Judgmental side-eye lady in the back may or may not be expressing your thoughts about that headline.
The Daily Mail says that all of you hussies can stop sending Henry Cavill a pair of your used panties with your number written on the crotch, because he’s off the market for now. 32-year-old Henry is apparently dating 19-year-old freshmen college student Tara King (the blondie orange sitting next to him). How very Scott Disick of him! They met at a club in London in August and have been a thing ever since. They were together at a Rugby World Cup game earlier this month. The Daily Mail even called up Tara King’s mother and asked her if it’s true that her daughter is doing the Superman with Superman.
When asked about her daughter’s romance yesterday, Miss King’s mother said: ‘That’s something you would need to speak to her about, not me.’
Cavill’s publicist did not respond to requests for comment.
I refuse to take Henry and Tara King’s relationship as 100% real until I see staged paparazzi pictures of them strolling hand-in-hand through a grocery store parking lot.
Some people are throwing burning looks of judgement at Superman for dating a teenager, but I’m sure Henry and Tara King will prove all the hating haters wrong and in 50 years they’ll be back at that same spot together watching their grandson play rugby. Or Henry will dump her next week for an 18-year-old. Yeah, definitely the latter.
Here’s Henry Cavill struttin’ that ass while wearing a sweatshirt that is LYING to us all, because I glued my eyeballs to the screen and it doesn’t look like he’s gone commando. Henry took his emotional support Akita Kal-El for a walk in London and he worked his hot Dr. Evil-approved pinky ring while doing so. THAT PINKY RING! Pinky rings are only okay if you’re a 12-year-old girl from the late 90s, a mob boss, an evil dictator who hungers for world domination or if you want to add a little girth to your pinky for finger and fist fuck play… Okay, I think I just answered my question as to why Henry Cavill is wearing that pinky ring*.
* I read that it’s a family ring, but I’m still going to choose to believe it’s for finger and fist fuck play.
“GOOD!” queefed/peefed (peen queefed) everyone whose crotch parts get humid for Henry Cavill. Last week, Matt Bomer’s brother from another mother chatted with Men’s Health UK about bums and boners and how unsexy it is to flash your junk to a room full of gaffers and best boys and the dude holding the boom mic during the filming of a sex scene. Well, he’s talking about sex again, but this time it’s about how playing Superman is like fucking. Lay down a tarp, and get ready for your brain to imagine a 7″ rod of kryptonite being used in a truly nasty way (just me? okay). Henry tells The Guardian:
“It’s like shagging someone for the first time. Sometimes it turns out to be amazing. Mostly you’re trying to get each other’s rhythm going. It’s on the next go that you start to expand.”
Tell me more about this expanding situation, Henry, and take your time – I have nowhere to be. Henry also talks about how he needs to be jacked like Superman, otherwise the random tricks he brings home from the bar will be disappointed.
“If you were to meet a bird out in a bar and bring her home, she’s expecting Superman. This is not Superman and she’s going to be mega-disappointed. There’s a blessing in being Superman. You get more attention. But there’s also a curse, which is that you’d better fucking look like Superman any time you need to get your kit off.”
“Shagging“, “bird“, “get your kit off” – has Henry Cavill always sounded like Austin Powers or am I just noticing this now? Dude was an “Oh, behave!” away from receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Mike Myers. But Henry didn’t stop there. Henry popped by The Tonight Show and talked about how he stays in Superman shape. Spoiler alert: it requires fucking.
Well, implied fucking. That smirk could mean a multitude of things: aggressive knitting, high-impact reading, increased heart-rate napping. Yeah, it’s definitely none of those. Or at least that’s what Henry’s publicist is desperate for us to believe.
Here’s Henry Cavill looking like a sexy groomsman at the New York premiere of The Man from G.E.T.S.M.A.R.T. or whatever it’s called, as well as everyone else from that movie, like Madonna’s old husband and The Winklevoss Twin.
Henry Cavill (yes, that’s Henry Cavill in the picture above and not the beefy beard baby of Jason Priestley and a plump Ball Park frank) pimped out that Man from U.N.C.L.E. movie in the September issue of Men’s Health UK and during the interview, he said the same thing every actor says: filming fuck scenes are the exact opposite of hot. Henry Cavill was in The Tudors, so he knows sex scenes and he says they’re uncomfortable and awkward. Well, if Henry’s trying to convince us that shooting sex scenes aren’t hot, he shouldn’t describe them so sexily. via UsWeekly
“You don’t think of sex scenes as showing your bum to the nation. It’s actually acutely uncomfortable being naked in a roomful of people. The very last thing it is is sexy. The actual physicality is very uncomfortable. All you’re doing is smacking your nuts against someone, and nothing is going in.”
Henry went on to talk about the time he got a boner while shooting a sex scene for The Tudors.
“It’s only happened to me once and it was very embarrassing. A girl had to be on top of me, she had spectacular breasts, and I hadn’t rearranged my—stuff into a harmless position. She’s basically rubbing herself all over me and, um, it got a bit hard. I had to apologize profusely afterward. It’s not great when you’re in a professional acting environment and somebody gets a boner, is it? No, not acceptable.”
There’s only one way to solve this. Henry should only do sex scenes with me. I can’t act, but I guarantee he wouldn’t have to apologize if he got a hard-on. But then again, he wouldn’t get a hard-on since his dick would shrivel up and scurry backwards up into his crotch as soon as I took my clothes off.
So let’s see, bare asses out, smacking nuts, hard dicks, spectacular breasts flopping around and bodies rubbing up against each other. Sounds pretty damn sexy to me. But seriously, Henry should record everything he said about sex scenes in a deep, deep, slow voice while smooth jazz music played in the background. And if he could throw in a few groans and a couple of “yeah, that’s it” in there, that’d be great!
Now we know what it looks like when Ben Affleck goes to donate a bunch of old DVDs to his local Savers and sees a sign that says “NO GIGLI.”
Ben Affleck has been laying pretty low since word got out that his marriage to Jennifer Garner had bitten the dust. But since he’s contractually obligated to pimp out that Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice movie, he showed up to San Diego Comic-Con. Yes, Ben Affleck looks like cold shit, but that might not be because he’s sad his marriage hit the skids. The Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice panel was held at 10:30am, and that’s pretty damn early for someone who was probably counting cards and chugging hooch till 4am the night before.
Sad Batman joined Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, the monotone boy robot from The Social Network, and Gal Godot on the BVS:DOJ panel, and their big thing was that they released a new nearly 4-minute long trailer featuring Wonder Woman.
The real star of that trailer is whatever the hell is living on Lex Luthor’s head. That wig is BUSTED and I love it. I kept hoping it was going to come alive with the magic of CGI and start cracking jokes. Is it too late to go back and re-write that into the movie? I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that Lex Luthor could really use a sassy lil’ talking polyester sidekick.
Here’s more of Ben Affleck at Comic-Con this morning with the rest of the BVS:DOJ cast.
The trailer for Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was supposed to make its debut to the public in select IMAX theaters on Monday. No, it’s not going to play in front of another movie. The trailer is going to play by itself in a special screening and fans have to RSVP to guarantee their asses a seat. I was going to throw a side-eye at the hos RSVPing for a damn trailer, but I am not the one to judge. If a proper Showgirls sequel was made and the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer was released only in theaters, I’d be typing out this post while waiting in line. But anyway, someone decided to screw with Warner Bros. yesterday by leaking a blurry, bootleg Portuguese version of the trailer. I’m sure most nerds were attached to an IV drip full of Gatorade last night from orgasming until they came dust while watching the trailer for the new Star Whores movie, so I’m not sure if any of them even bothered to touch themselves over their pants while watching the Batman V Superman trailer.
The trailer is about as light as a Catholic funeral and while our ears are hit with a bunch of pretentious voice overs, our eyes are hit with men staring at things. There’s a whole lot of staring going on. There’s Superman staring at stuff and Batman doing a spot-on impersonation of an Easter Island figure while staring at stuff. I have a feeling that the movie’s most riveting scene will be a staring contest between Batman and Superman. The trailer ends with Batman getting into some kinky, Fifty Shades of Rubber talk by saying, “Do you bleed? You will.”
UPDATE: The blurry, pirated one that was filmed on a potato was snatched away, but Warner Bros. released the trailer in HD.
And I really hope the second trailer gives us a long glimpse of this pivotal scene:
What’s the point of making a Batman V Superman movie if you’re not going to include the only superhero moment that any of us (read: me, just me) care about!
Oh booze, sweet booze. The sweet nectar can be a delicious and wonderful thing, but sometimes it leads you down a dark, destructive path where you wake up with half of your face burned off because the booze screwed with your decision-making skills and you thought it would be a really good idea to eat out Parasite Hilton. I’m assuming Henry Cavill’s plastered as shit in these pictures, but he could also have the dizzies from breathing in the toxic fumes wafting off of Wonky McValtrex.
Last night, W Magazine threw a party at the Chateau Marmont where Henry partied with Chris Evans and Gillian Anderson. I already screamed out, “Fuck you, Gillian,” at Gillian on behalf of all of us for being the cheese in that Double Down man sandwich. As Lainey at Lainey Gossip points out, Henry ignored the “Stay Away From Wonky” fliers that the Department of Health hands out when you arrive at LAX and got into an SUV with Paris Hilton after the party. This could be nothing, but then again, Henry (or his publicists) can really pick ’em.
Nobody saw this one coming. We all thought Superman would meet his tragic demise by the hand of Lex Luthor or from a deadly case of thrush (which he got from wearing those damn sweaty tights all the time). Nobody would’ve ever guessed that Superman would turn green and melt into a puddle of smegma after wet humping on Parasite Hilton’s kryptokooch. I bet she’s working for Lex Luthor. Look at her hiding in the shadows (and that attention whore NEVER does that) with an evil smirk on her face. Bitch knows what she’s doing.
Pics: Getty, Splash
The last time we checked in with fame enthusiast Kaley Glencoco’s former contractually obligated paparazzi boyfriend Henry Cavill, he was still dating human-shaped piece of solid steel Gina Carano, but it sounds like Henry and Gina may no longer be bumping rock hard fuck parts (for real, I bet Gina’s gina can curl a 30lb kettlebell). According to Celeb Dirty Laundry, 31-year-old Henry has allegedly moved on to a 21-year-old named Marisa Gonzalo.
No word on where they met, but I’m going to guess it probably wasn’t at a PETA fundraiser; apparently a quick peek at Marisa Gonzalo on social media shows a bunch of pictures of her posing with dead deers and bragging about killing squirrels. “Hey girl, gimme a call me when you’re single!” hollered a horny Ted Nugent. Normally huntin’ critters might not be that big of a deal breaker if you were, let’s say, a timber wolf or the dude who killed Bambi’s mom, but Henry Cavill is an ambassador for the Durrell Wildlife Park, an organization dedicated to the conservation of wildlife. So yeah, I could see how that might make things awkward between Henry and Marisa.
Henry: What did you do today?
Marisa: I shot 3 pheasants, what did you do?
Henry: Helped treat 3 wounded pheasants.
Although if this picture of Henry having dinner with Marisa’s family (or is it the other way around? Henry’s mom, please confirm) is any indication, it’s not that awkward? Or maybe Marisa family is just being nice so that Henry can’t say no when they ask him to join them on their next hunting trip. “You know, Superman – sorry, “Henry”, quails are hard to spot, and we were thinking maybe you could come with us and use your super-sight or super-smell to find them. Just think about it, talk to whoever you gotta talk to back on Krypton. In the meantime, we’ll try to find you a camo cape.”
Two days after Zack Snyder made the tips of tongues go hard by twatting out a picture of Batfleck’s juicy, hairy bubble butt chin, he made the nerds shoot a panty pudding geyser out of their assholes by showing the first picture of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman V Superman at Comic-Con in San Diego this morning. Wonder Woman’s looking like she put on some hot hooker boots she bought on Hollywood Blvd and slipped on a re-purposed Xena costume she got on clearance the day after Halloween at Party City to pose for an Instagram picture on the set of 300. When I first saw the words “Gal Gadot in Full Wonder Woman Costume” on my RSS feed, I braced my eyeballs for the worst, because I really thought Wonder Woman was going to look like a Wonder Mess. Maybe it’s because I was expecting the worst, but this isn’t that bad. Yes, she sort of does look like she’s doing lazy Xena cosplay and little skinny arms tell me that she must be the midget of the Amazons, but anything is better than the American Apparel stripper Wonder Woman that NBC gave us 3 years ago. Click here to see that shit in Hi-Res.
I do have something serious to bitch about, though. THAT HAIR! Bitch looks like she got up, squirted some leave-in conditioner in her hair and left the house. That is some “Monday morning letting my hair air dry while driving to work” hair. Wonder Woman does not have flat hair. Why would Wonder Woman ever have flat, basic hair when she can easily twirl some body into it? The Wonder Woman I know and love would never fight crime without her hair looking styled, set and sprayed. My feelings about Wonder Woman’s hair in that picture are best expressed through Lynda Carter’s side-eye that can penetrate through any gold cuff.
With all that being said, Slut-O-Ween 2016 can’t come soon enough, because I can’t wait to see all the drunk messes stumbling around the streets and bars while wearing the brown plastic version of the new Wonder Woman costume they bought at Rite-Aid.
Well, I guess my one signature petition to get Zack Snyder to cast videobomber vigilante Jim Cantore as Lex Luthor went directly into the shredder, because Warner Bros. announced today that Jesse Eisenberg will take a Flowbee and a pair of clippers to his glorious field of curls to play Superman’s forever rival. Zack Snyder’s still proving that whenever he casts a new role in that Superman vs. Batman mess, he asks himself, “What is going to make the entire internet explode into a tornado of FUCK YOUs?”
Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the only ho who just signed on for that future wreck, which will have every single DC character in it. Son marrier Jeremy Irons is going to play Alfred. Here’s what Zack had to say about Lex Luthor and Alfred:
“Lex Luthor is often considered the most notorious of Superman’s rivals, his unsavory reputation preceding him since 1940. What’s great about Lex is that he exists beyond the confines of the stereotypical nefarious villain. He’s a complicated and sophisticated character whose intellect, wealth and prominence position him as one of the few mortals able to challenge the incredible might of Superman. Having Jesse in the role allows us to explore that interesting dynamic, and also take the character in some new and unexpected directions.
As everyone knows, Alfred is Bruce Wayne’s most trusted friend, ally and mentor, a noble guardian and father figure. He is an absolutely critical element in the intricate infrastructure that allows Bruce Wayne to transform himself into Batman. It is an honor to have such an amazingly seasoned and gifted actor as Jeremy taking on the important role of the man who mentors and guides the guarded and nearly impervious façade that encapsulates Bruce Wayne.”
Jesse Eisenberg perfectly played a spoiled elitist billionaire asshole in The Social Network, so he’ll probably be a perfect Lex Luthor. Ben Affleck is almost as big as The Hammaconda and Henry Cavill is even bigger, so I can’t wait to see Lex Luthor have to stand on four apple crates and a stack of phone books to spit threats at Batman and Superman’s faces.
Zack Snyder’s random casting choices keep making the internet melt down, so I hope he keeps bringing the fuckery and I’ll keep laughing until he does something really ILLEGAL like casting Goopy Paltrow as Catwoman.