Category: Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne Wants Mark Zuckerberg To Leave Nickelback Alone!!!!

December 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Avril Lavigne may have moved on from one busted-haired musician that won’t go away to another. But that doesn’t mean she won’t stand up and defend Nickelback’s honor when someone takes a dump on them. I know, “honor” was a weird choice of word to describe what Nickelback has.

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Fans Of 2004 Rejoice! Avril Lavigne And Ryan Cabrera Are Probably Together

November 17, 2016 / Posted by:

A few months after Avril Lavigne said see ya later boi to her second husband Chad Kroeger, there were rumors that she was drying her tears on a Zumiez hoodie belonging to Ryan Cabrera. Then in August, Avril and Ryan were seen having a “romanticdinner together. Ryan swore they were just roommates doing regular roommate things. Avril and Ryan were recently seen having another one of those romantic roommate dinners, which is going to make it a whole lot harder for them to convince people they’re just roommates.

E! News says Avril and Ryan spent Monday night “getting cozy” at a restaurant in NYC. A source tells E! they were also hugging and kissing. Unless you found your roommate by answering one of those weird “Looking for full-time snuggle buddy” Craigslist ads, that’s not very roommate-y. The source says Avril and Ryan seemed in love. I’m going to assume that means they killed time between starters and mains by writing each other’s names in Sharpie on the toes of their Converse high tops.

Neither Avril nor Ryan have come out and said they’re the Jack Skellington to the other’s Sally (that’s Hot Topic’s definition of relationship goals). Avril is still technically married Chad Kroeger, so maybe she’s old-fashioned and is keeping her new relationship on the down-low until she’s officially divorced. Or maybe Avril is in a Tilda Swinton-style situation where she’s got a husband and a boyfriend. If so, I hope for the sake of their washing machine they never all get together and have a threesome. There would be just so many clumps of peroxide-bleached hairs clogging up the drain after they wash their sheets.

Pic: Splash

Avril Lavigne And Ryan Cabrera Might Be A Thing Now

August 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Speaking of people you haven’t really thought of since the MTV days of mid-2000s. Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne has been split up from Canada’s original shame (sorry Bieber) Chad Kroeger for almost a year. It appears that she’s finally ready to love again, and it looks like she’s chosen someone who is also taking forever to grow out of their ~sO eDGy~ pop punk mall rat phase.

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Avril Lavigne Is The Only Person On Earth Who Will Defend Nickelback

May 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Here we are. Saturday the 14th of May, 2016. It’s pleasant out at the moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to rain. It’s been muggy, sticky, so rain will do some good. Cool down the pavement. Give everyone a little splash of relief. It’s funny. You see all the people outside and it’s as if they don’t know. as if they weren’t aware of it being the most important day of the year… EUROVISION! Which is why it pains me to sully this day by speaking of people who could probably never make it into the semi-finals, let alone win – Avril Lavigne and Nickelback.

Avril, as Billboard explains, is not a happy camper at the moment. MSNBC took a poll to see what people preferred over Donald Trump, and while Nickelback is one of the most hated bands in the world, people chose them over Donald. Good for them! E! ran a story on this incredibly important and informative poll and Avril is not having it. She and Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger split last year, but have been seen together recently, so you can all calm down. I know how worried you’ve been about Canada’s royal couple. Avril, being the polite Canadian she is – despite her bedroom door being covered in signs that say things like “PARENTS SUCK” – jumped on Twitter to slap at those hateful hos at E!

That’s right, E! Grow up! Just like Avril’s fans did!… who then realised what they had been listening to, scrunched up their faces and felt deeply embarrassed about the school dance they went to wearing a tie with a tank top. And thanks to her, I’m now familiar with Nickelback’s sales numbers. I knew that despite being the butt of a lot jokes they were big, but I didn’t realise they were that big. I guess a lot of people have kind of trashy cousins who still wear JNCO’s and have frosted tips. Ugh. That side of the family sucks. 

Pic: Wenn

The Royal Couple Of Canada Has Broken Up For Real

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.

Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.

It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.

All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.

Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.

It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)

Pic: Wenn.com

I Guess This Means Avril Lavigne Is No Longer On Taylor Swift’s Shit List

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

A photo posted by Avril Lavigne (@avrillavigne) on

Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.

Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.

And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.

You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”

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