Back in October, part-time rapper/ full-time poster child for crazy Azealia Banks got into it with a bouncer at a nightclub in Los Angeles. I have no idea why Azealia went full-Azealia that night. Maybe he triggered the Oh Hell No switch in her brain by telling her he really liked her song “Fancy.” Regardless, Azealia and the bouncer started fighting and it was all caught on camera.
Usually the words “caught on camera” means you better start practicing how to walk into jail with a handful cigarettes tucked between your butt cheeks, but Azealia doesn’t have to do any of that. TMZ says that Azealia Banks won’t do any time for allegedly beating on a club bouncer, because the L.A. City Attorney has thrown the case out. Even though footage of their fight was caught on a security camera, law enforcement can’t tell who started it. And since the bouncer didn’t have any injuries, it’s sort of a draw.
That’s not to say that Azealia’s bouncer-whooping days are behind her. Back in December, Azealia got into a fight with the bouncers at a club in NYC that ended with Azealia biting one of the bouncer’s boobies. That shit hasn’t gone to court yet.
But as one crazy door closes, another one opens. Earlier today, she hopped on Twitter, set her internal thought filter to bonkers, and started typing up a shade-laced endorsement of aspiring Presidential candidate/confirmed turd Donald Trump. Azealia truly covered all the bases of why Trump should be the 45th President of the United States: he’s evil, he’s a piece of shit, he’s not a THOT like the other candidates – you know, all the qualities the founding fathers wanted in a leader.
A few months ago, Azealia Banks allegedly spit in a French dude’s face and called a flight attendant a “fucking faggot” on a plane. After that mess, Azealia should’ve tried to chill all the way out by meditating in a Calgon bath while Enya played in the background and the soothing scent of angel whispers wafting off of a lit Glade candle filled her nostrils. Or she should’ve taken her ass to anger management. But nope, Azealia Banks is still being Azealia Banks and early this morning she got arrested after her delusions of grandeur got the best of her and she took a bite out of a chichi.
It’s nice to know that Azealia Banks doesn’t only mouth fart up the “faggot” word and bust out massive amounts of crazy on Twitter. Azealia Banks does it in the world outside of Twitter too! At least she’s consistently HER.
Iggy Azalea’s #1 fan (served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) and a sort-of supporter of Donald Trump’s thoughts on immigration (not served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) was on a flight from NYC to LAX early this morning and she gave passengers several servings of her signature messiness when the plane landed. A passenger tells TMZ that after the plane landed at 1 this morning, Azealia was more than ready to get off of that bitch and she grabbed her bag before quickly making her way to the exit. Azealia was in the 6th row and her plan to get off the plane first was blocked by a French couple in the 3rd row. The couple was in the aisle getting their bags from the overhead and when Azealia tried to squeeze by them, the French dude “put his hand out” to block her. That little move switched Azalea’s switch and bitch went off on him in more ways than one.
Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.
Yesterday, I linked to a few things that rapper, professional Twitter troll and anti-Igloo Australia activist Azealia Banks told Playboy, but she said a lot more. Azealia Banks, who was born in America and lives in America, told an American magazine she was paid to pose naked in that she wants to leave this country, because she hates everything about it from the fat white people to the racist memaws of teenage KMart cashiers. CAUTION: Farm shaming ahead!
Once again, for those of you thinking “Which one is she? The Iggy or the Azalea?“, above is American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. And the one she’s currently in a hate-hate relationship with is Azealia Banks. Don’t worry – it’s not just you; this feud is really confusing, and I’m able to tell the two apart. Not to mention that it’s making me type so many variations of the name “Azalea/Azealia” that I’ve just about worn out the Z key on my keyboard.
Anyways, last week Azalea Banks (not pictured) started focusing her patented brand of Twitter crazy on Iggy Azalea (pictured) by accusing her of profiting off of American rap culture. Iggy responded by dragging Azealia on Twitter, which prompted the hacker group Anonymous to threaten Iggy on Twitter that if she didn’t apologize to Azealia they’d release screen grabs from her hypothetical sex tape. Their Twitter account has since been suspended, but they were replaced with rapper Q-Tip, who decided to hop on Twitter and give Iggy a hip hop history lesson. Meanwhile, Twitter just bought the Costco-sized bottle of extra-strength Tylenol to deal with the massive headache it has from all this Twitter foolery.
And yesterday, Iggy responded to the haters or whatever on Twitter (“NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE!” cried Twitter, as it curled into the fetal position). And by “responded”, I mean “wrote a damn novel”.
Hacker Group Anonymous Has Threatened To Reveal Secrets About Iggy Azalea Unless She Apologizes To Azealia Banks
For those of you thinking “Which one is the Itchy?“, American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea is on the left, and crazy-pants “gremlin baby” (copyright: T.I.) Azealia Banks is on the right. And right now, the one on the left is sweating her phony accent off, because she might have to decide between a public apology to the crusty human canker sore in her life or the door of her closet being blasted open and all of her skeletons falling out.
In case you’re not caught up on your messy Twitter fights, the latest feud between Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks started when Iggy took a couple swipes at Azealia on Twitter after she discovered that Azealia was once again talking shit about her during a recent radio interview. Not surprisingly, Azealia hissed back a bunch of crazy, and it just escalated from there. And now its gotten 10x messier, because the hacker group Anonymous has gotten themselves involved, and they’re Team Azealia Banks. According to Billboard, Anonymous started tweeting at Iggy Azalea last night, accusing her that she’s guilty of “misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death” and threatening that if she doesn’t release a statement apologizing to Azealia Banks and the protesters in NYC, they would release proof that an Iggy Azalea sex tape exists. Not the whole tape, mind you, but several screen grabs showing her face, and maybe one of two of her old ass (I’m just assuming; they didn’t actually say that last part).
So far, Iggy Azalea hasn’t said anything about Anonymous’ threats or an apology, so it sounds like she might be calling their bluff like you used to when you were a kid and your babysitter threatened to call your parents. “Yeah? Go ahead. Here, use the good phone – that other one cuts in and out.” And Azealia Banks hasn’t said anything, because she’s too busy getting into a Twitter fight with rapper Action Bronson.
I’m sure there is someone somewhere has a video of Iggy Azalea going to town on some dude’s didgeridoo, but does anyone really care that much? I feel like this is just Anonymous being jealous that the Sony hackers are getting so much attention. “Hey! Over here! We have stuff to leak too! Pay attention to us!“
It’s well-documented that Azealia Banks (the gremlin baby one, not the White Chicks–looking one) is a certifiable mess who is actively trying to convince her record label that she’s dead , so no one was surprised when that difficult mogwai was a no-show at the Hove Festival in Norway. No, literally, no one was surprised because no one was there to watch her.
According to Gigwise, Azealia didn’t want to make the 4-hour drive to the festival site (probably because she only has that one song to perform) so she called up festival organizers at the 11th hour and told them she wasn’t going to make it. Thankfully, they didn’t have to worry about the crowd losing their minds and turning Hove into Altamont when they found out the singer of that song from The Bling Ring trailer wasn’t going to make it. Someone tweeted this picture of what was allegedly the audience 5 minutes before Azealia was scheduled to perform, and they all look like they were ready to leave anyway:
I’m really hoping this picture is real and not just some cruel gremlin prank, because it’s almost too perfect. There was a better turn-out when my elementary school jazz band played the ribbon-cutting of a parking lot. But in the event this picture is fake, I want to know what concert Waldo and his girlfriend Wilma were there to see. You’re right, definitely Cradle of Filth.
And I know Azealia Banks is trying to convince her record label that she’s dead, but I think her “fans” are doing a pretty good job all by themselves.
I know I know, technically that should say “Musty-mouthed syphilis-lipped ungly-ass gremlin baby”, but there wasn’t enough room. Part-time rapper and full-time messy disaster person Azealia Banks managed to pull herself away from her most recent Twitter fight for long enough to give an interview to Out Magazine and explain why it’s taking her as long to finish an album as Kendall Jenner trying to finish reading the first page of The Cat in the Hat.
2012’s most popular Azealia (not to be confused with the current title holder, Iggy Azalea) told Out that the reason it’s taking her forever to release something other than that Casiotone-sounding song from The Bling Ring trailer is because she hates her current label, Interscope, and she’s dragging her heels on purpose to spite them. Wow, difficult gremlin Azealia Banks is being a difficult gremlin on purpose? SHOCKING!
“I can’t talk about what I’ve been writing about because I’m just keeping stuff until I’m off this label. I can’t really risk them getting excited about me again. I kind of want them to think that I’m dead. I haven’t been leaking any songs that could potentially be hits. I haven’t been releasing anything that could potentially be phenomenal.”
Azealia doesn’t need to talk about what she’s been writing, because anyone with a wifi connection knows 99% of her writing is done on Twitter, 100% of which is the exact opposite of “phenomenal.” And the only potential hits Azealia has are the ones that come up after searching “Azealia Banks + hot mess” on Google.
And with a name like Banks, you’d think she knew a thing or two about how money works, but apparently not. How does she think she’s going to make any money if she’s holding all that bleep-bloop Nintendo music hostage from the people who keeps the lights on at her gremlin cave? Bitch needs a Suze Orman in her life.
That Model Magic-faced troublemaking Muppet is at it again! Less than a month after an Instagram picture of Tameka “Tiny” Cottle instigated a fight between T.I. and boxer Floyd Mayweather that turned into an ugly Memorial Day chair-throwing Fatburger brawl, she’s found herself in the middle of yet another one of her husband’s fights, this time with full-time professional crazy Internet person (and sometime rapper) Azealia Banks. Billboard says that it all started after the release of T.I.’s single with Iggy Azalea, “No Mediocre”, to which Azealia Cupholder Full of Loose Change Tweeted (then deleted):
“U want no mediocre but…Have you seen your wife?”
RUDE! Tiny Cottle is the very definition of remarkable and extraordinary, you jealous hag. Naturally a statement that nasty would make anyone want to reply back: “Bitch, have you seen how long it’s taking you to release an album??”, but T.I. took the high road and said nothing. This must have pissed off Azealia even more, because she kept taking swipes at T.I. and Tiny in an insanely bold Twitter rant on Tuesday (which has since been deleted, because Azealia has a hard time releasing stuff) but thankfully Billboard hit ctrl+C before she did. This shit is long and messy, so it’s after the break:
I love to drunk watch David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding on WE, because it makes the dead organ that is my heart beat for a second when he tells a bride that the wedding dress she bought is tacky trash and it makes the dead organ that is my heart beat for two seconds when the bridesmaids tell the bride that the dress she picked out for them is tacky trash. Well, now David is going from designing weddings to designing his own divorce party, because he has quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica. David and Ryan are expecting twins via a surrogate this summer, so they’re fighting over two unborn babies too. The Kramer vs. Kramer drama of it all!
TMZ says that David and Ryan got married in Vermont in 2003, but they live in California, where same-sex marriage isn’t recognized, so they filed for a domestic partnership. David wants the domestic partnership shredded to a million pieces the same way he shreds all those tacky wedding dresses. David doesn’t want to pay Ryan any spousal support and he also wants full legal and physical custody of their twins. David is willing to give Ryan visitation rights, but that’s it. And David wants Ryan to pay for all the legal fees related to their split.
David is coming at a bitch hard, so I’m guessing Ryan did something major to set him off. Maybe Ryan’s peen wandered over to a side piece, or worse, maybe Ryan told David that one of his wedding centerpieces was ugly. Whatever the case may be, this is going to get messy, because I’ve seen Jason Bateman and Adam Lamber’s wax love child fight with brides. He does not play. David and Ryan are going to fight at the foot of the surrogate’s coochie when those babies come out. They’re going to push the doctor out of the way and try to snatch each twin away. Put the cameras on them, WE!