What a holy weekend this is. We have Easter, my favorite holiday, and it’s huge for movies. Easter is about rebirth and that’s what’s happening at the theater. Old, familiar characters brought back to us with a fresh spin and new vision. What better way to celebrate the renewal of the crops, our faith and the world’s energy than with a trip to land of the silver screen. I’m of course talking about the most important movie of 2016, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2! But, there’s this other movie out that idiot people seem more concerned with, Batman v Superman. It’s this movie with Ben Affleck and that guy who bearded Kaley Cuoco, Henry Cavill, punching each other. Apparently it’s making tons of money and going to keep making more, despite having TERRIBLE reviews. Reviews that make Ben very, very sad…
Henry Cavill has finally stopped burping up at the mouth about his 19-year-old girlfriend and #OscarsSoWhite and is talking about a topic many of us really care about: his naked ass body. Henry was on Late Night with Seth Meyers (via E!) last night and told the tale of how he ended up giving a golden shower show at the top of a Los Angeles hotel at three in the morning. Don’t worry, a Kartrashian was not involved.
I’m betting a couple of stylists are going to be down at the unemployment office. Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill showed up to the Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice premiere in Mexico City all identically creamy. These two don’t strike me as the type to plan cutesy stunts. Both of them are too busy doing the endless press for this allegedly endless flick. They’re probably too stressed out to be that annoying. Hank’s probably terrified he’s going to go the way of Brandon Routh (let me help you with that”?”). Ben’s sweating over how much it’s going to hurt to get that monstrosity on his back lasered off now that he’s said it’s supposedly fake. They were probably both hissy over the other guy trying to channel Gatsby as well.
What do I know? I myself am too busy wondering how they’re going to tell me Batman is going to stand a chance against Superman to care about this. I don’t even like Superman and I still know that he would rip Batman’s head off and use it as a really morbid doorstop.
Here’s more thrilling pics of Affleck, Cavill, Gal Godot (Wonder Woman), and director Zach Snyder.
We’ve all been slowly driving by Ben Affleck in our convertibles with the top down, sunglasses on, coffee in hand, watching. Waiting for when the real messy shit is gonna start. Him and Jennifer Garner split almost a year ago but are doing their damn hardest to tell us all “we’re friends and our kids love it! Look! We go on vacation and still live together!” Other than the nanny and Jen’s recent Vanity Fair article there hasn’t been much reason to put the car in park or even idle. The CW level star of this whole thing has been Ben’s enormous, so cool, not Ed Hardy-like (RIP, girl), totally not mid-life crisis phoenix back tattoo. But now, apparently, Ben has been S1m0ne-ing us. She’s not real! She doesn’t exist!
Ben and Henry Cavill sat down with living non-threatening Latino Ken doll, Mario Lopez, for Extra, to chit and chat about this little indie they worked on, Batman V Superman. It’s something to do with the struggle to be human and doing the right thing. Snooze! Mario knows we don’t care about some low-budget, limited release turd, so he made sure to ask about Ben’s back masterpiece.
Mario: The tat on your back – real or fake for a movie?
Ben: Fake for a movie.
Mario: But you’re not at liberty to talk about it?
Ben: I actually do have a number of tattoos… but I try to have them in places where you don’t have to do a lot of cover up… they get sort of addictive, tattoos, after awhile.
Typing all that had me thinking of their initials, BM. Which is what this weak “for a movie” defense sounds like to me. BM and BS. I’m calling BS, Ben. You’re gonna sit there and lie to us, the audiences that have watched you grow from an out of the blue Oscar winner to the star of Gigli we see before us today? For shame, Ben, for shame. If she doesn’t exist, why is Jennifer Garner talking about her? Why is Jennifer Garner throwing her a smile and a wave in Vanity Fair so the bitch knows to be scared? You can lie to us, Ben, fine, but don’t lie to yourself!!
And on this episode of Shit Superman Says, Henry Cavill has moved on from giving us brand new information by saying that being rich is a beautiful dream and is now talking about fuck-deficient chicks catcalling him and trying to pick his ass up when he’s with his 19-year-old girlfriend Tara King. Superman also said something about sex fences…
Many millionaire actors have pulled our dicks by saying that they don’t make pieces of shit Hollywood movies because of the money, they do it for their art. They don’t make big-budget Hollywood action movies because of the eight figure checks they bring. They do it because it brings them major amounts of artistic fulfillment. But hot and furry Easter Island statue Henry Cavill isn’t going to tell us bullshit lies. Henry admits that he’s not only making movies because “acting” is his life and he’ll die without it. Henry loves the millions of dollars he makes from being a movie star. At least SOMEONE is being honest, but seriously, here I was thinking that Henry was only playing the multi-layered character of Superman over and over again because it truly stroked his thespian bone good. I was wrong.
“Batman v Superman” doesn’t come out until the end of the month and the PR hos at DC and Warner Bros. are not going to let anyone forget that! They’ve sunk $250 million into this movie – a movie, I suspect, is actually going to be about Ben Affleck‘s back tattoo. Entertainment Weekly has an article chronicling what’s at stake with this movie and the planned DC universe. It’s interesting but about as long as “Batman v Superman” is going to be, which is two hours and thirty-one fucking minutes!
It’s amazing to see just how hard these people want to sell us something. On the second page of the article, there’s a fun little nugget of a paragraph,
If BvS sounds crowded, it actually got smaller as time went on. The PG-13 movie’s 2 hour 31 minute runtime will expand further with an R-rated “Ultimate Edition” on home video, featuring even more brutal fight scenes as well as additional hints at future films. There’ll also be some new characters, including a secret one played by Jena Malone, who was cut from the theatrical release.
The movie isn’t even out yet and already they’re hustling us for that DVD money. They slashed that R to a PG-13 to get kiddie money and are now dangling more hardcore Ben Affleck on Henry Cavill action in front of the noses of those ride or die geeks that cream their Superman undies every time they release another teaser trailer. I really don’t have enough “I can’t”s for them selling us Jena Malone as a “secret character”. She got cut out of the movie for whatever reason, probably for time, and that’s that. Call it a deleted scene, call it a fun bonus, but please don’t try and sell me some expanded experience nonsense. This whole thing is like when you go to a fancy steakhouse and the $75 porter strip sirloin whatever doesn’t come with any sides so you have to order $12 carrots and mashed potatoes.
Pic: Warner Bros.
Last Friday, Henry Cavill’s 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King caused thousands of aspiring celebrity girlfriends to leap out of their seats and give her a round of applause when she was seen arriving at LAX with him two days before the Oscars. Usually it takes a while for a celebrity girlfriend to achieve plus-1 Oscar status, but Tara managed to do it in a mere four months. Just like that, Tara went from 19-year-old college student to 19-year-old life inspiration.
Sadly, Tara King’s reign as the Queen of the Celebrity Teen Girlfriends didn’t last long. When Henry Cavill walked the Oscars red carpet, he did it alone. And when the camera panned to Henry in the audience during the show, it appeared that he was sitting next to a bunch of adults, which can only mean one thing: poor Tara was left in the hotel room on Oscar night. “Sorry Tara, but Oscar Guest is an honor you’ve got to earn” said former celebrity girlfriend Suki Waterhouse. But because Henry Cavill isn’t a completely terrible boyfriend, he swung by the hotel, told her to throw on a dress and press on some Lee’s, and brought her to the Vanity Fair party after the Oscars.
How kind of him! At least she got to walk one red carpet. Sure, it’s technically beige, and it’s about as exclusive as a Target store, but it’s something. Plus, it gave Henry a chance to try out a couple new Handsome Boyfriend™ poses (I think the one above is called The Suave Mannequin).You know, it was really dumb of Henry not to take his teenage girlfriend to the Oscars. When the Academy finds out he had an opportunity to get a young person to watch the show and didn’t take it, they’re going to be so pissed.
Here’s Henry walking the red carpet by himself on Sunday night:
Pics: AP, Wenn.com
I have no idea how Henry Cavill got his hands on my favorite sweatshirt from the 5th grade, but at least now I know what happened to it after I threw it away. So, Superman was seen strolling through LAX last night, which isn’t exactly a surprise, since he’s presenting an award at the Oscars on Sunday. But it was a bit of a surprise that he was being trailed by his 19-year-old college student girlfriend, Tara King.
Tara goes to school in England, and the last time I checked, taking a trip to Los Angeles isn’t exactly the sort of thing you can do between classes. Maybe they’re still on reading week? Or maybe her teachers are smart and know the value of dating a famous rich older dude. I’m sure they were like “He’s taking you to the Oscars? Congratulations Tara, you just earned your PhD in Celebrity Girlfriending, now get out of here.”
Obviously we don’t know for sure whether or not Henry will walk down the red carpet with Tara. But I can’t see why Tara would fly all the way from England to Los Angeles just so she could sit in a hotel room by herself in her underwear with a tray of lukewarm room service nachos and watch the show on TV. Actually, that sounds like a lot more fun than going to the actual ceremony.
Here’s more of Henry and Tara at LAX yesterday. Henry is a pro at the whole pap stroll with the girlfriend thing, so of course they weren’t photographed together at the airport. Why would he waste a perfectly good Oscar weekend girlfriend photo op on the airport paps? You gotta save it for a more important place, like the grocery store.
During an interview with Elle (via Henry Cavill News) to promote Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, the interviewer Mickey Rapkin brought up his 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King and wondered what does he talk about with a youngin’ whose face probably contorts into a bold-faced question mark when he asks her what her favorite Ace of Base song is.