It feels like as soon as 2016 was born on January 1st at 12:01am, it dropped massive amounts of acid and has kept dropping massive amounts of acid, because bitch has taken us for a wild trip and the year isn’t even halfway over yet. Recently, 2016 gave us a bizarre Twitter fight about Hillary Clinton between grown person Debra Messing and fellow grown person Susan Sarandon (and Debra MESSing is still at it). Well, 2016 has once again gone over to the box marked “Random As Fuck Feuds” and randomly pulled out two names: Azealia Banks and Sarah Palin. The way that this year has been going, I fully expect to hear about a back alley knife fight between Emmanuel Lewis and Carrot Top before 2017 begins.
Seen above looking like an Asian mannequin in goth stripper drag, Iggy Azalea did an interview and a spread with Elle Canada, because I guess a real cover-worthy star like The Hot Dog Hooker was either not available or turned their asses down. Iggy talked about her grand return to social media (cut to the tumbleweeds and crickets on Twitter welcoming her back) after she hilariously tried to pick a fight with Papa John’s and had many a tweet war with her permanent arch rival Azealia Banks. Before I get into round (I lost) of the Great Value version of the Kanye vs. Taylor feud, let’s get into Iggy talking about how she replaced her born nose with a nose that Mattel made for her.
As if I really needed to even give you a hint. Of COURSE she hates them! There’s a long-ass list of things that set Azealia Banks off every time she thinks about them: security guards, flight attendants, Iggy Azalea, America (nothing in particular, just America in general). And now it looks like it’s time to get out our pens and add another couple items to that list.
Watching Rihanna grease up Wheelchair Jimmy’s emergency brake with her booty sweat and twirl around with her nipples out (aka the seven-and-a-half minutes worth of music video for “Work”) didn’t do much for most of us than make us wonder where RiRi got that hot see-through glitter tank top. But not Azealia; she got fired up and took it to Twitter. Azealia opened by tweeting (and later deleting) that “Work” was a $2 yard sale version of Beyonce’s “Baby Boy.” Azealia was then probably worried about receiving an angry cease-and-desist from Tidal, so she decided to keep it a bit more vague with her follow-up hate:
Music is honestly so fucking trash and boring. Let's start a fucking beef and make shit interesting
— AZEALIABANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) February 22, 2016
all these fucking pill popping divas doing the LEAST and the shit is boring. Get these hoes a coffee and a pair of boxing gloves
— AZEALIABANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) February 22, 2016
Bring out the real artists !!!!!
— AZEALIABANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) February 22, 2016
If you’re going to drag a bunch of pill-popping divas, at least have the shady bitch decency to name names, Azealia! Ugh, so inconsiderate. If Azealia ever decides to get out of the lucrative high-stakes world of…whatever she’s currently doing to pay the bills, I think a logical move would be to get into music reviews. I’d love to hear her review anything, really. “Minions cereal is fucking trash. It tastes like rotten bananas that were pulled from Oscar the Grouch’s crusty asshole.” Here’s two of the music industry’s mediocre finest (according to Azealia) leaving a club in London early this morning followed by the Kardashian with the most legitimate reason for filing income taxes, Kendall Jenner.
Back in October, part-time rapper/ full-time poster child for crazy Azealia Banks got into it with a bouncer at a nightclub in Los Angeles. I have no idea why Azealia went full-Azealia that night. Maybe he triggered the Oh Hell No switch in her brain by telling her he really liked her song “Fancy.” Regardless, Azealia and the bouncer started fighting and it was all caught on camera.
Usually the words “caught on camera” means you better start practicing how to walk into jail with a handful cigarettes tucked between your butt cheeks, but Azealia doesn’t have to do any of that. TMZ says that Azealia Banks won’t do any time for allegedly beating on a club bouncer, because the L.A. City Attorney has thrown the case out. Even though footage of their fight was caught on a security camera, law enforcement can’t tell who started it. And since the bouncer didn’t have any injuries, it’s sort of a draw.
That’s not to say that Azealia’s bouncer-whooping days are behind her. Back in December, Azealia got into a fight with the bouncers at a club in NYC that ended with Azealia biting one of the bouncer’s boobies. That shit hasn’t gone to court yet.
But as one crazy door closes, another one opens. Earlier today, she hopped on Twitter, set her internal thought filter to bonkers, and started typing up a shade-laced endorsement of aspiring Presidential candidate/confirmed turd Donald Trump. Azealia truly covered all the bases of why Trump should be the 45th President of the United States: he’s evil, he’s a piece of shit, he’s not a THOT like the other candidates – you know, all the qualities the founding fathers wanted in a leader.
A few months ago, Azealia Banks allegedly spit in a French dude’s face and called a flight attendant a “fucking faggot” on a plane. After that mess, Azealia should’ve tried to chill all the way out by meditating in a Calgon bath while Enya played in the background and the soothing scent of angel whispers wafting off of a lit Glade candle filled her nostrils. Or she should’ve taken her ass to anger management. But nope, Azealia Banks is still being Azealia Banks and early this morning she got arrested after her delusions of grandeur got the best of her and she took a bite out of a chichi.
It’s nice to know that Azealia Banks doesn’t only mouth fart up the “faggot” word and bust out massive amounts of crazy on Twitter. Azealia Banks does it in the world outside of Twitter too! At least she’s consistently HER.
Iggy Azalea’s #1 fan (served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) and a sort-of supporter of Donald Trump’s thoughts on immigration (not served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) was on a flight from NYC to LAX early this morning and she gave passengers several servings of her signature messiness when the plane landed. A passenger tells TMZ that after the plane landed at 1 this morning, Azealia was more than ready to get off of that bitch and she grabbed her bag before quickly making her way to the exit. Azealia was in the 6th row and her plan to get off the plane first was blocked by a French couple in the 3rd row. The couple was in the aisle getting their bags from the overhead and when Azealia tried to squeeze by them, the French dude “put his hand out” to block her. That little move switched Azalea’s switch and bitch went off on him in more ways than one.
Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.
Yesterday, I linked to a few things that rapper, professional Twitter troll and anti-Igloo Australia activist Azealia Banks told Playboy, but she said a lot more. Azealia Banks, who was born in America and lives in America, told an American magazine she was paid to pose naked in that she wants to leave this country, because she hates everything about it from the fat white people to the racist memaws of teenage KMart cashiers. CAUTION: Farm shaming ahead!
Once again, for those of you thinking “Which one is she? The Iggy or the Azalea?“, above is American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. And the one she’s currently in a hate-hate relationship with is Azealia Banks. Don’t worry – it’s not just you; this feud is really confusing, and I’m able to tell the two apart. Not to mention that it’s making me type so many variations of the name “Azalea/Azealia” that I’ve just about worn out the Z key on my keyboard.
Anyways, last week Azalea Banks (not pictured) started focusing her patented brand of Twitter crazy on Iggy Azalea (pictured) by accusing her of profiting off of American rap culture. Iggy responded by dragging Azealia on Twitter, which prompted the hacker group Anonymous to threaten Iggy on Twitter that if she didn’t apologize to Azealia they’d release screen grabs from her hypothetical sex tape. Their Twitter account has since been suspended, but they were replaced with rapper Q-Tip, who decided to hop on Twitter and give Iggy a hip hop history lesson. Meanwhile, Twitter just bought the Costco-sized bottle of extra-strength Tylenol to deal with the massive headache it has from all this Twitter foolery.
And yesterday, Iggy responded to the haters or whatever on Twitter (“NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE!” cried Twitter, as it curled into the fetal position). And by “responded”, I mean “wrote a damn novel”.
Hacker Group Anonymous Has Threatened To Reveal Secrets About Iggy Azalea Unless She Apologizes To Azealia Banks
For those of you thinking “Which one is the Itchy?“, American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea is on the left, and crazy-pants “gremlin baby” (copyright: T.I.) Azealia Banks is on the right. And right now, the one on the left is sweating her phony accent off, because she might have to decide between a public apology to the crusty human canker sore in her life or the door of her closet being blasted open and all of her skeletons falling out.
In case you’re not caught up on your messy Twitter fights, the latest feud between Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks started when Iggy took a couple swipes at Azealia on Twitter after she discovered that Azealia was once again talking shit about her during a recent radio interview. Not surprisingly, Azealia hissed back a bunch of crazy, and it just escalated from there. And now its gotten 10x messier, because the hacker group Anonymous has gotten themselves involved, and they’re Team Azealia Banks. According to Billboard, Anonymous started tweeting at Iggy Azalea last night, accusing her that she’s guilty of “misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death” and threatening that if she doesn’t release a statement apologizing to Azealia Banks and the protesters in NYC, they would release proof that an Iggy Azalea sex tape exists. Not the whole tape, mind you, but several screen grabs showing her face, and maybe one of two of her old ass (I’m just assuming; they didn’t actually say that last part).
So far, Iggy Azalea hasn’t said anything about Anonymous’ threats or an apology, so it sounds like she might be calling their bluff like you used to when you were a kid and your babysitter threatened to call your parents. “Yeah? Go ahead. Here, use the good phone – that other one cuts in and out.” And Azealia Banks hasn’t said anything, because she’s too busy getting into a Twitter fight with rapper Action Bronson.
I’m sure there is someone somewhere has a video of Iggy Azalea going to town on some dude’s didgeridoo, but does anyone really care that much? I feel like this is just Anonymous being jealous that the Sony hackers are getting so much attention. “Hey! Over here! We have stuff to leak too! Pay attention to us!“
It’s well-documented that Azealia Banks (the gremlin baby one, not the White Chicks–looking one) is a certifiable mess who is actively trying to convince her record label that she’s dead , so no one was surprised when that difficult mogwai was a no-show at the Hove Festival in Norway. No, literally, no one was surprised because no one was there to watch her.
According to Gigwise, Azealia didn’t want to make the 4-hour drive to the festival site (probably because she only has that one song to perform) so she called up festival organizers at the 11th hour and told them she wasn’t going to make it. Thankfully, they didn’t have to worry about the crowd losing their minds and turning Hove into Altamont when they found out the singer of that song from The Bling Ring trailer wasn’t going to make it. Someone tweeted this picture of what was allegedly the audience 5 minutes before Azealia was scheduled to perform, and they all look like they were ready to leave anyway:
I’m really hoping this picture is real and not just some cruel gremlin prank, because it’s almost too perfect. There was a better turn-out when my elementary school jazz band played the ribbon-cutting of a parking lot. But in the event this picture is fake, I want to know what concert Waldo and his girlfriend Wilma were there to see. You’re right, definitely Cradle of Filth.
And I know Azealia Banks is trying to convince her record label that she’s dead, but I think her “fans” are doing a pretty good job all by themselves.