I know, guy in the Kenny Powers sunglasses, I’m just as shocked as you are. Last week we learned that Henry Cavill had maybe sat his 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King down, told her to put away her homework for a second, and informed her that she wasn’t going to be a famous person’s girlfriend anymore. But true mid-30s/teen love never dies, apparently. Or at the very least, finds a way to bring itself back to life a few times before it’s officially declared dead.
Shortly after the rumors of them being done popped up, Henry and Tara were seen at a charity run in Henry’s home isle of Jersey. Yes, that buff piece in the black shirt standing next to a ponytailed blonde in the peach tank above is Henry and Tara. But just because Henry and Tara got all sweaty for charity together, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s back off the market. A source told UsWeekly last week that their plan is to remain “good friends.”
Yahoo has a couple better pictures of Henry and Tara at the charity run. All of which feature Henry in some tight spandex running leggings and a pec-accentuating GoPro holster, which you can see here if you want to see that. What am I saying? Who wouldn’t want to see Superman’s junk stuffed in some tights? Well, besides all the critics who are shuddering at the idea of watching Batman vs. Superman a second time, of course.
Yahoo says that Henry and Tara were joined by Henry’s family (that lady in the hat taking a picture of Henry and Tara is Henry’s mama) and Tara’s daddy, and that they “happily” chatted with each other. No word on what they chatted about, but I’m going to guess that at least one person made it awkward by saying: “So…this is weird, right? Like, are they a thing or not? I’d really like to know how I should be tagging my Instagram pictures.”
“Oi, why is your assistant standing over in front of an airport limo with my name on it holding a gift bag and my luggage? Crap, I think I remember reading something about this in the chapter on termination in my famous person’s girlfriend welcome manual.”
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Henry Cavill’s nine month long relationship with a 19-year-old British college student named Tara King is over. Congratulations, everyone who gets damp for Henry Cavill, you can go back to catcalling him in public again! Sources say that Henry dumped her. Apparently she’s “devastated” because Henry was “the love of her life.” If it makes her feel any better, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of aspiring famous person girlfriends who are just as devastated. I mean, he took her to an Oscar afterparty; does that mean nothing anymore?
Said sources also claim that Henry’s breakup included the classic “…but we can totally still be friends.” Apparently that meant that Tara was still allowed to come to Henry’s 33rd birthday party at the beginning of the month. Inviting the teenage girl you just dumped to your birthday party? That’s definitely not a recipe for an awkward dramatic night. I wonder how many sloppy drunk locked-bathroom door screaming fights happened every time she caught him talking to another just-legal blonde.
I wouldn’t cry for Tara just yet. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Henry Cavill receives a text from Ben Affleck saying: “Hey, so is it cool if I get her number? I’m trying to fix shit with my wife, but you know – in case that doesn’t work out.” And I say, go for it, Tara! Get that Lexus. Reach for the famous person girlfriend stars.
What a holy weekend this is. We have Easter, my favorite holiday, and it’s huge for movies. Easter is about rebirth and that’s what’s happening at the theater. Old, familiar characters brought back to us with a fresh spin and new vision. What better way to celebrate the renewal of the crops, our faith and the world’s energy than with a trip to land of the silver screen. I’m of course talking about the most important movie of 2016, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2! But, there’s this other movie out that idiot people seem more concerned with, Batman v Superman. It’s this movie with Ben Affleck and that guy who bearded Kaley Cuoco, Henry Cavill, punching each other. Apparently it’s making tons of money and going to keep making more, despite having TERRIBLE reviews. Reviews that make Ben very, very sad…
Henry Cavill has finally stopped burping up at the mouth about his 19-year-old girlfriend and #OscarsSoWhite and is talking about a topic many of us really care about: his naked ass body. Henry was on Late Night with Seth Meyers (via E!) last night and told the tale of how he ended up giving a golden shower show at the top of a Los Angeles hotel at three in the morning. Don’t worry, a Kartrashian was not involved.
I’m betting a couple of stylists are going to be down at the unemployment office. Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill showed up to the Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice premiere in Mexico City all identically creamy. These two don’t strike me as the type to plan cutesy stunts. Both of them are too busy doing the endless press for this allegedly endless flick. They’re probably too stressed out to be that annoying. Hank’s probably terrified he’s going to go the way of Brandon Routh (let me help you with that”?”). Ben’s sweating over how much it’s going to hurt to get that monstrosity on his back lasered off now that he’s said it’s supposedly fake. They were probably both hissy over the other guy trying to channel Gatsby as well.
What do I know? I myself am too busy wondering how they’re going to tell me Batman is going to stand a chance against Superman to care about this. I don’t even like Superman and I still know that he would rip Batman’s head off and use it as a really morbid doorstop.
Here’s more thrilling pics of Affleck, Cavill, Gal Godot (Wonder Woman), and director Zach Snyder.
We’ve all been slowly driving by Ben Affleck in our convertibles with the top down, sunglasses on, coffee in hand, watching. Waiting for when the real messy shit is gonna start. Him and Jennifer Garner split almost a year ago but are doing their damn hardest to tell us all “we’re friends and our kids love it! Look! We go on vacation and still live together!” Other than the nanny and Jen’s recent Vanity Fair article there hasn’t been much reason to put the car in park or even idle. The CW level star of this whole thing has been Ben’s enormous, so cool, not Ed Hardy-like (RIP, girl), totally not mid-life crisis phoenix back tattoo. But now, apparently, Ben has been S1m0ne-ing us. She’s not real! She doesn’t exist!
Ben and Henry Cavill sat down with living non-threatening Latino Ken doll, Mario Lopez, for Extra, to chit and chat about this little indie they worked on, Batman V Superman. It’s something to do with the struggle to be human and doing the right thing. Snooze! Mario knows we don’t care about some low-budget, limited release turd, so he made sure to ask about Ben’s back masterpiece.
Mario: The tat on your back – real or fake for a movie?
Ben: Fake for a movie.
Mario: But you’re not at liberty to talk about it?
Ben: I actually do have a number of tattoos… but I try to have them in places where you don’t have to do a lot of cover up… they get sort of addictive, tattoos, after awhile.
Typing all that had me thinking of their initials, BM. Which is what this weak “for a movie” defense sounds like to me. BM and BS. I’m calling BS, Ben. You’re gonna sit there and lie to us, the audiences that have watched you grow from an out of the blue Oscar winner to the star of Gigli we see before us today? For shame, Ben, for shame. If she doesn’t exist, why is Jennifer Garner talking about her? Why is Jennifer Garner throwing her a smile and a wave in Vanity Fair so the bitch knows to be scared? You can lie to us, Ben, fine, but don’t lie to yourself!!