Category: Fancy

Open Post: Hosted By Barefoot And Oreo’s New “Cookie-Inspired” Wine

December 8, 2021 / Posted by:

Oreos and wine? Sure, but only if you pair them correctly. You don’t have to be a world-class oenologist to know that when it comes to wine pairings, the food chosen to pair with a particular vintage, should be informed by the terroir, as the French would say, where the grapes were grown. For example, let’s say your butler serves you a crisp, acidic 2016 Chenin blanc from the Loire Valley to have with your mid-day seafood tower, you are within your rights to slap that shit right out of their hand. It’s not cute, them playing in your face like that. You should be having a coastal wine, preferably something from the Bordeaux region. Any idiot knows this. Thankfully, Barefoot Wine has got it right. Food & Wine reports that Barefoot has teamed up with Oreo Thins to create a blend that not only reflects the microclimate of the windswept valley of Cookie Canyon, it also speaks to the fields of crèams that traverse the marshmallow hills of Candy Land-upon-Hasbro (™).

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In Case You Care, This Is What Jennifer Lawrence’s Engagement Ring Looks Like

February 24, 2019 / Posted by:

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lawrence was banging beige elevator music guitar hero Chris Martin before moving onto Darren Aronofsky (which I always saw as a bizarre setup, but the old timer seems to have no shortage of company of beautiful ladies, whether they deny it or not. That director dick must be good when he calls it to “Action“). Now America’s favorite farting/falling (farting while falling? I’ve heard that’s a thing) Sweetheart has taken the final step before locking her lady bits to one person forever by getting engaged to Cooke Maroney, an art dude from Gladstone Gallery, and she has a fat old rock on her lock down finger that proves it.

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Everyone Looked Like Tubes Of Lipstick At The Giver Premiere Last Night

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

I haven’t read “The Giver” since I was in the fourth grade (and even then, I probably just skimmed through it enough to have a vague understanding of the story, then went back to reading Betty and Veronica vs. That Slut Bitch Cheryl Blossom for the 1,384th time that week) but I don’t remember the color red being a thing. Cut to the worn-out copy of “The Giver” on my bookcase, hissing: “IT’S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THEME IN THE NOVEL, YOU ILLITERATE TWAT!”

All I can remember is that “The Giver” was set in some black-and-white dystopia world where people couldn’t remember what hamburgers tasted like and they forgot what a lion was (that’s definitely a part in it, I’m sure) and that an old dude called The Giver gave you memories and shit. It was basically The Hunger Games dry humped The Notebook.

Anyways, either red is a very important aspect of that book that I’m forgetting since my brain is 99.9999% memories of Shark Bites Fruit Snacks commercials, or everyone just decided to dress up like their favorite shade of lipstick, because why the hell not. Every single ho who walked the red carpet at the NYC premiere of The Giver looking like a swatch from a CoverGirl collection called “Soft Romance”. Katie Holmes wore a dress in light pink (Xenu Blush, I believe), Odeya Rush wore a gown in Aspiring KStew Rose, Taylor Swift wore a dress in Republican Princess Red on top and Unsweetened Oatmeal on the bottom, and Meryl Streep wore pants, because Meryl Streep was entered the “Fuck Spanx” part of her life. Meryl Streep is smart. Oh, and she also wore red, because I believe you would have been turned away at the door if you didn’t.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Elin Nordegren Just Bulldozed This Florida Mansion Down

January 5, 2012 / Posted by:

One day you’re wiping up another child’s barf as the nanny, then you’re humping Tiger Woods on your wedding night, then you’re chasing him down with a golf club and then you’re bulldozing down the $12 million Florida mansion you bought with your $100 million divorce settlement. Elin Nordegren is truly living the gold digging dream! Tiger Woods wrecked his own house by sticking his wandering peen into the chocha of every Waffle House waitress in Florida and now Elin Nordegren has wrecked her own house the old-fashioned way.

TMZ says Elin bought the 9,000 square foot, 6 bedroom, 8 bathroom beachfront mansion in North Palm Beach for $12 million in March. Elin must be a disciple of Teresa Giudice’s “living in a used house is gross” way of life, because she has torn it down and is planning to build her dream mansion complete with a gallery that will house the torn-off nutsacks of Tiger Woods, which was part of her settlement.

Isn’t this sort of thing a regular sport for the one percent? Whatever. Elin Nordegren earned the right to be wasteful as shit and build a multimillion dollar museum to celebrate the achievements of her perfect gold digging game.

But really, this post was just an excuse to pay tribute to a future gold digger that dropped on my radar during last night’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. I present to you….ALANA!

“I want monaaaaay! A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo child!” is the first two sentences every young star in the money hungry universe should learn. Elin should honor the future of gold diggers by naming her mansion Honey Boo Boo Child.

Demi Moore Is Getting Herself Some Of This

December 1, 2011 / Posted by:

AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa’s whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who’s winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you’re looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi’s lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date.

Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don’t only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar’s source had this to say about Demi’s new “romance“:

“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”

Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn’t work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work for Demi. I’ve always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar’s true soulmate awaits.

I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent’s eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it’s a shame they don’t wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime:

In case you haven’t already figured it out, that tingly sensation you’re feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video.

Binkies: A Hard Habit to Break!!!

June 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Anyone that has had kids possibly knows of the joy of getting rid of a kid’s pacifier… there’s not a more perfect parent in the world that knows this to be TRUE FACTS more than VADGE!!!

VADGE is stiiiiiiiiiiilllllllll sucking on the pacifier known as Baby Brahim (aka Jello Pudding’s new pedo-pop) despite prior reports of her dropping him off at the orphanage.

I’ve seen people try many a trick to discourage the pacifier ISSUE!!! However, VADGE knows how to mother the young of tomorrow and is only doing this for the GOOD OF HUMANITY!!!

My hat’s off to VADGE, but more importantly to Kid-N-Stay for sticking out having to watch her beef jerky ass do hours of weight lifting, NOT 14 HOURS LIKE HEIDI, DON’T BE IRRATIONAL!

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