by twatting out a picture of Batfleck’s juicy, hairy bubble butt chin, he made the nerds shoot a panty pudding geyser out of their assholes by showing the first picture of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman V Superman at Comic-Con in San Diego this morning. Wonder Woman’s looking like she put on some hot hooker boots she bought on Hollywood Blvd and slipped on a re-purposed Xena costume she got on clearance the day after Halloween at Party City to pose for an Instagram picture on the set of 300. When I first saw the words “Gal Gadot in Full Wonder Woman Costume” on my RSS feed, I braced my eyeballs for the worst, because I really thought Wonder Woman was going to look like a Wonder Mess. Maybe it’s because I was expecting the worst, but this isn’t that bad. Yes, she sort of does look like she’s doing lazy Xena cosplay and little skinny arms tell me that she must be the midget of the Amazons, but anything is better than the American Apparel stripper Wonder Woman that NBC gave us 3 years ago. Click here to see that shit in Hi-Res.
I do have something serious to bitch about, though. THAT HAIR! Bitch looks like she got up, squirted some leave-in conditioner in her hair and left the house. That is some “Monday morning letting my hair air dry while driving to work” hair. Wonder Woman does not have flat hair. Why would Wonder Woman ever have flat, basic hair when she can easily twirl some body into it? The Wonder Woman I know and love would never fight crime without her hair looking styled, set and sprayed. My feelings about Wonder Woman’s hair in that picture are best expressed through Lynda Carter’s side-eye that can penetrate through any gold cuff.
With all that being said, Slut-O-Ween 2016 can’t come soon enough, because I can’t wait to see all the drunk messes stumbling around the streets and bars while wearing the brown plastic version of the new Wonder Woman costume they bought at Rite-Aid.
Well, I guess my one signature petition to get Zack Snyder to cast videobomber vigilante Jim Cantore as Lex Luthor went directly into the shredder, because Warner Bros. announced today that Jesse Eisenberg will take a Flowbee and a pair of clippers to his glorious field of curls to play Superman’s forever rival. Zack Snyder’s still proving that whenever he casts a new role in that Superman vs. Batman mess, he asks himself, “What is going to make the entire internet explode into a tornado of FUCK YOUs?”
Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the only ho who just signed on for that future wreck, which will have every single DC character in it. Son marrier Jeremy Irons is going to play Alfred. Here’s what Zack had to say about Lex Luthor and Alfred:
“Lex Luthor is often considered the most notorious of Superman’s rivals, his unsavory reputation preceding him since 1940. What’s great about Lex is that he exists beyond the confines of the stereotypical nefarious villain. He’s a complicated and sophisticated character whose intellect, wealth and prominence position him as one of the few mortals able to challenge the incredible might of Superman. Having Jesse in the role allows us to explore that interesting dynamic, and also take the character in some new and unexpected directions.
As everyone knows, Alfred is Bruce Wayne’s most trusted friend, ally and mentor, a noble guardian and father figure. He is an absolutely critical element in the intricate infrastructure that allows Bruce Wayne to transform himself into Batman. It is an honor to have such an amazingly seasoned and gifted actor as Jeremy taking on the important role of the man who mentors and guides the guarded and nearly impervious façade that encapsulates Bruce Wayne.”
Jesse Eisenberg perfectly played a spoiled elitist billionaire asshole in The Social Network, so he’ll probably be a perfect Lex Luthor. Ben Affleck is almost as big as The Hammaconda and Henry Cavill is even bigger, so I can’t wait to see Lex Luthor have to stand on four apple crates and a stack of phone books to spit threats at Batman and Superman’s faces.
Zack Snyder’s random casting choices keep making the internet melt down, so I hope he keeps bringing the fuckery and I’ll keep laughing until he does something really ILLEGAL like casting Goopy Paltrow as Catwoman.
Based on that picture, you’re probably asking yourself, “The mash-up of Catherine Zeta-Jones circa 1997 and Keira Knightley is the new Wonder Woman?” And you’re also probably telling yourself, “The new Wonder Woman is really graceful at pissing.”
Warner Bros. and director Zack Snyder announced today that a gal named GAL will play Wonder Woman in the Batman V. Superman movie. 28-year-old Gal Gadot is an Israeli actress/model type who was Miss Israel 2004 and played Gisele in the Fast & Furious movies. The Hollywood Reporter says that Gal beat out Olga Kurylenko and Elodie Young. Zack Snyder said this shit about the new Wonder Woman:
“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”
Batman V. Superman (aka the Justice League movie that’s pretending it’s not a Justice League movie) will also star Henry Cavill as Superman, Ben Affleck as Batman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Diane Lane and Laurence Fishburne.
I’m going to go ahead and guess that Lynda Carter, Cathy Lee Crosby, Chyna, the ghost of Tandi Iman Dupree, this hot bitch, Chicken Cutlets and Bruce Jenner (he does have the chichis for it) all repeatedly turned down the role of Wonder Woman, because they know that movie is going to be a disastrous wreck and they don’t want to spend their work days getting their tits eye fondled by Ben Affleck.
And somebody get this Gal Gadot chick a copy of Joe ManJello’s fitness book and feed her an entire Wonder Bread factory, because homegirl needs to put some muscles on her bones if she’s going to play the Amazonian goddess warrior. But maybe they’re going for a greener Wonder Woman. Gal Gadot doesn’t need to travel in some gas-guzzling invisible plane, because the wind can carry her anywhere she needs to go since she probably weighs about as much as a cloud queef. She’s reducing Wonder Woman’s carbon footprint!
Like Henry Cavill’s PR whores were really going to sit around and let that piece of steamed celery Kaley Cuoco get all the 15-word blurbs in Life & Style for becoming Jennifer Love Hewitt 2.0. Something had to be done! Before Henry was co-starring with Kaley in staged grocery store photo-ops that were so fake that I doubt even the food was real, he was doing naked push-ups on top of Gina Carano. And now they might be back together.
Henry Cavill is in Rome shooting Guy Ritchie’s The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and The Daily Mail has pictures of him having an intimate dinner with Gina on the patio of a restaurant in front of the paps. You know, who needs candlelight when the pap’s flash is there to illuminate your piece’s face? That’s next level romance. The pictures are kind of hilarious. They look as choreographed and staged as Kim Kartrashian’s entire life. I once saw a production of Romeo & Juliet performed entirely by wooden puppets and that shit looked more real and human than Gina and Henry’s dinner date. Rehearsals were held for that dinner date. That’s not real red wine, it’s dyed water and the only words that were spoken were from the actor hired to play a waiter who said, “I can’t believe this shit only pays scale.”
And Henry doing all these stage photo-ops makes me think that he’s actually a really hot animatronic robot who was built by Hollywood and they have yet to perfect the part of his hard drive that makes it looks like he feels real human emotions.
With all that being said, Henry and Gina are so much better than him and that celery chick from TV.
The “Kaley Cuoco Starbucks For Two” Watch ended before it even began. Who’s Starbucks will she carry now?!!!!
E! News says that Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill’s totally natural and not-at-all staged hand-holding photo-ops are done. It’s always a sad day in Hollywood when two publicists can’t make the details of a contract work. Shit, they didn’t even have a short-term contract. Their relationship (or whatever you want to call it) was a test drive. The milk they bought during their staged grocery store photo-op lasted longer than their entire relationship did. E! says that even though you could count the dates they went on together on two fingers, they will stay friends (HA!) and Kaley is going to shellac the hand that touched Superman’s hand.
Oh well, I was kind of hoping that Kaley and Henry would go on a couple more staged dates, get engaged in front of the paps and marry in front of the paps so the heads of his fangirls would explode, but I guess that’s not going to happen. Kaley and Henry can learn something from this. What did all of our moms say? You can fuck right away, but you should wait until at least the third date before you call the paparazzi. At least Kaley got some Superman peen out of it. I think.
A quick second after Kaley Cuoco’s publicist put on their “anonymous source” disguise to tell UsWeekly that she’s wet humping on Superman, she was papped getting two drinks at the Starbucks near her house in Sherman Oaks, CA. It was her subtle way of letting us know that Henry Cavill was at her house, waiting naked in her bed and she didn’t pick up a stirrer from Starbucks, because she was planning on using his dick to stir in the sugar. Then the day of Kaley and Henry’s totally natural and not-at-all-choreographed hand-holding trip to the grocery store, she was papped getting two drinks at Starbucks AGAIN! And now here she is strolling out of a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks on Saturday morning with two drinks. Even my uncle in the background knows what this bitch is up to. Bitch is rubbing her Superman-blessed coochie in all of our faces while drinking a Venti serving of your jealousy.
I’m surprised that Kaley didn’t make sure the paps got a full shot of the part of her cup where the barista wrote “the TV star who’s fucking Superman” with a black Sharpie. She probably didn’t show us, because the barista wrote “THAT BITCH” instead.
Because Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill know that the tabloids are going to need a picture of them holding hands for their “Yep, We’re Fucking!” covers next week, they held hands while going
grocery shopping for a ho stroll stroll in front of the paps in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday. You can almost hear their publicists saying into the earpieces they’re wearing, “Okay Henry, put your hand in your pocket and make it look real casual. Okay, Kaley, do that McKayla face so it looks like you’re ‘meh’ about boning Superman even though we all know that we had to sedate your coochie for this photo-op, because it kept howling every time you touched him.”
These two just told us that they were doing it earlier this week and they’re already working those paps like Pimp Mama Kris is pulling their strings. They’re going to be papped house hunting tomorrow, shopping for engagement rings on Saturday, getting a marriage license on Sunday, buying baby clothes on Monday and coming out of the hospital with their new baby on Tuesday. These two are quickly becoming my favorite PRomance of all PRomances. Because just like Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, jealous whores on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook are hating on Kaley like it’s their full-time job (aka like a blogger). Who knew that the blond Katy Perry meets Tori Spelling-looking trick from The Big Bang Theory could bring out emotions in anybody. I love it.
Oh, and here comes trouble….
She’s like a young Kimmy Gibbler. I don’t know if she’s saying “Gaaaaarl, the hell is he doing with you?” or “Gaaaaaarl, get that PR!”
Here’s Kaley Cuoco in Sherman Oaks, CA this morning, smiling for the paps while walking to her car with two coffees in each hand. TWO COFFEES! TWO COFFEES! Kaley’s publicist already bluntly let us know that she’s slurping on Henry Cavill’s peen and now here she is shoving it down our throats. (For reference: Here’s what she’s shoving down our throats. It obviously won’t go all the way down our throats, but it might touch our uvulas.) One coffee is for her and the other is for Superman, obviously. Or maybe one coffee is for her to down so she can get more energy to fuck Superman some more and the other cup is full of ice water to throw on her chocha when it starts to overheat. Evil bitch!
And in other news, the hell is she wearing?
Both People and UsWeekly say that Henry Cavill has stopped humping Gina Carano and is now humping Kaley Cuoco from the The Big Bang Theory. If I was writing this post on my phone, auto-correct would change that last sentence to read: WHAT THE HELL?!
Kaley’s rep called UsWeekly from a blocked phone and said, “Hello, this is an anonymous source and I am calling to tell you that the multi-talented, gorgeous, People’s Choice-nominated actress Kaley Cuoco is dating Henry Cavill. Henry is a massive Big Bang Theory fan and he’s always wanted to date Kaley Cuoco. That’s K-A-L-E-Y space C-U-O-C-O. Goodbye!” The “source” really said that part about Henry always wanting to date Kaley. The laughs: Kaley’s publicist knows how to bring them.
The source also said that it’s just beginning stages of their relationship and they’re trying to keep it hush hush. Keep it hush hush? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. When you’re doing Henry Cavill, you never close your mouth. When you’re not opening your mouth to wrap your lips around Henry’s peen, you’re opening your mouth to tell everyone that you’ve just wrapped your lips around Henry’s peen. You’d change your voicemail message to say, “Hi, I can’t come to the phone right now, because I’m too busy cumming on Superman’s crotch.” You’d change your e-mail signature to read, “If there’s any spelling or grammatical errors, blame it on the fact that Henry Cavill was doing me hard from behind while I typed this email.” Every time you had to sign a receipt, you’d sign it as the lucky bitch who gets to fuck Superman.
And I can’t hate on Kaley. A trick who wore a busted blond-Elvira-gone-wrong wig to the SAGs (see above) can pull in some hot British dick. Kaley Cuoco is truly living fucking the dream.